Falling
by shiruru
Summary: Kurenai and lack of sleep. If you get close to people, if you make them special to you, you can lose them. [Chapter 17 up and edited. Comments, feedback welcome.]
1. a prologue of sorts

a note from the author: _I'm not sure how to introduce this, I hate author's notes, but I don't wantthis to seem strange. Each chapter here will be a little bit different. This is intended to read like a series of snapshots in which you can feel time passing. Some of the chapters are from Kurenai's POV and others are Asuma's. At the beginning of the chapter the name of the speaker is given so it should be easy to understand. Some chapters may be in present tense while others are past. Some might be poetry. I will try my best not to let it come off as haphazardly slapped together. Please feel free to give feedback and tell me what you think. Thank you._

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* * *

_

**Falling  
**_a prologue of sorts

* * *

_

A rose begins as a tiny bud, not much more than a bump on the sprig it is growing on. You may not even notice it at first. As time passes and it soaks up the heat of the sun, it becomes more and more noticeable. The green peels back to show a bit of color, and you can now see the petals as they form and take shape. Inside, something amazing is happening. Amazing, and yet so completely ordinary that none of us stop to think about it much.

The bud will grow and change as each new day comes. Its petals begin to unfurl and open. A rose goes through many stages of bloom on its way to full maturity, and each stage is charming in and of itself. A full-blown rose is considered by many people to be the most beautiful of all flowers. Sometimes, indeed, they are heartbreakingly beautiful. Maybe it is because of this that the rose is considered a symbol of love.

Yet the rose was a bud once. The rosebud is a symbol of friendship.

This is a story about Asuma and Kurenai and how they became friends.


	2. a walk in the rain: Kurenai

**a walk in the rain  
**Kurenai

* * *

It is dark by the time Team 8 and I are done with the day's mission. We have spent an entire day in the woods behind the village. Apparently the arrival of spring calls for some cleaning up to be done. We were chosen to pick up litter along the paths. 

Yeah, the life of a shinobi sure is exciting. But I am okay with that. I don't want to put these kids in danger before they're ready. They're not ready yet. They have much to learn still.

I congratulate Kiba, Hinata, and Shino on a job well done and remind them not to be late for training tomorrow. They appear pretty worn out, and I hope they all get good rest tonight. I'm feeling rather worn out myself. Yet they get to scamper on home. I get to go file our paperwork.

I watch them go, studying their behavior. Kiba is trying to talk Shino into grabbing a bite to eat. Shino doesn't seem to be interested; not until Hinata joins in the asking, anyway. I smile as the three of them go off together. They're perfect. I chose these three because I felt they will work well together, better than the other teams. Synchronization will come easily for them. They could be friends. They could be family.

My team fills in each other's gaps. They complement each other well. Kiba is all-out frontal action and toughness, yet he craves the others' approval and affection. Hinata will oblige and give that affection, but she must be treated gently before she will do so, which encourages Kiba to calm down.

Shino's seriousness grounds Kiba well, and his strength allows him to hold up under the daily barrage of Kiba's roughhousing. Hinata and Shino are both quiet souls that tend to seek peace. They seem to find solace in each other's presence. Alone on a team with two Kibas, Hinata or Shino might be overpowered, overshadowed. This way, together, each of them can stand out in their own uniqueness.

An early evening rain begins to fall. I hear myself hoping Hinata puts her hood up in the rain. If she gets sick, Kiba will be a handful without her around...

Hinata is a lucky girl. I can say this in spite of the strangeness she experiences at home. Right from the start, it seems, she's got two brothers here on Team 8. We haven't been together long, but it is already obvious. Those two boys would do anything to protect her. They'd kill for her.

She is a lucky girl.

My hair is dripping by the time I reached the head office. The door in view, I hurry the last few yards across the grass. As I reach out for the handle, though, the door opens, smacking me squarely in the head. I stagger back a step, seeing stars.

"Oh," a familiar low voice sounds in my ears. "Kurenai."

My vision clears. I blink slowly. "Asuma." God, what a moron I probably seem. What kind of jounin walks into doors? He'll probably tell the others and they'll have a good laugh about it over a beer.

Asuma is behind the door, ever-present cigarette dangling on his lower lip. He runs his fingers through his dark hair. "What are you doing here?"

I rub the sore spot on my head and look away, embarrassed. The rain has probably washed my mascara down my face. It's supposed to be waterproof, but you know how that goes. It's likely in a big black mess and I'd really rather he didn't see me that way. I don't really want them-- the guys, the other instructors-- to think I'm vain, but hey, some of us need a little makeup. That's just a fact. "I'm doing my paperwork for today."

"Oh," he replies, and there was a pause as if he is going to say more, but nothing follows. Maybe he hadn't meant to say anything more, and I had misunderstood. Or maybe he is searching for a good way to politely leave. I don't know what to say or do, so I opt for ducking under his arm and into the door.

Once I am alone, I feel calmer. Paperwork tonight doesn't take quite as long as it usually does. This late, not many others are hanging around the office to chitchat. Sign, collate, file, and I'm in and out in a good ten minutes. Time to get myself home for a hot cup of coffee and some dinner. I can hear as I walk down the hall that the rain has grown louder. Thunder rumbles in the distance.

I am not enthused at the prospect of getting soggy on the way home. I am so not in the mood for rain.

As I turn the corner, I see a lone firefly in the dim light. It's Asuma, sitting there with that cigarette. I can't help staring at him. What's he doing just hanging around? Doesn't he have anything better to do than sit and read the paper in the head office?

He stands to his full height when he sees me. It makes me feel slight in comparison. His build is very different from the average Konoha shinobi. Looking at him, you get an impression of strength and solidarity, as opposed to stealth and speed. It's strange, though... his size gives him an air of maturity-- but for the moment, his expression is incongruously boyish. He seems shy, almost, as he says, "Um, I'm sorry about the door."

I rub my head ruefully, wishing we could forget about it. "No, it was me."

He's looking at me funny, and I feel a bit of dread in the pit of my stomach. Some kind of question is coming. Some kind of question I'd really rather not hear.

There are a lot of those, for me. _So, how's your family? Want to go out for a drink sometime? What's with your eyes? Why don't you ever call? Come here often? Do you have a boyfriend? How did you make it to jounin, anyway?_

I am so not in the mood for questions.

"Well, see you." I mutter something quick and turn to leave, hoping to make a quick getaway. I open the door and balk. Somehow, despite the fact that I am an articulate and intelligent adult member of the human race, I feel surprised to remember that it's pouring outside.

Isn't that great? I get embarrassed, I seem to transform into a blithering idiot.

I look in the big can by the door where there are usually spare umbrellas for people to use, but the can is empty. It's late, so everyone has probably already taken them all. Dammit. No quick getaway for me. I'll have to just make a dash for it.

"Hey, Kurenai," I hear him say. "wait..."

He crosses ahead of me and holds up his newspaper, offering me some shelter underneath. I must say I'm taken aback by this. I look up at him hard, wondering what's going on with him. Is he hitting on me? I am so not in the mood to be hit on.

He opens his mouth and I cringe, trying to formulate some kind of cold retort in preparation for what I am sure will come next. But the line never comes. Instead he just smiles, his cigarette in his teeth, as he simply says, "Come on. I'll walk you."

I have no idea what to make of this. Sure, it's nice, but... "No," I automatically decline. "I don't want you to go out of your way for me."

He waves it away in a friendly manner. "Nah, it's on the way."

I blink. "Asuma-- you don't know where I live."

He visibly processes this piece of information, and then cracks up laughing. Not at me, just, laughing. Somehow the sound is compelling, good-natured. It's infectious, even. I find myself smiling. The smile becomes a chuckle. I realize, maybe he doesn't have an ulterior motive. Maybe he's just trying to make friends. I see, for a moment, how stupid I can get when I try to put too much thought into things.

His laughter is low and warm and it seems to bubble right up from inside of him, overflowing into the air. I decide in that moment that if he and I were ever to become friends, I'd want to hear that sound every day. There's something real about it.

So I join Asuma under the newspaper. We set out across the fields, together. The rain patters down on the paper above our heads. He takes a deep drag of the cigarette. In the humid air the smoke hangs heavily around us. He looks up at the drizzling sky. "So... how do you like it so far? Teaching?"

"It's good, I like it." I answer. "I like my team."

"Any troubles or anything?" he asks, with a note of polite concern.

"No, not really. The kids work well together. They're getting to know each other." There may be some troubles later, though. I can already sense somewhat of a rivalry developing between the two boys...

He nods and scratches his beard, thoughtful. "That's good." I wonder if the other instructors are expecting me to have trouble. I'll show them, I tell myself.

"What about your team?" I ask, with forced civility.

"My kids all know each other already," he admits. "The problem is getting them to quit squabbling and work together."

"Ah." So he wasn't trying to suggest I'm the only one with trouble on my team. I think of his group, the Ino-Shika-Chou of this generation. I wonder if perhaps he is having the same problem I am? I try to picture Nara Shikamaru and Akimichi Chouji trying to one-up each other, and the idea just does not compute. "Somehow I can't imagine either of those boys picking fights."

He chuckles at this. "It's not the boys who're the problem."

"Oh!" Well, that's a completely different story altogether. I remember Yamanaka Ino, the blonde with the sharp blue eyes.

"Ino," he sighs, sounding tired, "Can be kind of... difficult. She has to have her way, or else."

I try to think of the positive. "She seems to be a very confident girl." A girl like Ino wouldn't have to be cajoled into things, like Hinata does.

"Seems to be," he agrees. He looks away, then says solemnly, "I'm not too sure about what's beyond that."

I find this very interesting. None of my teachers were ever particularly sensitive to the inner workings of the mind of the teenage girl. I wonder how different I might be if they had been. I wonder if I'm doing okay for the boys. I hope I am. Will there be things I won't be able to help them with? What will happen in their lives in the next three years?

We have reached the edge of the village now. The rain has driven people indoors and the streets are fairly quiet. We make our way through the streets, stepping over overflowing gutters. Suddenly, Asuma says, with a smirk, "You know, she wanted to be on your team."

I balk. "What!" Why me?

Asuma grins, holding his cigarette in his teeth. "The first day we were assigned to our teams, I went to go meet the kids. Ino walked right up to me and told me she hated me, she hated my guts, and she wanted to be with 'The Sexy and Cool Kurenai-sensei' and that she would never, ever get over the disappointment."

_Sexy and Cool?_ "What on earth?" My face turns about three shades of red. I'm not sure if he's teasing me or not. It's embarrassing for me to hear him say that, even if he's quoting someone else.

Asuma gives a good-natured laugh. "I know. But that's so Ino."

"What did you do?" I want to know. "I mean, what do you say to that?" I have no idea what I would say. I'd be completely out of my element, dealing with a girl like that.

He adjusts the paper over my head, trying to cover us better. "Well, I just told her, all right, if she could spar me and get one good hit in, then fine. She could go be on whichever team she wanted."

I gape at him, astonished. "You can't just say things like that. I mean, what would you have done if she had?"

Asuma shakes his head, calm and sure in contrast to my worry. "She couldn't have."

"How do you know?" I furrow my brow, skeptical.

"I just do." I don't understand what he means, and he gives he a lazy grin. "Defense is my thing. And strategy. And attacking like a blind boar is something that seems to run in the Yamanaka family."

I feel amused. He really knows his kids. "I see." I'm curious now, though, about his fighting style. "Defense, huh?"

He blinks and stares back at me. Maybe it's because I'm too used to hearing Gai at our meetings, but I expect him to make some kind of challenge. I know they're all wanting to test me, the rookie teacher. I'm up to it, though-- I'll show them. I wait for it, but he doesn't spout off any lines. He looks uncomfortable under my scrutiny. "What?" he asks, possibly irritated.

"You don't jump at the chance to fight," I observe.

He looks away. "No. I don't." There is a bitter note in his voice. I decide I like it. Somehow a person who knows the true weight of violence seems so much more valuable to have around, to me.

"It's... refreshing." So different from most of the men I meet.

"Is it?" he questions. I nod duly. "Thanks," he says. He doesn't sound like he's sure if it's something to be proud of.

I decide I like that, too.

We have reached my apartment building. I point to the doorstep. "Here's my place."

"Hm? Oh, right. Well." He watches me leave him, watches me take out my keys. I'm not sure what to say, as usual, so I opt for unlocking the gate. His face darkens for a moment. He turns to go. "See you."

Wait. Was he... blushing?

"A-Asuma," I call to him, without thinking. I feel kind of happy. I'm glad to be dry. I feel warm and I feel pleased and it is awfully nice to have talked to another grown-up for a while. "Thank you."

His smile is ready and real. He nods and turns to go, cigarette smoke trailing behind him. "Anytime."


	3. a walk in the rain: Asuma

**a walk in the rain**  
Asuma

* * *

I was just finishing up my paperwork for the day. My neck was killing me. The kids and I had been training at the practice grounds, and Ino wanted to show me her new "Ino Super." Apparently the "Ino Super" is a rapid high kick to the head. Nice of her to warn me. That's Ino for you-- but, even as my neck was cracking back into place, she was waiting to hear some praise from me.

That's pretty cool. They're all cool kids.

So anyway, I was dirty and sweaty and ready to go home and get a hot bath and hit the sack. Plus I think I was on my last cigarette. So, like a dumbass, I bust out the front door of the building, only to hear a really sickening bump.

I catch the door, surprised, and look around. "Oh, Kurenai..."

There she is, standing there, rubbing her head. I bashed her in the head with the fricking door. Great. She's going to think I'm a complete boor. What kind of man goes around hitting women with doors?

She is wet from the rain. It trickles in droplets down her hair, settling onto her pale cheeks. Her lips are flushed, probably from the cold. She blinks, her dark lashes flutter, and her eyes focus on me for just a split second. I'm no connoisseur of women or anything, but she's pretty. I don't think she wears makeup. If she does, she doesn't really need to.

I suddenly become painfully aware of how I probably smell after running around after three kids in the woods all day. I run my fingers through my hair, which I'm sure is a complete mess.

"Asuma." Kurenai glares at me, rubbing her head, and looks away in distaste. I feel terrible. She's the newest jounin teacher, and the only woman out of all of us. I have to say I feel kind of sorry for her, thrown in with guys like us-- Me, and Kakashi, and Gai. I felt kind of like I should try to make her feel welcome. So I smack her with a door?

"What are you doing here?" I hear myself say. As if there were any question. As if it were any different from the reason I was here myself.

"I'm doing my paperwork for today," she explains, as if she had to sound it out. She must think I'm a real genius.

"Oh," is all I could think of by way of reply. I should apologize for hitting her with the door. I should ask if she was all right, but I couldn't think of how. I didn't want to insult her pride. How do these things work, anymore? How do you treat a woman who could most likely toss you in seconds flat?

I am trying to say something, anything. Suddenly her eyes dart off to the right and she ducks under my outstretched arm, inside the building. I watch as her go as she rushes off down the hall. I was too slow.

But the upside of being slow is, I'm also patient. I sit and read the newspaper and wait for Kurenai to come out. When she does, she looks surprised to see me. I fumble about for how to start. "Um, I'm sorry about the door."

Her hand goes to her head. "No, it was me."

_Are you okay?_ I wonder. I look at her with concern. She seems embarrassed by this so I figure that the best thing to do is let it go. There is an awkward pause.

Her eyes dart back and forth. She has such strange eyes, deep and crimson-red, like the color of wine. She doesn't let anyone look into them, though. She has a habit of constantly shifting her gaze around her surroundings. This gives her the look of someone who fears attack from all sides. It reminds me somehow of a scared rabbit. It makes me feel sad.

Kurenai nods to me, business-like. "Well. See you," and with that she turns to go. But as she opens the door she is greeted by the steady rain, which has not let up.

"Hey, Kurenai," I say, without thinking, "wait..." I step outside ahead of her and hold the newspaper up to block the rain for us. She turns, surprised. Those eyes are looking up at me, wide, curious. I swallow hard, and forget what I was thinking about before. I have to search for it again. Oh yes-- "Come on, I'll walk you."

She purses her lips. She is going to say no, I know it. She doesn't seem like she particularly enjoys being social. I'm sure she has better things to do anyway. I feel dumb for even asking.

"No," she demurs. "I don't want you to go out of your way for me."

"Nah, it's on the way."

She doesn't miss a beat. "Asuma-- you don't know where I live."

I realize this and can't help laughing. It's so funny to me, more funny than it should be probably. How stupid I can get when I try to put too much effort into things. She stands there and looks up at me, and in a moment or two, the corner of her mouth quirks up into a little smirk, then a genuine smile spreads across her face for a split second.

And we both stand there and have a good chuckle at ourselves. Like idiots. Her laughter is light and sweet, and rings out like silver notes down the empty hallway. But it is over much, much too briefly. I decide in that moment that if she should let me be her friend, I will try to hear that sound again as often as I possibly can.

I hold the newspaper out for her and she falls in step with me. We set out across the fields, together. The rain patters down on the paper above our heads. "So... how do you like it so far? Teaching?"

She looks off into the distance, peeking out from under the paper. "It's good, I like it. I like my team." She doesn't follow this comment up with any extra elaboration. She's the perfect teacher for the Hyuuga girl, I think, and the Aburame boy as well. They're quiet ones, from what I gathered.

"Any troubles or anything?" I'm wondering how she handles the boy with the dog, that Kiba. He seems like a rough one.

She shakes her head. "No, not really. The kids work well together. They're getting to know each other."

I nod slowly. "That's good."

"What about your team?" she ventures. Her voice when she speaks is very soft.

"My kids all know each other already," I tell her. "The problem is getting them to quit squabbling and work together."

"Ah." She looks thoughtful. "Somehow I can't imagine either of those boys picking fights."

I chuckle as I lead us around a rather large mud puddle. "It's not the boys who're the problem."

"Oh!" She looks amused at this.

"Ino," I sigh, "Can be kind of... difficult." Understatement of the year. So far since becoming a genin, Ino has gone from kicking and screaming to constant nagging and then back to kicking and screaming again almost every other day. "She has to have her way, or else."

"She seems to be a very confident girl," Kurenai says.

"Seems to be. I'm not too sure about what's beyond that." I have a suspicion that a lot of Ino's attitude comes mainly from lack of self-confidence. But, this being really early in the year still, it's hard to say.

Kurenai looks thoughtful. We have reached the edge of the village, and overhangs from the shops help block the rain, which is a good thing. The newspaper is fairly soggy by now. We make our way through the streets, stepping over overflowing gutters. I grin and remember Ino's first tantrum. "You know, she wanted to be on your team."

At this Kurenai's face turns an amusing shade of pale. "What!"

"Ino," I tell her. "The first day we were assigned to our teams, I went to go meet the kids. Ino walked right up to me and told me she hated me, she hated my guts, and she wanted to be with 'The Sexy and Cool Kurenai-sensei' and that she would never, ever get over the disappointment."

Now Kurenai blushes. "What on earth?" It's pretty funny seeing her react this way. I wonder how she can act so surprised, though, I bet she hears stuff like that all the time.

I chuckle. "I know. But that's so Ino."

"What did you do?" she mused. "I mean, what do you say to that?"

I try to adjust the newspaper to cover her better. "Well, I just told her, all right, if she could spar me and get one good hit in, then fine. She could go be on whichever team she wanted."

Red eyes turn up to me, astonished. "You can't just say things like that. I mean, what would you have done if she had?"

"She couldn't have."

"How do you know?" She gives me a disbelieving look.

"I just do." When she doesn't seem to understand, I explain. "Defense is my thing. And strategy. And attacking like a blind boar is something that seems to run in the Yamanaka family."

She smiles slowly. Slyly. I like the way it spreads across her face. "I see."

I nod. One perfectly shaped eyebrow raises and she says, "Defense, huh?"

I blink. Kurenai's expression has a look of competitive edge for just a second or two, or so I think. I may be mistaken. If I were more daring-- or less of a lazy ass-- I'd say something dashing, like: _Care to try me?_

She is watching me carefully. Maybe she is waiting for me to pick up on the bait. I feel a little awkward under her gaze. "What?"

"You don't jump at the chance to fight," Kurenai observes.

"No. I don't." I never do.

"It's... refreshing." She looks off into the distance, over the rooftops of the town. We turn a corner and head down a small back street. The residential buildings look pleasantly worn. Large streams dribble down from fire escapes above us, and I shift the newspaper to cover her better.

"Is it?" I ask. She nods her assent. "Thanks," I reply. I'm not sure what else to say. I wonder what she means by that. Refreshing as opposed to what? Or whom?

She looks up at me and her eyes are amused. "Here's my place."

"Hm? Oh, right." I look up to see that we have stopped in front of a white plaster building of apartments. The windows are small and dark, the paint is peeling on the wooden trim. Ivy trails up the front walls and the entrance is blocked by a wrought-iron gate. That's nice, it must keep salesmen and stuff out. It looks like a safe enough place, anyway.

Kurenai steps out from under my newspaper and crosses to the building's front door. The raindrops fall heavy on her damp hair. She takes out her keys but doesn't say anything else to me. I feel rude just staring at her while she unlocks her door, and I don't want her to feel like she has keep talking to me. "Well. See you," I give her a nod of my head and turn to go.

"A-Asuma," she calls out. I turn my head to see her smile just a little at me. "Thank you."

I'm glad that I got the chance to talk to her. She seems happy. It warms me, and I return her smile. "Anytime."

I fold the wet newspaper up and deposit it in a trash bin around the corner. I head home for the night whistling, in the falling rain.


	4. a welcome sound

**a welcome sound**  
Kurenai

* * *

**  
**It was a chilly spring day. I was sitting under a tree reading up on Team 8's next mission, armed with a thermos of hot coffee to keep the cold away. It had been raining all week, soggy, chilling rain. This morning, though, the day had dawned clear and sharp, and we got to take on a new mission. 

It was a simple enough task, or so I had thought. A huge old oak tree had fallen, blocking a creek on the east side of town. The creek was now flooding and the tree needed to be moved. Then we were supposed to bring the tree to town, where it could be chopped up and used for firewood. I had thought that this could be a good lesson in teamwork.

"OW! What the...!"

Boy, was I wrong.

I don't like interfering with them too much. I like to stand back and observe, generally. I figure they can find a way to work it out themselves, for the most part-- and when they do, they will have a greater sense of accomplishment. It's gone a little too far for today, though. I got up and passed through the trees to assess the damage.

I could already feel the negative tension in the air. Shino was at the front of the tree. His back was to me. Even though I couldn't see his expression, he was giving of an air of exasperation. His shoulders were held up, very tense and stressed, and even his hair seemed to be standing on end. A few of his kikai bugs were swirling about him. That was the sign of major agitation. You see bugs, you back off. When Shino gets particularly aggravated, the bugs in his body respond and become restless. The fact that he had actually let them out meant that this was just about to get very ugly.

Kiba was at the back, up to his knees in thick mud and water. He seemed to be trying to shove the sinking tree forward onto the cart with just his brute strength. His breath was coming hard, almost like growling. His nails were sharp and out, signifying his frustration. His face dripped sweat. I could see that he had been doing most of the work. I had been listening to his barked orders, though, and I knew that this was all his own fault. Kiba's dog Akamaru was running around underfoot, unsure what was the right thing to do in the situation.

Hinata was standing between the two boys, looking ashamed. In the middle of the tree, there was nothing for her to get a good grip on. Her posture was defensive, curled shoulders, pigeon-toed feet. As though hoping no one would notice, she reached out and held onto a small branch.

Kiba collected his strength, and without warning the others, gave a mighty shove. Shino moved with the tree, but Hinata was too slow and stumbled. She took a bad step backward and stepped on Akamaru's tail, making him yelp.

"I'm sorry, Akamaru!" she cried.

Kiba grabbed his dog by the collar and pushed him away. "STAY!" he shrieked, hoarse. Hinata began to apologize, but he cut her off.

"Dammit, Hinata!" Kiba's voice cracked. His exhaustion was coming through. "Just stay out of the way so you won't get hurt!" He shoved her away from the fallen tree, more roughly than he had probably meant to. Kiba's body is growing fast, and his strength is often too much for him. Hinata lost her balance, probably because she was shutting down in the face of conflict. She fell to the ground with a small cry.

Shino was on Kiba in an instant, like a swarm of bees. He didn't yell anything or throw crazy punches like a normal boy would. He seized Kiba and held him down to the ground. His fingers dug deep into the other boy's jacket. An angry humming was audible, but I could not tell if it was Shino's bugs ready to kill, or the boy's own voice.

"Stop it!" Hinata cried, horrified. "Stop!"

Shino and Kiba heard her but didn't move. They stayed on the ground, Shino with Kiba in his death grip. Both were poised and just waiting for the other to move.

It was time for me to intervene. "Get up, you two," I growled. "Now."

Shino picked himself up off of Kiba, his gaze not leaving the dog boy. Kiba crawled to his feet and didn't bother to dust himself off. He wouldn't look up at any of us. Akamaru curled his tail between his legs and gave a piteous whine.

I rubbed my temples with one hand. "Kiba." I began, mentally counting to ten.

He almost seemed to be pouting. "I'm really sorry, Hinata. I didn't mean to!"

Hinata had gotten to her feet. The expression on her face was ridden with guilt. "No, no, it's all right... I mean, y-you told me to stay out of the way already, and s-so..."

"Hinata," I said, sternly. "Come here."

Hinata stepped forward. She looked up at me fearfully, trembling. "Y-yes." She seemed to be fighting her knees not to buckle underneath her. She was obviously feeling the weight of all of our eyes on her small frame. Hinata hates being put on the spot. Hinata hates being looked at by others. I think sometimes that Hinata hates herself.

Shino was standing there watching like a stone statue. His jacket was covering his face and his glasses were hiding his eyes, but I could feel his glare on me. It was disturbing that he seemed to be expecting me to hurt Hinata. I've heard people say it before: trust doesn't come easily from an Aburame. I suppose I had been hoping that we'd spent enough time together so far to know each other. Apparently not.

Kiba was glaring now, because he is always impatient to get back to the task at hand. He is very one-track-- changing the subject at hand annoys him immensely. He was twitching, upset because he doesn't have any control over the situation. Kiba's psychology demands that he is in charge. His quick mind craves to move on to the next task at hand. If no one else will get it done faster, he'll take over and figure out a way.

I'm amused at the way they are: I have one kid who covers up all of his emotions, another who wears it all right on his face, and a third who probably feels guilty for having those emotions in the first place. Then, there's me. I'm not much better off than any of them. We really need some help.

Inwardly sighing, I stepped over to the nearby trees. One good whack from a knife, and I had a sturdy branch. I sliced the smaller branches away from the main thick stem, and then I had in my hands a pole, about four feet long.

"Hinata," I said, firmly. "Stand here."

She complied. I put her little hands on the branch. There were so many things I wanted to tell her, right then. Seeing her, in these kind of moments-- it's like being able to look back and see myself at twelve.

Taking the branch and Hinata's hands in my own, I thrust the pole underneath the fallen tree. "Hinata, I want you to concentrate your chakra into your arms," I directed. "Make sure you bend your knees, not your back. When I tell you to, pull."

She nodded. Kiba started to protest, but I ignored him. "Now."

We pushed on the lever pole with all our might and chakra. The tree flipped up into the air, flinging mud and water. I pushed and it began to tip the other way, away from the creek. Kiba scooted out of its shadow, amazed, as the broken tree fell down onto the waiting cart.

"Holy shit," Kiba murmured, amazed. Akamaru yipped his agreement.

I tossed the pole onto the cart and went off to pick up my things. "Get your stuff," I commanded, without turning. "Let's go."

We trooped back towards the village slowly, with our huge prize in tow. Kiba and I pushed the cart from behind, while Shino and Hinata pulled it along in the front with ropes. Akamaru trotted along proudly, his chest out and his head held high. The small dog seemed to be under the impression that he was somehow responsible for the whole affair.

Up ahead, we could hear someone calling out. Team 10 was crossing back across the fields, ahead of us. When they saw the cart and the tree coming, the kids scrambled off the path and out of the way.

"Whoa," Akimichi Chouji gaped, chip crumbs tumbling from his mouth. "That's a big tree."

Nara Shikamaru stuffed his hands in his pockets and regarded us with only mild annoyance. Yamanaka Ino turned, yelling, "Sensei! It's not fair! How come we had to pick up trash! _We_ should get to do cool missions like _they_ get to!"

Asuma was approaching from the direction of their training fields, taking his time. "They picked up trash earlier this week," was his simple answer.

Ino turned to us for confirmation of her teacher's statement. The kids and I nodded, it was true. The blonde seemed satisfied with this information. If we had to pick up trash as well, then perhaps there was still hope for her team. Maybe they'd get to spend a day fighting over a tree, too.

Asuma reached the place where we stood. He nodded to me. "Kurenai."

I returned the greeting. "Asuma."

"That's some tree you've got there," he remarked, rubbing his chin. He glanced at Shino, Hinata, and Kiba, in turn. "You kids look beat."

"It's been a long day," I informed him.

His eyes twinkled with amusement. "I see." He turned to his team. "All right, Team 10..."

"No," groaned Shikamaru. "Come on, don't make us..."

"Help," Asuma finished, with unmistakable finality.

The boys looked disappointed. They began to protest. "But--"

"I never said we were done for the day," Asuma smirked. "Get to it."

"This is all YOUR fault," Shikamaru grumbled to Ino.

"Shikamaru, shut up. Quit being so rude." Ino gave her sour-faced teammate a sharp kick in the shin. Then she sidled up to Shino, ready to help. She flashed him a coquettish smile. "Hellooo!"

Shino didn't say a thing, but a lone kikai bug flew out and circled around his head. At this, Ino seemed to quickly lose all interest. She snatched up the rope and faced front, turning her back to the bug boy. "Well! Let's get this thing rolling here, shall we?"

Kiba jumped up onto the cart, pointing down at her. "Hey! I'm the leader here! I'll give the orders!"

"What?" Ino squawked. "Chouji, get him." When Chouji didn't move as ordered, she stomped her foot. "CHOU-JIII!"

The kids squabbled in the background. Asuma came over and stood beside me. He smelled like smoke and pine trees. "Long day, huh?"

I nodded and rubbed my forehead. A headache was definitely coming on. I get headaches pretty often... whenever the weather changes, whenever my head gets cold at night, and whenever I have to step in and break up an argument.

"You look pretty tired," he observed, not unkindly.

"I'm fine." I straightened my shoulders. "Nothing I can't handle."

He smiled, puffing on his smoke. "Good to hear."

"One, two, three!" Ino called out, in a bright voice.

"GO!" Kiba shouted, and the six kids start to move. Chouji and Kiba pushed from behind, while Shikamaru and Hinata pulled one rope, and Shino and Ino the other. The cart creaked and then started rolling along at a fairly brisk clip.

Kiba jumped, excited. "Yahoo!" Akamaru, riding atop the tree, howled joyfully.

"Shouldn't we go along?" I asked Asuma, at length.

"Nah," he said, watching them go. "They'll manage without us."

"I'm not sure my team can get it there without killing each other," I admitted darkly, remembering today's events.

"Well," Asuma said, folding his hands behind his head and walking away, "Maybe they'll do me a favor and kill mine off, too."

I smirked. "Good plan. No evidence."

"My thoughts exactly." He rubbed his neck. "Come on, I'll walk you home."

I nodded, falling into step with his leisurely pace. We headed out across the fields, taking the long way around Konoha. In a few moments the voices of the teenagers had faded away.

"Now that," he said, quietly, "is a welcome sound."

I looked around. "I don't hear anything," I said. "Just the wind."

He grinned. "Yep."

"Oh." I got it and then felt rather stupid. The wind whistled around us, flirting with my hair and twisting the smoke from Asuma's cigarette around in wisps. The grasses moved and swayed with the evening breeze. I gazed off into the horizon. The sky and earth seemed to continue on forever. It made me feel rather small in comparison. Walking beside Asuma didn't help that feeling much, of course-- he practically towered over me. I looked over at him, envious of his extra height.

He sighed, looking towards the setting sun. "So... kids drive you nuts today?"

"Shino just about set his bugs on Kiba," I reported, flatly.

"Whoa." Asuma looked concerned. "He's usually so calm, though. What happened?"

I told him about the tree and Kiba accidentally shoving Hinata. I didn't know why I was telling him. I didn't want him to criticize me, or worse yet, tell me how to do my job. I just felt like telling him.

"I see," he nodded, scratching his head. "I see. Well, that makes more sense." A tiny smile played about his lips.

"How is it funny?" I scowled. Was he laughing at me? Is this something he expected of me? Is it funny if I have trouble?

Asuma shook his head. "Just... remembering something."

"What," I demanded.

He took a lazy drag of his cigarette, with a faraway sort of expression. "Once, when I was a kid? Me and my brother... we found a big beehive, in the woods. And for some stupid reason, instead of just admiring it, we decided to knock it down by throwing rocks at it."

I thought to myself that Asuma must have been pretty stupid as a kid. I'm glad he wasn't on my team.

"I ended up in the hospital. My face was swollen for weeks!" he laughed, then he let out a deep smoky breath. "Bees will do anything to protect the queen."

This statement had me lost in thought for quite a while.

"Shino's so strange," I murmured. "I'm never sure what he's thinking."

Asuma nodded, with a slow half-smile. "I know some people like that."

I looked at him sideways. "What do you mean by that?"

"Kidding! Just kidding," he chuckled. I was not sure what to think. Was he joking with me?

"How was _your_ day?" I ask, pointedly.

"Oh, man," he shook his head ruefully, running his fingers through his hair. "Oh, man. Right from the start, we meet up, and Shikamaru seems... well, something's bothering him. And he won't talk about it. So Ino gets mad at him. So then he _really_ doesn't want to talk about it. So she gets madder because he won't talk. Then they start fighting about it. So Chouji tries to stop them. Then Ino goes for Chouji. Then Shikamaru gets mad at her, in Chouji's defense. So then she gets mad at him again and..." He sighed heavily. "It goes on forever, some days. They never stop."

I blinked. I had no idea Asuma's team was so difficult. Now I felt lucky-- even when you count dealing with fleas, roaches, and Hyugas.

"Only way to deal with it is to tire them out," he told me. "That's my secret. See, there's a certain place, when they're all equally tired... they'll forget about the outside little petty things, and come together. And that," he said, with a smile, "that is when those kids are the most amazing three kids I've ever worked with."

_Mine are better_, I thought automatically.

He grinned as though he could hear me. "Chuunin exams are coming eventually."

"Yes, they are." _And my kids will be ready._

We reached my doorstep much too soon. Asuma nodded as though he were going to leave. "Goodnight," I heard him say, but then he paused, not moving away when he usually would have. The pause threw me off completely.

"Thanks," I said, but it didn't sound right in my ears. I began to worry. A funny feeling was starting somewhere in my chest, a feeling I couldn't remember having had for years. It was almost like... I wasn't really ready to be alone again yet. _Me._ Why was that? Usually I can't wait to get away from other people, but this wasn't so bad. I felt at ease. Asuma was making me feel kind of calm. I guess... I guess I didn't mind him so much. Maybe I was even kind of curious about him.

So... wasn't there something else I was could ask or say? I felt like there was more but I couldn't think of exactly what. What do adults do in these kind of situations?

"D-do you want to come in for a cup of coffee?" I blurted out, before I could change my mind. It sounded so cliché. I just about kicked myself the minute it was out of my mouth. I am _so_ smooth.

Asuma blinked, and blinked again, surprised. I bit my lip, not sure what to hope for.

His features softened, his eyes lit up with a warm smile.

"I'd really like that."


	5. running

**running**  
Asuma

* * *

"Asuma-sensei." 

"Yes, Ino?"

"I hate you."

I gave her my sweetest smile. "Thanks, Ino."

It was 6 a.m. Yes, I know. I said six in the morning. There's only one thing that will get Sarutobi Asuma up and out of the sack at 6 a.m.

"Okay, guys, you've stretched enough. Ten laps around the village!" I announced, with gusto.

Endurance training. It's a beautiful thing.

It was a gorgeous spring day, and the trees of Konoha were thick with fresh green leaves. The sky was overcast, the wind was low. At this hour a slight fog still clung to the earth. The air was dewy and sweet and it felt good to breathe it in. It's good running weather.

Sprinting is no problem for my team. Just like any shinobi, they can fly through the trees at high speed like lightning. Ino is very quick, but she never paces herself. She's usually winded after only the first big push, and then she gets cranky. Chouji is probably the slowest of the three, but he lasts longer than Ino as far as stamina. Shikamaru is fast when he wants to be. I'm still not quite sure what his top speed is, because I'm sure that he never goes harder than he absolutely needs to. I was the same way, when I was his age. It's not until you're in a real life-or-death situation that you really find out just how fast you can run.

Running fast, though, isn't the only important thing that will save your life. You've got to be able to last over a long period of time. If you can sprint fast and then the enemy catches up with you once you're fatigued, you're in trouble. I've learned that the hard way. After all, I'm a born lazy bum-- speed was never my strong point as a kid. I see that as all the more reason why I should hammer this into them. I never want to look back and not have taught them everything they need to know.

Endurance training is less about running at top speed and more about running at a constant speed. It's cross-country. We start slow and only go as fast as we can run without slowing down or speeding up. This is going to teach the kids how to pace themselves, as individuals and as a team. This is one of their weakest points, cooperation and pacing. I don't want to see Ino tire out, or Chouji be unable to keep up. I don't want to see any of them fail.

The early hour was kind of unusual for them still, but since we'd be doing this twice every week, they'd get used to it eventually. Poor Chouji was still rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. The kid looked like his mother had rolled him right out of bed and into a fleecy red and green sweatsuit. He kind of resembled a little Christmas elf. He yawned and looked around as though just realizing he wasn't in bed anymore. "Huh? What's going on?"

"This is humiliating," Ino complained. "I don't want to be seen like this." She gestured to herself. She was wearing a black track suit, her hair back in a bandanna. Her eyes were puffy from lack of sleep. "I didn't have time to shower or do my hair. And there's this crusty stuff in my eyes. And I'm not even wearing any makeup! "

"Sounds like an improvement if anything," Shikamaru grumbled, scratching himself. "Makeup is stupid anyway." Shikamaru had on his normal clothes, plus a grubby sweatshirt that looked like he had last worn it while painting something around the house. It seemed to be rather itchy, too, as he kept having to scratch. Maybe he should have washed it first.

"Shut it, Pineapple Head," was all Ino could think of to say. It was still early though. I figured her mouth would take time to warm up.

Shikamaru scratched and grumbled something like, "...rather be a pineapple head than an AIR head..."

Chouji yawned, but his sleepy eyes were still closed. "Who? Huh?"

"Ready?" I asked, pointedly. I need to get myself a cattle prod.

"Why do we have to do this?" Ino asked. "I hate distance running."

"Maybe that's why." I shrugged.

"I used to think you were cool," Shikamaru muttered, reproachfully. He scratched his neck and shook his head, disappointed.

Chouji had dozed off and woken up again. "What's going on?"

"Asuma-sensei," Ino began, "Is making us run while he sits around and smokes."

"Don't forget, 'and reads the paper'," I added, holding up the newspaper in my hand. The scowl on Ino's face in response to this was priceless. I only wished I had a camera.

Shikamaru scratched.

"Oh yeah," Chouji murmured. He wiped his face with his scarf. "When's breakfast?"

I patted him on the shoulder. "All-you-can-eat pancakes, Chouji, after you run. Go."

Chouji was immediately fully awake and alert. "RIGHT! Let's go!" He suddenly was fired up enough to be on Team Gai.

"Ugh," Ino wrinkled her nose at me. "Why are you trying to bribe him with food?"

"Who cares? It works," I pointed out. "Now get moving."

They sighed and whined, but finally they started off. As they jogged away, I heard Ino complain, "It's not fair of him to make us do stuff he can't do!"

"Oh no?" I asked, behind her in an instant.

Ino shrieked, eyes terrified. "What the--? Where did you come from?"

"I thought you knew all about everything I can and can't do," I grinned, running past them.

"Holy moly," I heard Chouji say.

"Son of a--" Shikamaru began.

"Hey guys?" I called back over my shoulder. "Come on, you're lagging behind..."

And then we were running-- together. It felt great. The coolness of the air in my lungs was perfect. I took deep breaths, enjoying how clean it all felt. The leaves and grass had a satisfying spring underfoot. It had been a while since I'd gotten to do this.

I could hear the kids behind me, their steps already becoming irregular. "Come on, team-- keep it up."

"He's too fast," Ino growled to Shikamaru. "How does he haul that fat ass around like that?"

"Ino, this is nothing but muscle," I chuckled.

"Oh SHUT UP." Ino huffed. "We've seen how you eat."

I laughed. Shikamaru scratched. Chouji panted for air.

"Hey, look, you guys," I called out, slowing the pace a little. "It's Genma." Sure enough, Shiranui Genma was beside the path we were running on.

"Oh my god," Ino wailed, bemoaning her un-makeupped state. "Not Genma! He's so fine!" At this Shikamaru made a rather rude noise, something inbetween a cough and a snort. Then he scratched.

"He's what?" I asked, teasingly, as if I didn't know. Seems like half the girls in Konoha are hot for Genma.

"Ohpleasedon'tlethimseemelikethis!" Ino tried to cover her face, but it was too late.Genma waved casually. "Hey, Asuma," he drawled, toothpick waving. "Working your kids, huh?"

"Yup. Ino wants to say hi."

Genma chuckled and gave Ino a little grin, amused. "Well, hello there."

Ino's face was so red I thought her head would pop. As soon as we turned a corner and were out of Genma's earshot she began threatening me with gory death.

"Can we stop now?" Shikamaru groaned, itching. "This sucks!"

I nodded. "Sure, you can stop. Your mom said to send you straight home after."

I heard him grunt. "Geh. Never mind..."

Up ahead, I spotted a familiar head of chestnut brown hair. "Team 10!" I called out, "Kurenai-sensei coming up on the right... give her a nice greeting."

"Grr," I heard from Shikamaru.

"Let me rephrase. Give her a nice greeting, or we do this again _tomorrow_ morning."

Kurenai was sitting under a tree, in the morning mist. She looked a little distant-- maybe she was still tired. She doesn't exactly seem like a morning person. I only saw her for just a moment, but I still remember it clearly. I think she had been meditating, or thinking about something. Her expression was so intense, collected. I wondered what she was thinking about, and why she was up so early.

"Good Morning, Kurenai-sensei," Ino, Chouji and Shikamaru chorused, like little angels. It shook me out of whatever I was thinking. I laughed, and hard. I saw her face flush, and she stared after us, incredulous. I looked back at her over my shoulder as we ran away from her. She was still staring as we rounded the corner, out of sight.

When we had finished that first lap, I walked over to the bench where I had left my stuff. The kids stopped too. "What do you guys think you're doing?" I asked, dryly. I flicked out a cigarette. "That was only one lap. You've got nine more to go."

"This sucks!" Shikamaru spat.

"I'm hungry," Chouji said softly, with pitiful little tears in his eyes.

"Finish your laps and we'll eat," I promised, sprawling out on the bench.

"But that's not fair," Ino whined. "_You're_ just sitting there!"

"_I,_" I reminded her, "am not the one who is taking Chuunin exams in a few months." Ino looked down at her toes, putting on her saddest, most pathetic pout. "Not working on me," I said, tone flat. I'm teacher, not Daddy. "Get moving or we do this again tomorrow."

Ino scowled at me. "I hate you."

"Bye," I waved, pointedly. "Remember to pace yourselves."

The kids were off, scratching and whining and complaining all the way. I lay back and breathed deeply. I still felt a little out of breath. I must getting old. But hey-- what's the fun in being an instructor if you don't get to show off that you can still haul ass every now and then? And besides, it's a lot less effort to run one lap than it is to put up with their complaining.

Why do they complain so much? All they do is whine. Trash talking, gluttonous, lazy kids. I sighed. They could be so great, you know. Their fathers are amazing shinobi, why aren't they the same? Why do they act this way? If only they had some more self-motivat--

Erm. Hold on. I realized I'm sounding rather like a few of my own teachers I can remember. Does this mean I'm wrong in my thinking and I should be more understanding towards them? Or that I was wrong back then and I should be thankful to my teachers who said those things to me even though I hated hearing them?

I sighed again. This was a true conundrum-- one which would require a lot of thought. So I put it off for later and took a nap.

Ino had lapped the boys by her third pass. I stopped them. "Hold up. Lap three is done, and Ino's way ahead of you, Shikamaru and Chouji."

Ino smiled smugly, hands on her hips. Shikamaru scratched his chest. Chouji sighed, probably thinking about breakfast.

"This time," I continued, "You three have to stay _together_."

"No fair," Ino groused. "I want to finish this and go home!"

"The point is to learn to work as a team, Ino," I admonished her.

She heaved a weighty sigh. "UGH! Fine..." Then she turned, hand on her hip. "All right you two! Get it in gear! I haven't got all day you know..."

Shikamaru glared daggers at me. Kunai and needles too. "THANKS."

I smiled encouragingly. She's not being fair, but they've got to figure out their own way of dealing with it if they want to be a team. If I break it up all the time, they'll never be able to last on their own without a referee.

"Come ON!"

"This sucks!"

"Me... so hungry..."

By lap five Ino had lost her patience, of course, and decided to ditch the boys. I stopped them again. I had expected this, though. That was why I came prepared.

"Oh god," Chouji looked like he was about to cry. "You're kidding."

"Nope." I stood back and admired my work. Shikamaru, Ino, and Chouji were now tied together by the ankles, the way they would be if they were in a three-legged race. Well, four-legged race, since there were three of them.

"My hate for you is unspeakable," Ino breathed. She was now living her worst nightmare, tied in the middle.

"Ino, dear," I said, kindly, "You can either spend your energy hating me, or you can try to learn from me."

"There is NOTHING to learn from this other than I have two slow, lazy teammates! And don't you DARE call me DEAR!" Ino cried, her voice rising with every word. Chouji was cringing away from her, frightened by her wrath.

"I hear Sasuke-kun doesn't like a quitter," I smirked.

"You are so dead," Ino seethed. "That was not funny."

Shikamaru was looking slightly amused at that last crack. He scratched. "Ino, just shut up and let's do this."

"MUTINY!" Ino cried. "Backstabber!"

Chouji whined. "Hungryyy!"

"Quit screaming," Shikamaru sighed, rubbing his ears. "I just want to get it over with. Come on, let's go."

"Have fun, guys," I waved, lighting up a new cigarette. I leaned back against the bench and sighed.

"That's more like you," I heard a soft voice say. I looked up. There was Kurenai, walking towards me. She gave me a nod in greeting. "Asuma."

"Kurenai," I answered, straightening as she approached. She strode slowly over and perched on the bench beside me. "Hey."

Silence.

"So..." I ventured. "What's up?"

She smirked, looking off into the distance. "Nothing."

She was so close. I tried to fix my hair a little. It was still kind of matted to my head from sleeping last night. I had gotten up without showering and now I was regretting it.

"What were you doing, earlier?" she asked, all of a sudden.

"Running," I replied, hoping it was the right answer. "Not for speed, for distance. The kids... they need to work on endurance."

She looked at me out of the corner of her eye. "_You_ were running," she said.

"Yeah." I scratched the back of my neck ruefully. "Ino was saying she didn't think I could."

"I see." Kurenai's lips curved just so, in a manner that suggested she found this amusing.

"What?" I asked, exhaling. That face made me feel kind of uneasy. Conversation with her is so tough sometimes. She doesn't offer much of a reaction to go with, keeps her answers so short. Sometimes trying to talk to her can be downright stressful.

She leaned her back against the backrest of the bench, but she didn't fall into a slouch. She never does. The lines of her neck are always erect, graceful. Kind of like a dancer. "You're faster than you look."

"Thanks. I think." _What was that supposed to mean?_ I looked away and took a deep drag of my cigarette.

"I didn't mean it in a bad way," she said, somberly. Her eyes softened a bit, her gaze trailed from her hands to mine, and then slowly up to the top of my head. I felt huge and clumsy all of a sudden, feeling the difference in our size. "It's not bad," she murmured, as if in response to my thoughts. "You really are fast."

I smiled, trying to play down any embarrassment I was feeling at the moment. "That's my job."

"You know what I mean," she said, her eyes dark.

I forced a chuckle. I guessed this was her way of giving compliments. "Thanks, Kurenai."

She was kind of watching me in an odd way, deep red eyes focused and intent. It made me feel a little self-conscious. Probably she was expecting the inevitable heart attack induced by me trying to run. I decided to distract her from my impending demise for a bit. "What're you doing today?"

Kurenai sighed, running her fingers through her thick hair. "Meeting with my team pretty soon, then we have a mission to take care of. Just a quick one. After that Hinata usually stays after to train, so--"

"Hinata does?" I asked, surprised.

She nodded and crossed one leg over the other. "Hinata has been staying late to work on her taijutsu lately."

"That's good," I agreed. It would probably do the timid girl a lot of good to be around a confident woman like Kurenai. "Don't let her get too tired, though, setbacks might be discouraging."

"I know," she said, with an edge that said she didn't need me to tell her that. Her expression went unreadable again. "Well. I'm going."

"Okay," I waved. "See you, maybe later."

She looked back at me, her fiery eyes somber. "All right."

Days went by. The weather was getting warmer as April melted into May. Team 10 and I ran together two or three times a week. Each time they got a little better. Shikamaru washed his sweatshirt for our next run, and Ino got up a bit earlier for primping.

_"Kurenai-sensei, up ahead--" _

_"Hi, Kurenai-sensei!"_

The kids were becoming stronger. I didn't have to tell them so. They felt it.

_"Team! Kurenai-sensei, at ten o' clock!" _

_"Morning, Kurenai-sensei!"_

Soon Chouji wasn't out of breath, and Ino didn't need to be ordered to keep pace with her teammates. It wasn't a chore now. It was more like a game.

_"Team 10! Kurenai-sensei! Salute!" _

_"GOOD MORNING KURENAI-SENSEI!"_

Evenings went by. I would see Kurenai at her training ground, or sometimes she would happen by the head office at the same time I did. Sometimes we'd talk, most times we didn't. Either way was fine by me. It was still nice. It feels different to be with her. Like-- like being more awake than I was before.

_"Asuma." _

_"Kurenai."_

I'd walk her home if I could. It was dark now in the evenings. Of course it was just a formality-- right? I mean, I don't have to worry about her. She's a jounin. She's fine on her own, I'm sure... but...

_"Would you like to come in?"  
_  
For some reason, or another, one night she asked me to stay for coffee. That became a habit too. She makes good coffee.

Sometimes I want to say more, or ask more, but I know she doesn't want me to. That's okay.

_"Long day?"_

I think some people are cat people and some are dog people.

When I was a kid my dad used to have a dog. It was the gentlest dog you'd ever seen. He was an old dog, and he had wise eyes. Sometimes I'd get upset and run outside and cry like a little brat. And here would come that dog. He'd just sit with you, and look at you, and you'd know he understood. My brother never really got that-- he said the dog was waiting for a snack. But I knew. I knew he listened. He loved his family, you know? He loved you without fail as soon as he sensed you were a kindred soul.

When I was a kid we used to have cats, too. My mom had a thing for cats. The thing with cats is, they aren't like dogs. A cat-- a cat has to learn you first. Once a cat knows enough... learns your voice, your smell, your mannerisms, then the cat might let you get close. After that.. who knows. Sometimes they'll love you. Sometimes they'll just walk away. Sometimes you get a faceful of claws. I usually got the faceful of claws.

Yes, I think some people are cat people and some others are dog people. I think Kurenai is the type of person who needs time. I admire that about her, though. I like that she sits back and observes before she acts. I like that she doesn't throw herself around at others. She doesn't need anyone's attention. She just holds mine without effort...

_"Well. I guess I had better go."_

Eventually after my coffee is done, the room starts to seem smaller and darker than before. Without the coffee to concentrate on, I find my eyes trailing to her hands, her hair, her lips. That's when it's time to go. I cut things short and excuse myself politely. I'm sure she's relieved when I go, anyway. She seems to enjoy her peace and quiet.

Tonight, though, I thought I saw her watching me go from her window. Her eyes were empty, her lips pressed together in an expression I don't believe I've ever seen before on that pale face. She looked... unsure. Seeing her face that way, when it's usually so calm and collected-- I wasn't sure what to do. What did it mean? I wanted to go back and find out, but I'm afraid of the claws.

As time goes on, if we keep at something, we grow gradually in ways we don't always see at first. If we keep going at it, after a lapse of time, we can look back and see how much we've grown. By the end of the month, Team 10 had cut their time in running those ten laps around the village nearly in half, and they could stay together doing it. By the end of the month, I felt like I was getting closer to Kurenai than I was to anyone else. Sure, I'm pretty solitary to begin with, and sure, it was easy to see that that sentiment was one-sided, but still.

She's really, really different from any other person I know. I've never really thought much about women before-- they've always seemed like too much trouble-- but, there's something about her that I find compelling. I want to know her better. She's quiet and thoughtful and I'm interested to know more about how she thinks. Other women tease and giggle and flirt and hint. I hate being prodded into doing things. I like going at my own pace.

Darkness falls around the village and all of the lights in the windows are going out. It's quiet now, except for the bark of a neighbor's dog, and the cricket song. In my dreams tonight I am running...

Not alone...

We are running together and trying to match pace...

Slow and quiet through the trees.


	6. quiet

**quiet  
**Kurenai

* * *

"Sensei?"

"Yo!"

"Sensei? Hey, Sensei. Sensei? Teach!"

I opened my eyes slowly. "Kiba," I began, as usual, mentally counting to ten.

The scruffy-haired boy before me shuffled his feet. "Sorry."

I sighed and leaned back against the pine tree I was resting under. "It's all right." It was late in the evening of a rather long day. I was tired and a little cranky and not in top condition to deal with Kiba's mouth at the moment. I was ready to go home.

Kiba fidgeted and looked away. Shino and Hinata were obediently still going through a series of kicks and punches on the practice dummies. "I'm finished," he said, watching them.

"Good job," I nodded. When he didn't bound away as he usually did, I knew something was up. He eyed me and shifted uneasily.

"Have a seat," I offered, moving my paperwork aside so that he could sit next to me.

The boy looked immediately relieved. He turned around once and sat down, crossing his legs neatly. Akamaru trotted over and curled up in his master's lap. Kiba stroked the little dog's ears, but didn't say anything. The unusual quiet made me kind of suspicious.

"What's on your mind?" I asked.

"Huh?" Kiba looked up, surprised. "Oh. Nothing."

"I see." I leaned my head back against the tree and looked up at the branches above. Akamaru whined and rolled onto his side, ready to fall asleep.

Kiba pulled his hood back. His eyes were intent and narrowed. "Sensei."

"Yes?"

"That day, with the tree. And Hinata." The blood-red marks on Kiba's face looked grim on his unsmiling cheeks. "I'm sorry."

I stared at him in surprise. "Kiba, that was weeks ago."

"I know. But..." He bit his lip, eyes lowered.

"Don't," I told him. "Hinata forgave you already. She wasn't hurt. It's all right."

"No!" Kiba shook his head. "That's not what I mean. I mean, I'm sorry for that too, but I mean, like, the part where I wasn't letting her help."

I watched him closely. He was gazing off in the direction of his teammates. "I understand why you got mad, ya know. Hinata wants to be stronger," he said. "She can't get strong if she doesn't get to try."

I closed my eyes and nodded.

"It's hard though," he continued. "Like, I don't want her to have to... I mean, I don't want her to get hurt! An' there's a lot of stuff that could hurt her! She's just so little!"

Hinata was striking the training dummy with a flurry of palm strikes. Shino had finished and was watching her. I expected him to give a few pointers, but this was Shino, of course. He stood silently and observed.

"She's frail," Kiba declared. "Stuff hurts her more then it hurts me. Like earlier today when we were practicing. I hit her and it wasn't hard but I saw her cough, and go like, whoa, and then I felt so bad, I mean, I didn't mean to, but... gah!" He made a sound of frustration. "What am I supposed to do!"

I regarded him silently.

He seethed, looking at his clawed hands. "I mean, I don't want to hurt her! But then if I hold back, how's she ever going to get strong? What's gonna happen when we take the Chuunin exams? She's gonna have to fight someone, an' they won't go easy on her. But, but--"

"What would you choose," I asked, "if it was all up to you?"

Kiba groaned. "Well duh, I'd keep her safe and away from anyone that would hurt her. You know I was walking home with her the other day? And that stupid jerko cousin of hers--" here the boy growled, "I do _not_ like him. One bit."

I blinked, amused. "Hyuuga Neji, you mean?"

"Yeah. Him." Kiba spat. "I'd like ta kick his ass good! Bastard. He treats her like trash."

I shook my head, trying to be diplomatic. "The Hyuugas... the Hyuugas are..." I search for the proper word to describe it.

"Messed up." He scowled.

That'll do. "And they have always been that way. Neji and Hinata are both victims in this situation. They're both having to live by their clan's standards."

"But Hinata's nice," Kiba grumbled. "Hinata is the sweetest girl in the whole world."

Akamaru yipped his agreement. I smiled softly. Across the training ground, Shino was sparring Hinata. Their movements were light and fluid, graceful. They have good coordination. Shino swooped over with a punch, Hinata ducked and countered with a strike to his back. He turned, she turned, they dove and struck again.

"The Chuunin exam is coming," Kiba said, soberly. "Are you gonna make Hinata take it?"

"I won't make anyone do anything," I told him.

"Well if she wants to take it, what then?"

I give Akamaru a pat on the head. "It's her decision, Kiba."

His expression was upset, worried. "What if she's not ready?"

I looked away, saying the words I knew I should say, but I didn't feel my heart in them. "It's up to her to decide. You can't stop her. All we can do is try to help her."

Shino and Hinata had slowed to a halt now. Hinata knelt in the green grass, making mild small talk. Shino stood at a few paces' distance away from her, answering her with nods.

"How." Kiba's voice sounded hollow to my ears. "I don't know what the best thing to do is."

I paused, touched by his concern for his teammate. This was a side of Kiba I really hadn't seen much of yet. "I think," I said, carefully, "I think what Hinata could use most, is someone who believes in her."

This sank in slowly. The breeze rustled the gnarled trees overhead, scattering bronzed needles to the ground. We were both quiet, for a bit, and I was surprised to feel a strange kind of connection between us. Both of us would do anything to shield Hinata from harm. But both of us would have to accept that that wasn't what she wants us to do.

I didn't really like that feeling.

Kiba wiped his nose. "I will," he growled, getting to his feet. "I'll do anything that makes Hinata happy. But... I won't let anyone hurt her."

I nodded quietly. "That's good, Kiba."

Kiba ran off to join the others. I waved to them. "That's enough for today, team, good job."

The kids scampered away. I stayed where I was, contemplating Kiba's words and watching the dappled light filter through the trees. The afternoon breeze stirred the branches above me. A few rust-tinted needles tumbled down to join the ones already scattered below.

Fallen and dead.

I heard the crackle of twigs and leaves as someone approached, and the familiar smell of cigarette smoke tickled my nose. I twitched, looking around.

Asuma stepped out of the shadows behind me. "Hey," he said quietly, raising a hand in greeting.

"Asuma," I muttered, and my voice sounded dark in my own ears.

His gaze trained on me, searching. "I saw your kids going home," he began. _But you're still here._ He hadn't said it aloud, but it was there.

"Yes." I didn't know what else to say. What else could I say? What else did he want me to say?

What does he want from me, anyway?

I scrutinized him, trying to get a handle on the situation. He stood a few steps away, at a polite distance. He looked just like always-- standing there in his familiar slouch, cigarette hanging from his lower lip, his thumbs hooked through his belt loops.

It was just Asuma. And all he had to say was, "Want to go for a walk?"

I stared at him. He smiled gently. The lines around his eyes showed, in the shadows of the trees. He looked tired. He looked concerned. He looked honest.

He held out his hand to me, and he looked like just what I needed.

I took his hand. I let him help me up. I let him lead me through the shaded woods and out into the fields.

Beyond the trees, the fresh air and open sky greeted us. Endless blue stretched above, caressing the tops of the mountains on the horizon.

I felt troubles clearing from my head one by one. Tall grasses waved in the wind, looking for all the world like a soft green sea. The last golden rays of the sun filtered through the hazy sky. Downy brown sparrows flew in low loops above the earth, on their way home for the night's rest.

Asuma let out a deep sigh of smoke. I expected him to ask questions, but he didn't. He left it at comfortable silence.

It was nice.

There is something meaningful about finding someone you can just be quiet with. We talk all day, talking when we are nervous, talking when we are scared, talking to cover ourselves up, talking to keep others away. Talking passes the time and makes us feel alive. We talk because people cannot read our minds, and so we must put our thoughts into words so that they can understand and know us.

There is much to be said for the person with whom you can feel known and understood without talking.

We wandered around the meadow for who knows how long. The shadows grew deeper as the daylight waned. Smoke rose from the chimneys of Konoha, and lights began to show here and there from the dark houses.

Asuma leaned close, and his hand brushed the inside of my elbow. I hadn't been expecting the light touch at all and I jumped, startled. He was very near.

"Look," he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

I turned to the direction in which he indicated. The sky was bathed in fire. Tongues of flame reached out from the western horizon, dyeing the heavens the richest shades of saffron, vermilion, and crimson.

I gazed up into the shifting and changing colors. I have seen many sunsets, before and since, but that one was truly amazing. That was not just a sunset I saw. It was a sunset I felt, with my whole heart and every fibre of my being. It was hot, it was lingering, it was soft and still and it made my heart ache. The sun's burning red began to flow and fade into soft rose and dusky violet. We stood and watched it all, until the sky was black and the stars glimmered back at us.

Then he turned and led me home, in that comfortable silence.


	7. relax

**relax**  
Kurenai

* * *

I needed to relax. So I set myself up for a nice long soak in a hot bath. My hair pinned up in a big mess on top of my head, I settled in with a book and some hot tea. Everything would be fine, I just needed to clear my head. 

I must have been quite absorbed in said book, because I didn't notice anyone coming into the house until the bathroom door burst open.

"Kuuuuuu-re-naaaaai!"

I must have jumped a good three feet in the air. I almost dropped my book right into the bathwater. "Anko!" I gasped, trying to get over the shock. God, she scared me. "What on _earth_ are you doing?"

Mitarashi Anko grinned, apparently proud of herself. She loves to make a big entrance. "Thought I'd stop by!" She chuckled, giving a casual little wave.

I scowled. "Well, don't mind me, I'm just trying to take a bath."

"I can see that," she said, nodding appreciatively. "Lookin' good."

"Ugh." I brought my knees up, trying to preserve my modesty.

She laughed out loud, her spiky hair bobbing happily. "Haha! That was awesome, though. You totally didn't even hear me come in!"

"The front door should have been locked," I muttered. Intrusion on people's bathtimes should be a punishable offense.

"I still have my key," she said, holding it up to show me, hazel eyes gleaming.

I rolled my eyes sarcastically and studied the soap dish. "Damn. I thought I had changed the lock."

Anko laughed again, fondly. "You always say that."

This was true. I always say that. Anko and I are always the same.

Anko has had a hard life. On the outside she is all sunshine. She handles her duties as a special jounin with authority and purpose. But off the job, on the inside she's like a time bomb. Her relationships are often troubled. She has a self-destructive streak as well as some deep cravings to be accepted. It drives most others away from her. Most people just don't have the patience or reserves to really be close with her. But I've always worried about Anko. We used to be roommates, or at least, we were roommates when she wasn't staying with one of her random lovers.

I don't see her so often anymore. She's very busy with work. She puts her everything into her job now. We go out for a drink every now and then. Sometimes she stops by to say hello. Usually it's because she's bored, or it's for something to eat, or when she's broke and needing somewhere to stay. I let her stay and play big sister for a while. Then she'll be off again doing who knows what... She just can't stay in one place long.

"Whatcha readin'?" She asked, going for the book. She snatched it and flipped through the pages. "Is it dirty?"

"No."

Anko didn't believe me, apparently, because she proceeded to flip through the book sideways, as if looking for pictures. "Aw man... poetry? I was hoping for horror! Gore! Smut!"

I sighed and took the book back from her. "Yeah, just boring old me, you know."

"You got anything good to eat?" she asked, heading for the kitchen. "I'm starving."

"Not really," I called to her, getting out of the bath after she had left eyesight range. "I haven't gone shopping yet this week." I wrapped a towel around my steaming skin, drying off quickly. I had to admit I was a little disappointed to have company, not because it was Anko, but because I had really wanted to be alone. I guessed I'd give myself a rain check on that long relaxing soak.

"Hey!" she yelled, from the kitchen. "There's nothing in this fridge! Haven't you gone shopping yet this week?"

Sigh. Anko is a special friend.

I threw some clothes on and joined her in the living room, where she was calling for take-out. Nice of her, too, on my credit. "Okay, yeah. Fifteen minutes or it's free, right?" Anko hung up the phone and turned to me with a grin. "I've been craving tangerine chicken from the place on the corner for like, weeks." She flopped onto the couch and rubbed her tummy excitedly.

"Make yourself at home," I deadpanned, toweling my hair.

She tossed a pillow at me. "You could be happier to see me, you know." She stuck out her tongue.

I stopped and looked her in the eye. _Oh, Anko._ "I am happy to see you," I said quietly.

"Good!" She smiled, satisfied. "You should be, especially since I came to tell you... guess who's overseeing the second part of the Chuunin exam this year?"

I hung my towel over the back of a chair and sat down crosslegged on the floor to comb my hair out with my fingers. "I don't know."

"Come on, Kurenai, guess," she urged, gesturing impatiently.

But I don't really do guessing games. I pulled at a particularly stubborn knot, working my fingers back and forth to loosen the tangle. "I have no idea."

"Ta-da!" Anko spread her arms wide, gleeful. "Yours truly!"

I stopped mid-tangle and stared up at her. I couldn't help but be a little surprised. "Y-you are?"

"Yup." Anko grinned, giving me a wink. "And you'd better make sure those genin of yours are ready."

"They'll handle anything you could throw at them." I told her, with conviction.

She gave me an impish smile. "Oh yeah? Let's see how well they can handle... the Forest of Death."

"The Forest of Death?" I repeated, surprised. _She wants to send my kids into--_

"Ah, ah," Anko says, cutting me short with an admonishing finger. "I can tell what you're thinking. But they're not just kids, Kurenai. They're _soldiers_. And survival is a necessary skill for any chuunin."

I set my jaw. Anko was right. "They'll be ready." _I promise._

That night Anko crashed in a snoring heap on the floor in my living room, but I couldn't sleep. I lay in my bed and stared out the window. The full moon drifted through the heavens, casting its pale light back down on me and my empty room.

I thought about my team. I wanted to see them, right now. I thought about Shino and his quiet observation of the world around him. I thought about Kiba and his unlimited excitement and energy. I thought about Hinata and her gentle compassion for others. I thought about Anko and the chuunin exam.

I thought about Asuma. I thought about Asuma for a long time.

They say that during childhood, we have our parents, our birth family; and after we become a genin, we're adults, and our team replaces that position in our lives. When I was a genin, my team really wasn't very close-knit, so I never really understood that. But now, I think I am starting to understand.

I just don't know if I want to. If you get close to people, if you make them special to you, you can lose them.

The Forest of Death, huh?

Some people say our fates are written in the stars above. I stared up into the sky, wanting to see. All I saw were stars.

The next morning found me at the Head Office. I had holed myself up in a corner with some hot tea and the latest news bulletins. I was planning on doing for a little research on what our next missions would be.

"Oh... Kurenai?" a gruff elderly voice interrupted my reading.

I glanced up. The wizened face of the Third Hokage was looking at me over the folder I was immersed in. I took off my reading glasses and jumped to my feet. "Hokage-sama-- Good morning."

The Third nodded, with an aged smile. "Good morning. Sit down, sit down."

I sat as directed. I was amused to note once again that even at his advanced age, the Third was still smoking that pipe of his. Every bit the typical Sarutobi. "How are you feeling, sir?"

The Third grinned down at me and thumped his chest. "Heh. Don't worry about me. Healthy as a horse. How are you? How's teaching?"

I shuffled the papers in my hands. "It's going well, sir. I have three very gifted genin on my hands. I think they will go far."

"Excellent. Isn't today Saturday?" he asked. "What are you doing in here on your day off?"

"Oh," I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. "Just going over paperwork. I was curious to see what kind of missions we'd be getting in the next weeks."

"I see. In that case, hold on a moment." The Hokage shuffled out of the room. He returned soon with a pair of scrolls. "Here." He placed one in my waiting hands.

"What is it?" I asked, fingering the seal.

"A new mission," the Third smiled, and puffed on his pipe. "I hope your students are ready for a more difficult task."

"They are, sir," I said quickly. "Yardwork and finding cats is important, of course... but I believe they are ready for any challenge you can give them."

He nodded, pleased. "Look that over, then, and see me if you have any questions. Then-- you should go get some fresh air. Don't stay in this old office all day, now."

"Sir?" I asked, out of curiosity. "What is that other one?"

"Oh," he replied. "This would be Team 10's assignment." The Hokage looked from the scroll in his hand to me. "You... wouldn't be happening to be seeing Asuma anytime today, would you?"

"I might," I admitted.

"Well, would you mind taking this to him? It would save a messenger a trip, you know..." he trailed off. I thought I saw a possible twinkle in his eye.

"I wouldn't mind," I told him. "He says he lives near where I do, anyway. Can you write down the address for me?"

"Of course." The Third smiled, his eyes crinkling with pleasure. "Thank you."

So it's not long before I'm wandering around the streets, totally at a loss for where to go. The street that the Hokage gave me is nowhere near my street. In fact, I don't even think it's part of the same neighborhood.

Could this be right? I had refused to stop and ask for directions until now. I could figure this out on my own. His street must be...

I tried to remember if I'd ever seen from which way he comes or goes. I couldn't. I tried to imagine the kind of place Asuma probably would live. I came to the conclusion that it's got to be run-down, smoky, and somewhere near that All-You-Can-Eat Barbeque he frequents with his kids. And for some reason I imagined it was painted green.

"You look lost," a deep voice murmured to my right. I looked up and there was Hatake Kakashi, reading his dirty book.

"I'm not lost," I explained. "I'm trying to find where Asuma lives."

At this he seemed a little surprised. His one visible eye widened. "You mean... you don't know already?"

"What is that supposed to mean?" I asked, flatly.

"Never mind," he grunted, turning a page, with a tone that belied a smirk beneath that silly mask.

"The Hokage asked me to," I emphasized. "I'm not dropping by for teatime."

Now Kakashi's eye narrowed in amusement. "Teatime? That's a new word for it."

"Oh shut up," I huffed. I don't know much about Kakashi, but I will tell you one thing: I don't think I like him. He is handsome-- well, what you can see of him anyway-- and pretty popular with Konoha's female population. In fact, just hearing other women bring him up so often makes me feel a slight irritation. He is troubled and he acts strange instead of getting some help or dealing with it out in the open. He's incredibly talented as a shinobi, has natural talent I'd kill hundreds to get, and yet he has no ambition.

Those things aren't the worst, though. What really drives me up the wall about Kakashi is simply this. He is never straightforward. When he speaks it's usually some kind of joke, or sarcasm. He also has a habit of making these enigmatic musings, as though he were talking to himself. He often acts an idiot, with his silly book and flaky behavior. Even his training is more like showing off than actual work: one-finger pushups and nonsense like that. I never know how to react to the things he says or does. It irks me to no ends at times.

Kakashi's gaze moved to the second page. "Asuma's place is on the west end of Pine Street. Turn left when you see the barbeque, then left again. End of the street."

"Um, thanks." I stammered, surprised. But Kakashi was already gone.

Well, at least I was right about it being near the All-You-Can-Eat Barbeque.

As I turned onto the right street, the tipsy buildings had a little more space between them. The houses here on this edge of the city had trees about, small patches of garden and green, old-fashioned wood and paper window screens. These buildings were much older than the ones in my neighborhood. I noticed potted plants on the narrow doorsteps and bonsai in the small yards. Perhaps older people lived here?

The simple sound of my footsteps felt too noisy in the quiet of this place. With the thick line of trees behind the buildings, it didn't even feel like part of the city. The dry autumn breeze rustled the pine needles and the trees answered with a sigh. I felt a little jealous that Asuma had such a peaceful neighborhood to live in. I mean, this was a _nice_ neighborhood. I probably couldn't afford the rent here on my salary. All part and parcel of being a Sarutobi, perhaps.

The last building on the street appeared to be a multistory building fashioned into apartments, beyond which the street ended in a small grove of trees, not quite large enough to be called a park, really. I looked up at the building. Olive green paint. Three mail slots lined up by the gate, the middle one labeled "2 – Sarutobi" in scrawled hand. I nodded to myself. This must be it. I climbed a narrow but solidly-built flight of stairs to the second floor apartment. Nearing the top of the flight, I reached the top stair and peeked around the corner.

The front door hung open, allowing breeze to enter a small tatami-matted living room. Inside I could see Asuma and his student Shikamaru sprawled on the floor, half-engaged in a game of shogi. Akimichi Chouji was napping beside them, and Yamanaka Ino lay on the floor nearby, idly leafing through a magazine. Her feet kicked back and forth behind her, casually, happily.

I was shocked at the relaxed and even languid atmosphere, to say the least. Was this what Team 10 did all the time? Was this Asuma's idea of training? How could he call himself a teacher? How despicable, how lazy! My team, my Team 8 never—

_Wait._

Today was Saturday. Asuma's team was hanging out together. On their day off.

Perhaps he was doing something right after all.

I left the scroll in his mailbox on my way out. It would appear I had some work to do.

I've been way too lax. I've been letting myself be distracted by coffee and sunsets and things instead of focusing my effort on what is really important. The Chuunin Exam is a competition, after all, and my kids' lives are hanging in the balance. I needed to buckle down, quit playing around and go for the jugular. This isn't a job in which we're supposed to make friends. This is a job in which we are supposed to take adolescents and prepare them for the battlefield.

It was time for me to get serious.


	8. luck

**luck  
**Asuma

* * *

You know why I hate playing cards?

"Kakashi! You may have won last time, but there is no way that you, my eternal rival, can beat me in this hand. Feast your eyes on THAT! FULL HOUSE!"

Well, besides _that_.

"Straight flush." Kakashi said flatly, laying the cards on the table.

Gai clenched his fist and made an unintelligible sound of frustration. "Not again!"

Kakashi turned in my direction. "Asuma, what have you got there?"

I hate playing cards because no matter how much you think, no matter how much you plan, what you draw from the deck is always completely…

"Queen of hearts. King of clubs."

Random.

Gai seemed to brighten. At least he had beaten somebody. "That's it?"

"And a two, a seven, and an eight." I laid the cards out side by side for inspection.

Gai, Kakashi, and I were currently occupying our usual table at our usual bar. The regular crowd of Jounin and Chuunin were scattered about the room, swapping the regular stories and showing off the regular battle scars. The place was crowded and smoky like always, the noise level a dull roar. Just like I liked it. I was slouched comfortably in my chair, resigned to losing the card games long ago. The sting of defeat wasn't as bitter for me as it was for Gai. I had a big glass of beer. Maybe that was why.

I took another swig of said glass of beer while Gai collected my pathetic cards for reshuffling. Kakashi gave what might have been a chuckle, had he put more effort into it. "Well! Better luck next time."

"Yep."

Gai shuffled, and began dealing— he was never satisfied with Kakashi's dealing, and I was just too lazy for the job. I watched him deal our cards with impeccable neatness. It amused me, the perfectly placed cards contrasting sharply with the stained tabletop. I tapped the ash off of my cigarette into the overflowing ashtray.

"So, Asuma, any plans for the weekend?" Gai asked casually, raising one eyebrow.

"Huh? Not really." I took a long drag and collected my cards, regarding them, skeptical. "You?"

"I hear you have a big mission coming up," Gai flashed his gleaming smile to me as he shuffled his five cards around a bit. "C-Rank?"

"Yeah, but it's no big deal." I picked my cards up, and witnessed yet again the phenomena that is my bad luck at poker.

"No big deal?" Gai seemed shocked. "Your team, your precious pupils' first C-rank mission in their entire lives is no big deal to you?"

I shifted slightly in my seat. Looks like my attempt to keep it on the down-low wasn't working. "Well…"

Gai cut me off. "I'm wondering if you're fit to be a teacher, Asuma. Don't you understand that these students of ours are the future of Konoha? Don't you feel any responsibility to help shape them into good shinobi? Teaching isn't just a job, it's a calling."

Kakashi drew a card and gave me a look that said, _see what you did now_?

"I know all of those things, Gai." I returned, scratching my chin in discomfort. "The only reason I said that it wasn't a big deal is that the mission is... it's painting the Hokage's house." There you go guys, go ahead and make a big deal out of it if you want. Piece of cake mission goes to Hokage's estranged wittle boy.

Kakashi's eye crinkled, amused, but Gai's jaw dropped open just a bit. "And how on earth does that constitute a C-rank mission?"

"I guess they want a good paint job," I shrugged. Let's not talk about why my old man had assigned that mission to _me_. I didn't even know-- we're not exactly close, to put it mildly-- but I could make a guess. He wants to talk. Whatever. If I wanted to change missions to avoid him some more, I'd have to go ask him anyway, so that would kind of defeat the purpose. I drew three cards, none of which helped my hand any.

"What? That's… that's absurd. Your students must feel sorely disappointed." Gai thumped a fist on the table. "They deserve a true assignment they can use to test their youthful wings!"

"Meh." I puffed a little on my smoke. "Actually, I don't think they mind. I think they'd rather do this mission than some of the other C-rank missions that were available." Like anything that involved actually fighting, running, being in the sun for long periods of time, or carrying heavy objects. Whiners.

"Oh?" Gai's eyes narrowed. "So your students are as lackadaisical as their teacher, eh? Well, I guess that makes my team's exceptional hard work shine all the brighter." He beamed a brilliant white smile. "And, gentlemen: straight flush."

Gai laid his cards out on the table with a triumphant flourish, then leaned back to admire his hand. "Asuma?"

I reached for my beer. "I got nothin'."

Kakashi leaned his head on his hand and tossed his cards out into the middle. "Royal flush."

Upon witnessing this, something between a squawk and a growl escaped Gai. "Just like my eternal rival, to have something even better waiting even when I think I've won. But I haven't given up yet!"

Gai reshuffled. Kakashi yawned. I chugged. It was indeed a typical Friday night. I nodded to myself. Life is good.

"Hey, hey! Look who's back!" Someone near the door called out.

The door swung open and Shiranui Genma entered, ever-present senbon in his teeth. His fellow Special Jounin Gekkou Hayate was just behind him, and the poor guy looked ready to lose his lunch any minute. The two were welcomed by claps on the back, along with some friendly ribbing.

"Oh-ho, guys, looks like the Special Jounin are back from their _special_ mission!"

"I sure wish I was _special_ like that."

Genma chuckled good-naturedly at the jokes and made his way through the Chuunin seated near the entrance. He noticed us and sidled up to our table. He raised a hand in greeting and gave us a grin. "Hey, guys, how's it going?"

"Not bad," I answered Genma, not really able to take my eyes off of the keen shade of greenish yellow Hayate was turning. Hayate seemed to be having difficulty adjusting to the thick smoke in the air. He coughed violently. Gai passed him a glass of water. He took it, his pale hand shaking, and nodded his thanks.

"Here, sit down, man," Gai offered, offering Hayate a chair. The sickly Special Jounin sunk into it weakly. Genma pulled up a chair as well, turning it backwards and straddling the seat.

"Where are you gentlemen back from this time?" Gai asked, ever the cordial one of the three of us. "Anywhere interesting?"

Hayate choked again and murmured into his glass of water, gazing at us with sunken eyes. "Not particularly."

Genma motioned to the bartender for a beer. "Just… well, you know. With the Chuunin exams coming and all, security's been the issue lately. But-- there've some unusual things going on."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow, and yet still managed to look bored. "Oh?"

Genma looked around and gave a slight nod. "There's been a heavy increase in enemy activity around our borders." The bartender brought his beer and Genma took a long slow drink before he continued. "The way things are going, I wouldn't be surprised if even you boys will be seeing some patrol duty soon."

"Really." Gai's eyes gleamed. One thing you can say about Gai-- the manenjoys his patrol duty. Even things that might seem mundane, he can get excited about. He puts his all into everything. I kind of envy that sometimes.

"Yep." Genma wiped his mouth and surveyed the room. "Wow. This place is just as unattractive as usual."

Hayatecleared his throatpolitely. "Present company excluded, I hope."

"Right, right." Genma chuckled, patting his partner on the back in reassurance. "But some ladies here and there sure wouldn't hurt."

As if on cue, someone kicked the door in. "Did someone say party?" Mitarashi Anko strutted in, gleeful. "'Cause I am back in town. Oh yeah!"

"ANKO!" A chorus went up from the younger guys near the entrance. Her Special Chuunin associates: Iwashi, Kotetsu, Izumo, and a few others, grinned and waved to her. Anko seemed to revel in the attention.

"Wow. _She's_ in a good mood," noted Kakashi.

"Yeah." Genma nodded, giving a little laugh. "Been like that the whole trip back to the village. Mission went pretty well."

"Friends," Anko announced, placing her hands on her hips and looking stern. "My team and I have ventured to the border. And we found… the beer there sucks. Give us somethin' good to drink!"

_Us_? I glanced to the dark area behind Anko's petite frame. Had she somehow succeeded in getting Ibiki to come along with her? That was a surprise. No, that wasn't Ibiki, that was…

"Kurenai-san," one of the Chuunin at the bar gasped.

"Kurenai? Where?" Not a few heads turned, necks craning to see who indeed stood behind Anko in the doorway. A glimpse of brunette hair and red lipstick, and I knew that it was indeed Kurenai. I heard a sigh rise from someone at a nearby table as she walked forward into the dusky light of the bar's hanging lamps. Kurenai was dressed just as usual, and her hair looked nice, I guess. Somehow though, perhaps because she had just entered a room full of guys, she seemed more, I don't know. Womanly. Her face was cool and expressionless. In spite of the red she wears, sometimes she looks a little cold.

Anko strutted up to the bar, eager. Sometimes she reminds me a little bit of a squirrel or a ferret or something. Something chipper and cute, and hyper, but with a hard bite you wouldn't want to mess with. I don't know her well, but when I have seen her, she seems to be in constant search of either fun, or violence. For now, her hazel eyes twinkled merrily as she perched on a barstool and guys raced to the bar to buy her drinks. Watching her, I realized for the first time that her whole shirt was just a little see-through and couldn't help feeling a little weird about it.

Kurenai followed her friend through the room, but her way of moving was quite different. She moved more smoothly, calmly. Many of the eyes in the room were fixed directly on her, but she didn't seem totake noteor care at all. Her stride was confident and controlled. It gave her body a gentle rhythm of movement, making it hard not to notice her curvy figure. I think it would be safe to say it was the curves that most of those eyes in the room were watching.

"God _damn_," I heard a guy at the table behind us say.

"Uh-huh," someone else at his table agreed.

A young dark-haired fellow I recognized as a Chuunin cleared his throat nervously. "Kurenai-san, can I buy you a drink?"

Kurenai looked mildly amused, as though she thought she were being joked with. But she walked on by.

"Ooh," the guys behind us were saying. "Ouch!"

I smiled inwardly to myself. "Looks like our Kurenai-sensei's pretty popular," Kakashi observed.

"She is indeed, and she deserves it," Gai replied. "She is an excellent kunoichi, and a good teacher."

Genma grinned mischieviously at this remark, twirling his toothpick. "I wouldn't mind her teaching me a thing or two."

"And," Gai added with a withering glance at Genma, "Kurenai is a very attractive woman."

Genma grinned wider. "I sure think so."

I looked over at Kurenai. I wondered if she knew that, and I wondered what she would say if she heard Genma say that. I remembered her reaction to my telling her about Ino's first tirade. _The Sexy and Cool Kurenai-sensei._

"But," Gai emphasized, his dark eyes stern, "Kurenai doesn't seem to be interested in being recognized for being anything other than an excellent kunoichi, and a good teacher."

Hayate gagged and sipped some more water.

"Oh come on," Genma waved this away. "A woman can be hot and still be a great ninja."

I felt a little funny at this point. I reached for a new cigarette, but then glanced at Hayate and thought the better of it. I glanced up to see that Kakashi's lazy eye was looking at me, slightly amused.

"I doubt that, in this still unequal society, that many kunoichi would enjoy extra attention being drawn to the fact that they are not the same as their male counterparts in battle," Gai stated, reshuffling the cards neatly.

"I don't see why not," Genma replied. "I mean, a pretty girl is a pretty girl. She shouldn't have to hide it if she wants to have a career as a shinobi. She should be equal anyway, whether she's attractive or not, right? So noticing a woman who's good-looking is like, an extra bonus compliment. Or at least, that's what Anko tells me." He snickered and looked off into the distance, twiddling his toothpick. "Then again, Anko is... Anko."

Gai was surprised. "Of course a woman shouldn't hide it if she is good-looking! She should be herself no matter what!" He began to deal the cards again. "But still, I find it hard to imagine that professional women like Kurenai would enjoy being thought of as a dating prospect. She is truly all business."

"Ho-ho, sexual politics, now?" Kakashi drawled, collecting his cards as they were passed to him.

"Don't you think kunoichi seem to want to be treated without consideration of their gender?" Gai asked us, looking for support.

"Don't ask me," Kakashi told him, grinning through his black mask. "I have no idea whatsoever."

"I should have guessed that," Gai replied, his tone dry.

"I still say hot is hot, there's no pretending it away," Genma declared. "And that, as I'm sure anyone will agree," here he nodded towards Kurenai, "is one hot woman."

Kurenai was seated primly next to Anko at the bar, her legs tucked under her. Leaning her chin in her hand, she seemed to be gazing off into the distance. Anko was telling a story of some sort and Kurenai nodded from time to time in reply. When she did so her hair caught the shine from the overhead lights.

"Asuma..." Kakashi was saying in a singsong voice.

"What?"

"Your cards." He pointed. The cards Gai had dealt were still laying in a little pile in front of me. Gai, Genma, and Kakashi were all holding their hand and were waiting. Hayate sniffed and looked on.

"Right." I picked up my cards and fanned them out.

"How many cards?" Gai asked, speaking deliberately as though he were talking to a small child.

"Um… three." I put my discards down and Gai dealt me three new ones. Unfortunately they were even worse than the ones I had given away. Yet again, I had nothing useful.

"One for me," Genma sighed.

"Nothing here." Kakashi looked up at the ceiling.

"I'm taking two," Gai announced, forever careful to show that he wasn't cheating.

"Hello," a voice that was most definitely female said from behind, giving me a bit of a start. I turned to see Kurenai standing behind me. She nodded to us. In the lamplight of the otherwise dark room her skin looked so pale and milky, in sharp contrast to her red lips. Gai looked up and smiled a dazzling smile. "Good evening, Kurenai-sensei."

"Hey," she replied. "What are you boys up to this evening?"

"Cards," I said, as if she couldn't tell. I'm brilliant. I really am.

"I can see that," Kurenai nodded. There was an amused sort of glimmer in her crimson eyes. I took a drink of my beer to have an excuse to look away.

"Kurenai," Genma smiled rakishly and held his hand out to her. Oh, it was all over now. This looked like the Danger Smile, here. Watch out. Hell, he even looked good to _me_. All the girls are nuts for Genma, anyway. I supposed Kurenai, too, was only destined to fall prey to his devilish charms. "It's been a while! How have you been?"

Yet Kurenai completely ignored the outstretched hand. "Fine," she answered, her expression blank. Meanwhile, Hayate hacked in the background. I wondered if he was going to cough up a lung.

"Hayate, you sound terrible," she observed.

"I'm fine," Hayate croaked, pulling a tissue out of his pocket.

"If you say so," she mused, looking over my shoulder at the card game. "So, what is this? Sensei Poker Night? Is this something you guys do?"

Kakashi picked through his cards. "Every once in a while."

"Want to join us?" Genma asked, sounding hopeful.

"Oh, no," she said, shaking her head. "That's okay."

"You're perfectly welcome to," Gai chimed in. "There's plenty of room."

"Sure is," Genma added, pulling over a chair and bringing out the Danger Smile again. "You can sit by me. I'll show you my cards."

"No, thanks," Kurenai said, point blank. Hayate coughed and blew his nose.

Gai showed his gleaming grin again. "Well, if you would ever like to join us sometime, Kurenai, we'd love to have you."

Kurenai gave Gai a small smile and a nod. "Thank you. I'll remember that." When she spoke, a corner of her shiny red mouth quirked up, and her cheeks brightened. Gai is right, I thought to myself. She is a rather attractive woman. I can't see anything on her that isn't pleasant, I mean.

"Well." Kurenai was saying. "Ready for your C-ranks, Kakashi? Asuma?"

"I guess." Kakashi replied, leaning his chin on his hand. "Ready as I'll ever be."

"What'll you be doing?" she wanted to know.

"Escort mission." Kakashi looked bored. "Just to Wave Country."

"I see," she nodded.

"Excuse me for just a minute," Genma said, slipping away to the bar.

Curiosity got the better of me. "What's yours?" I asked Kurenai.

"We're going to Matsuya," she answered. "Not an escort, just a message delivery. Courier mission."

"Matsuya? Isn't that in the mountains?" I scratched the back of my neck and looked up at her, concerned. "You sure you want to take that?"

Kurenai drew herself up, her posture defensive. "Are you saying I shouldn't?"

"Well, no, it's just that, won't the trip be rough? It's a long way for genin." I wondered aloud. "It sounds kind of like a challenge…"

She folded her arms and stared down at me. "Of course it will be. How else are they supposed to learn? By eating out every day or something?"

Ouch. I spread my hands. "Okay, okay, just asking."

"I'm sure they'll be fine," Kakashi interjected breezily. "What doesn't kill these kids will only make them stronger, right?"

"I guess," I admitted, taking a slow drink of my beer, which was now lukewarm. Kakashi's choice of words made me feel uncomfortable. The silence was awkward and I wasn't sure what else to do. Was there something I should say? I had no idea.

Kurenai's gaze was coolly civil. "I suppose I'll see you in a week or so, then," she said, nodding to us as she turned to go.

"Good luck!" Gai smiled and gave her a cheery thumbs up.

Kurenai turned back to reply to Gai's remark, but I could feel her eyes on me. "Thanks. But I won't be needing it."

And with a toss of dark hair, she was gone. We watched her go, and then turned back to the table, taken aback.

"Well, that was pleasant," Kakashi quipped.

"What happened?" I asked.

"I think you hit a nerve." Kakashi's eyelid half-lowered in amusement. "Good going."

Genma returned from the bar with another beer for himself and some napkins for Hayate. "Wow," he remarked, with a bit of surprise. "I guess the direct approach doesn't work on her, does it?" I wondered how often it happens that Genma finds a girl who _doesn't_ jump at the chance to hook up with him. Judging from what I've heard and from the dumbfounded look on the poor guy's face, I'd say not often.

Kakashi, however,seemed in high spirits. The card game having apparently ended, he took out his book and opened to a dog-eared page. "No, apparently not," he observed, sagely.

Gai glared at Kakashi's choice of reading material with disgust, then began to collect up the cards. Genma swallowed some of his beer and leaned his arms on the back of the chair. "Better luck next time," he mused, making his senbon toothpick stick up. "You guys work with her. What does she like?"

Gai blinked, unable to answer. Kakashi leered through his mask. "Asuma? You know her best."

"Coffee." I pulled out a cigarette and turned it over in my hand. I had refrained because of Hayate's discomfort, but I guess it felt good to hold one in my hand, even if it wasn't lit. "She likes coffee."

Genma raised an eyebrow. "Oh? Maybe I'll invite her to get coffee sometime then. Thanks, man."

"No prob," I said, pocketing my pack again.

At that moment Hayate started coughing rather violently. "You okay, pal?" Genma asked, slapping him on the back.

Hayate tried to make a response. It sounded something like, _Hack, hackhork_.

I had no idea what _hack, hackhork_ meant, but Genma seemed to. "We had better go," Genma admitted, helping his troubled teammate up. "See you guys around, okay?"

"Right," Gai waved. "Get that man some hot chicken soup or something."

Hayate shook his head feebly. "I'm --_hack--_ fine."

"Bye bye," Kakashi sang out, turning a page and waving over his shoulder.

I lit up and breathed in deep. _Oh thank you, nicotine._

Kakashi spoke up but, didn't look up from his book. "So why'd you tell him that?"

"Tell him what?" I blinked, not understanding his gist.

"That she likes coffee."

"Oh. Heh." I tapped some ash off into the ashtray. "Well… it seemed like he needed all the help he could get," I replied, with a rueful smile.

"Indeed," Gai nodded manfully, his dark eyes sober. "That was very kind of you, Asuma."

"Nahh." I stuffed my hands in my pockets and pushed my chair back from the table with my feet. "I think I'd better be going, too."

"It is getting late," Gai agreed. "Come on, Kakashi. You should stop reading that ridiculous book and try to get a good night's sleep."

"Did you say something?" Kakashi asked, but nevertheless he got up to leave.

I walked outside into the cool night air. "Later, guys."

I could still hear them carrying on their typical banter even as I turned the corner to head towards my place. "Sleep. It's that thing you don't do enough of. And it's necessary for proper health."

"Huh? Is someone talking?"

"Ugh! Kakashi, when will you lose that hip attitude and--"

I smiled to myself and blew a stream of smoke into the air. Gai's chiding voice gradually faded into the distance and then I was alone, my feet crunching in the dead leaves and gravel of the back streets. I could hear the buzz of downtown still, but as I moved farther into the crisscrossing streets of houses and tenements those sounds too were lost, and then it was just me. The night air chilled my ears and my nose. There were heavy clouds moving in from the east. Beyond them, though, the sky was clear and the stars glittered like the sea. I found myself wishing Kurenai was around to see it.

Crap. I pissed her off. Maybe I should explain to her next time I saw her. I honestly didn't mean anything bad. I was just worried they might have trouble. Why did she take a mission that was so difficult? The missions are distributed randomly, she could have declined and asked for a different one if she had wanted to. I've done it before.

I guess I'll just have to trust her judgement.

I walked home looking up at the myriad lights shimmering in the sky and trying not to worry about those black clouds on the horizon. With any luck, the rainy season's first storm would wait a week or two.

* * *

Notes:

This was one of the first things I've written and posted with lots of Gai and Kakashi speaking. I was really afraid of making Gai too over-the-top. I hope he was passionate and emphatic, and yet not too "omg that wacky Gai-sensei!"


	9. freaks: part 1

**freaks (part one)  
**Kurenai

* * *

In the grey light of dawn I met Team 8 at our usual meeting place, a small circular clearing in the forest near our training ground. I had gotten out my vest jacket. Usually it's a little too cumbersome for me, but right now in the chill of dawn I was thankful for the extra weight of the dusky green fabric. It smelled like musty closet, though. Should have washed it. 

"Good morning, team," I greeted them, with a nod to each one.

Kiba and Hinata were seated on a fallen log. Hinata looked a bit sleepy yet, but she appeared to be trying to make an effort for the mission. Despite her milky eyes periodically attempting to droop closed against her will, the girl sat up straight, hands folded tightly in her lap. Akamaru was nestled in the front of Kiba's jacket. The small dog was still dozing. Kiba, his head framed by the shaggy mane of his hood, seemed itching to get going. Either that or the fleas were biting today. Shino stood beside Hinata, stock-still and silent. If anything, Shino definitely is a master of the art of remaining perfectly still. He simply nodded when he saw me. His mouth gave away no hint as to the expression hidden behind his dark glasses.

"We're here," Kiba announced, plaintive voice a little too loud for the distance between us-- as usual. "Will you tell us what our mission is _now_?"

"Of course," I said, keeping my tone smooth. I produced a leather messenger's bag from my pack and showed it to the three. "For our first C-rank mission, we are going to deliver this to the Leaf outpost in Matsuya."

Shino raised an eyebrow. "Matsuya."

"Um, sensei," Hinata raised her hand. "I-isn't Matsuya kind of…"

"Like days away!" Kiba spat. "You told us to pack light!" Opening one eye, Akamaru peeked out from Kiba's coat and barked.

"Two to three days, actually, depending on the weather," I informed them as I put our cargo away for safekeeping.

"Then why…?" Hinata began, and then trailed off, puzzled. "I didn't pack rations…."

Shino inclined his head ever so slightly to the left. "Sensei. You seem to have some reason for not giving more information."

"You're right, Shino, I do." I folded my arms and looked sternly at them. "Listen up, you three. This is your first real mission as adults."

There was silence, even from Akamaru. "This is your first mission in which you will leave the village." I paused, looking out at the dawn on the horizon. "For this mission, you are going to do everything yourselves. I won't be helping you."

Hinata made a small, unintelligible sound of surprise.

"What?" Kiba exclaimed, almost jumping out of his seat. "But you're the TEACHER!"

Shino's eyebrows merely scowled a bit, in scrutiny of what I was getting at.

"You three will have to distribute tasks amongst yourselves. In real life we don't always have the option to pack everything we want. So I have compressed bedrolls, a map, compass, and first-aid in this bag, here," I announced, gesturing to the standard-issue backpack which lay at my feet. "You will hold the map and the compass. You will find all of your own food. You will decide when we stop and where. I'll be there to protect you, and I'll follow your leads. But you will lead the mission and get us to our destination. Not me."

"Up until now," I continued, "You three have picked up trash. You've found lost pets. We cleared paths, we dug a ditch. You had to learn to work together, learn each other. You were safe, performing safe tasks. But now, now the real work begins."

My gaze traveled to the direction in which I knew the stadium lie, unseen in the distance. "You three won't get anywhere in the Chuunin Exams by doing chores. And you won't get anywhere by following my orders all the time. This mission is about…" I turned back to them and trained my eyes on each one in turn. Shino, Hinata, Kiba. My precious students, my first students ever. "…Survival."

Hinata's hand covered her mouth. Shino twitched. Kiba crossed his arms, and huffed. "Survival is fine. We know what to do if you get lost in the woods, Teach. I mean, give us some credit, here."

"I don't just mean that kind of survival, Kiba," I told him, resting my hands on my hips. "I mean survival together."

"Oh! I get it," Kiba laughed and jerked his thumb in Shino's direction. "You mean like how I'm gonna survive with Freaky Bug Freak here, right?"

Shino scowled through his coat collar at Kiba. "Would you care to repeat that?"

"Heh! Oh come on, don't act like you've never heard that one before. I know about what everyone calls you," Kiba jeered, looking up at Shino over Hinata's sleek head. "Bug Freak. Cockroach Boy."

Shino said nothing but his stance became wider, ready for attack if need be. "Kiba," I began, in a warning tone.

Kiba ignored me and kept right on talking. He folded his arms behind his head and closed his eyes, with an air of superiority. "Man, when I found out what team I was assigned to, I just didn't know what to think. Me, on a team with two freaks."

Hinata blinked, shocked. "Kiba-kun!"

"Well, sorry, Hinata," the boy backtracked, showing a trace of apology, "But your eyes do make you look pretty weird. They're creepy. At first, I thought you were blind or somethin'."

Hinata looked down at her toes, her shoulders slumped. Shino moved a step closer, removing his fists from his pockets. I heard him mutter in reply, "She sees more than you do, you imbecile."

"Shut up, Buggy Bug. Bug Freak." Kiba snapped.

I found it highly ironic that my little werewolf was calling _other _people names. "Kiba," I broke in, trying to hide any amusement I was feeling, "the fact of the matter is, you're _all_ freaks."

Kiba, still turned to face Shino, darted his eyes towards me. "I am _not!_"

Hinata's mouth had dropped open, her gaze reproachful.

"Kiba. You've got claws. You howl. You transform. You're a freak." I inclined my head towards him. "That's why I chose you. I _wanted_ you." I paused to unfold my arms and stuff my hands in my pockets. "Because I'm a freak, too."

At that point-- perhaps in retaliation-- Kiba snickered something that sounded an awful lot like, "…yeah, only teacher with boobs."

I turned on him quick as a flash. "Yeah, I _am_ the only teacher with boobs. Do you have a problem with that?" I snapped.

"No! No, not at all." The dog-boy cowered under my gaze. If he had a tail, it would have definitely been tucked between his legs. "Your boobs are okay with me. I mean! It's okay that you have them. They're nice and all. Er--"

At this point Hinata's eyes were wide in surprise, as though she were having trouble believing the conversation was taking place. I could understand her confusion, I suppose. Weren't these things normally supposed to be kept hush-hush? Shino, however, slid his hands back into his pockets and took a seat on the log beside Hinata. He leaned forward as though mildly interested in where the conversation was going. I suppose it was amusing, yeah.

"It's okay, Kiba." I offered, graciously allowing him off the hook--this time anyway. "I'm glad it's all right with you." I had scared him enough, I guessed. But I've got to admit it was difficult to suppress the urge to tease him a bit about the blush that was beginning to rise to his cheeks. Perhaps I am developing a sense of humor these days. Maybe it's being around these three that's doing it?

Relieved of the burden of having to make some sense out of his feelings about teachers with boobs, the boy (and the puppy in his jacket) grinned sheepishly up at me. "A-Actually, sensei…" he admitted, scratching Akamaru's head, "your eyes are pretty freaky."

"Think so?" I asked, now relaxing near them on the ground.

"I think they're beautiful," Hinata murmured, gazing up at me. The dismay in her expression at the earlier comments had been repaired and now she seemed like she was comfortable again."They suit you."

I gave her a nod. "Thanks."

"But why it is that you say that you wanted us? It sounds as though there was a specific reason for the choice." Shino spoke up. Hinata looked from her bespectacled teammate to me and nodded, wanting an answer.

"Because," I told him, "You three are strange and unique. You are the dark horses of your graduating class, the unknown variables. Not many people really know or understand what you are capable of. Because of your bloodlines and families, you three each have a special gift. You have very specific skills that none of the others have. If you hone them, and learn how to use them together, I believe you will become an unstoppable team."

They looked at each other, wondering about what I was saying. I thought of the first day they had shown me what they could do on the training field. I remembered looking from a swarm of writhing kikai bugs devouring one training dummy, to another ripped and maimed with feral claws, and the last marked where a human's vital points would be, burned with bursts of cold chakra with a surgeon's precision. _My god_, I remember thinking to myself, astonished, gleeful. _They're killing machines._

I continued, recalling that pride I had in them from the start. These are the kids I chose. The kids I would give my life for, the kids I would wager everything I had on. They are the ones who will succeed. "No one else has what you three have. There are going to be people who don't understand you, or are afraid of you. But you can learn to use that to your advantage." I paused and smiled slowly, relishing the thought of what they might be able to do in the Forest of Death. "Your clans have developed your family's skills to help them survive, through the years. Now you must learn how to use them to help _each other_ survive."

I moved forward, closing the distance between us. _We are alike, you and I_. "That's just what freaks like us have to do."

"Sensei." Hinata said quietly, solemn. Her hands folded and unfolded in her lap.

"Yes, Hinata?" I answered.

"I think I understand, what you mean." She looked from Kiba and Akamaru, to Shino and then to me. "B-but, can we—"

"Hell yeah we can," Kiba blurted out, beating the air with a fist. "We're gonna kick major ass! Just you wait!"

Hinata's lips spread, hope crossing her wan features. She turned to Shino and he tilted his head as in agreement.

"But," Hinata continued, turning back to me. "I never thought of you as… as…"

"A freak?" I chuckled inwardly at her hesitation to use the word. "Well, most of the name calling stopped over time."

"Probably cause of the boobs," Kiba added. He had to duck right after that as my kunai went whizzing past his ear.

"Actually," I went on as if nothing had just happened, "I just kept studying hard and working hard, and I learned to overcome it. Eventually it didn't bother me anymore."

"Tell us more about it someday," Hinata requested, her colorless eyes eager.

"If you want, I guess." I agreed, pressing my lips together in thought. "One day."

Shino seemed pleased, and decided to take the opportunity to ask a question. "Your family… is an offshoot of Uchiha and Hyuuga, is it not?"

I nodded assent. "Yes. Somewhere way, way back." A rueful smile played at my lips. "Far back enough that we're not important."

"Then that explains your talent for genjutsu," Shino observed. "It's very unusual."

"So your eyes, can you do freaky stuff with them?" Kiba wanted to know. "Like mess with people's minds? Can you fry my brain?"

I looked at him and widened my eyes, feeling the pupils dilate. "Would you like to know?" I asked, lowering my voice a bit for eerie effect.

"N-n-no, that's okay," Kiba stammered, waving his hands in refusal.

I felt a dark smile tug at the corners of my mouth. "Too bad."

By sunset of our first day out of Konoha, we had made excellent progress. We were about halfway to Matsuya, our destination. Matsuya is a small village in which Leaf maintains an outpost, hidden in the mountains on the northern border of the Fire Country. From the high vantage point it is easy to monitor activity on the borders where Fire Country meets with Grass, Rain, and Waterfall Villages' territories, and beyond that, Earth Country. I was looking forward to arriving and delivering our message safely-- and enjoying a rest at one of the village's cozy inns. I thanked the Third Hokage mentally for the substantial allowance he had given us for lodging.

The kids had followed along with admirable speed. The feeling of flying through the treetops seemed to agree well with them. I felt pleased that they enjoyed it like I did. In the lead, Kiba and Akamaru were in high spirits, non-stop yips and hollers. Hinata quietly took in the scenery, her arms extending from her sides like timid wings. Shino said nothing as we traveled, nor did he make any sound, but from him you could feel an electric sort of sensation. I believed the boy was actually enjoying himself.

The two boys took turns carrying the pack. I could have done it but I felt they needed work on pacing themselves. As the day wore on I was interested to note that Shino showed signs of tiring first. He was now in the rear position, trailing Hinata by a long leap or two. Hinata was behind me. She was breathing in short audible gasps, yet she kept pace despite this. Akamaru's tail began to droop as the sun began to set. When we arrived at the crossing of a small creek, the dog came to a halt. He barked something to his master. Kiba nodded as if he could understand the small dog.

"Okay, we stop for the day now. I'm hungry," Kiba commanded, and he let himself fall through the green leaves below, dropping to earth. Akamaru whined and followed. Kiba had taken over the role of leader quickly, as was obvious. He hadn't quite gotten the part about consulting the other team members yet though. He had completely forgotten to take rest breaks or check the pace of the other members. Communication was definitely going to require some work with these three.

I nodded and motioned to Hinata and Shino, who halted as they reached my position. "W-wha-t is it?" Hinata panted.

"Kiba has decided we should rest for now," I informed them. Shino gave a slight nod, then leapt down from branch to branch. Hinata took a bit longer, carefully picking her way downward.

"Come ON guys," Kiba yelled up to us from far below, insistent. "I said we're stopping! Hinata, hurry it up, we ain't got all day."

"S-sorry," was the girl's reply.

I was amused. Kiba was following my orders eagerly. Perhaps, I noted with a rueful smile, a little too eagerly. I guessed I would leave them to finding some food for the time being while I scouted the area.

I leapt up to the treetops, finding a perch on the tallest tree I could find, and scanned the surroundings. The air was light and crisp, and any sound would be easily heard if there were anything in the area. I saw nothing to be wary of. Simply the soft, cloudy green treetops, and the sound of the nearby stream. The sun was melting into a golden sunset, the color of butterscotch. I sat down on the tree's limb and leaned against the trunk.

There were days long ago when all I knew to do was climb a tree and hide.

Some people wish that they could go back to their childhood. I never do. I couldn't wait to get out of it. I don't understand that sentiment. Maybe that's what's wrong with me. Who knows?

I always felt left out. The other kids were interested in different things than I was. They liked to run around and play dumb ball games and make as much noise as possible. I liked quiet. I liked to read and study. When I knew more than them in class, it built animosity between us. When I passed the point of just knowing more than them and began to be impatient for them to catch up, things got even worse. I had no idea how to deal with them, how to relate. So I hid from it all.

I hated being a kid. I hated being told that I was just a child. I hated that adults had different rules than kids. I hated being told my people that I should go out and play when I knew there was so much about the world that I had yet to learn. I hated my classmates and their slowness to grasp new concepts. If they would just hurry up and _get it_, we could move on already! I hated their complaining and I hated the way they liked acting like babies. I especially despised their inane, relentless teasing of anyone who was different, even in a small way.

I didn't have it the worst, of course, but I did get teased about my eyes a bit. I was quiet and didn't like to talk much, which led to more teasing. I never knew what to say when they pestered me. I never knew what they wanted me to say. I spent a lot of time afraid of being talked to. It didn't help when I developed faster than the other girls my age either. The girls acted like they hated me and the boys harassed me. I was alone most of the time. Lots of books, lots of stuffed animals. Not many friends.

I looked forward to a magical day in which I would be an adult and no longer a gawky teenager with plastic reading glasses and boobs that seemed out of place on my body because of my small height. I believed that on that day, my problems would all go away and life would be easy and normal. I was sure that if only I was an adult, it would be easy to find friends whom I had something in common with.

And here I am, just as alone at 27 as I was at 10. I guess I never learned, huh?

Breaking my thoughts, a flock of wild geese passed overhead in their v-shaped formation. Their calls sounded lonely, mournful. I wrapped my vest closer around myself. The air was starting to get chilly. I wondered what was going on back at the village. I figured it was exactly the same as always. There was no one at home to miss me.

When my father had been away on missions everything felt dead. It was like a breath held, held inside until you were sure he would come back safe and alive. Until his shadow appeared, walking on the path towards our house, no one could rest. But when he raised his head and waved to us… everyone let that breath go, and it was all normal again.

I had always figured it must have been hard for him to fully perform his duties on missions knowing that he had a wife and kids waiting for him at home. I always felt like it made no sense to marry and start a family in such a high-risk career.

On the other hand… perhaps it was nice to know there was someone waiting for him to come home? Someone to miss, while you were away.

The familiar image of Kakashi standing before his old friend's grave came to mind. A shot from behind, the lines under that one exposed eye so tired. I also thought of Gai and his energy, and his brilliant smile. His habit of training at dawn. Long before anyone else is even coherent he's wide awake and facing the day with gusto. I thought of Anko, guzzling down beer and eating all the food in sight, all the while keeping the conversation rapid and the insults sharp.

Who did they miss? Who missed them?

I remembered Asuma from Friday night, and his horrible hand of poker cards. All mixed up: two, five, seven, three, and the Queen of Hearts on top, like one queen was going to do him any good. He had looked so puzzled, shuffling them around as if he might magically be able to make something useful out of them by changing the order. It was kind of… well, I don't know. Funny. Endearing?

At least I had thought so for a moment. And then he had gone and—

"SENSEI!" Kiba bellowed from below, cutting my reverie short. "Dinner!"

I shook my head. Best to put aside those thoughts for now. It was time to enjoy work. I slipped down through the trees with my pack, relishing the sensation of falling. The twist in my stomach as I dropped through the air, the rise of adrenaline, that tiny taste of fear and the unknown made me feel excited, awake. Green needles grazed my arms as I descended, their scent tickling my nose. A familiar smell, the smell of how many winters before… I liked it. I've always liked the smell of trees.

Below, Kiba was tending a fire at which five or six trout were roasting, suspended on sticks. Shino was studying the map, engrossed in thought. Hinata was busy trying to keep Akamaru away from the roasting fish. They all looked up when I alighted nearby.

"How are we doing?" I asked. "I see you've found food all right." The fish looked nicely toasted. The smell was pretty appealing after the day's long journey. Beside the fire were a pile of ration bars and some nuts and berries it looked like the kids had collected. "Looks good."

"It's ready, I think," Hinata ventured, checking the color of the fish.

"It was ready when we caught it," Kiba grumped, helping himself to two fish. "This way it just took longer."

Akamaru barked and leapt away from Hinata, joyfully wagging not just his tail, but his entire behind. The puppy pounced on the ground around his master, front paws dancing.

"Sit down," Kiba ordered. "Siiiit. Good." He waved a fish around a bit to cool it, then broke off some of the meat for the small white dog. "Okay, eat up."

Shino nibbled at his fish. To do so he had to undo his jacket collar, and he seemed kind of shy of doing so. It made me feel inwardly amused to see his face and some evidence of emotion. He's a good-looking boy, you know. If the next few years are kind to him, he'll be beating off the girls with a stick-- Konoha girls like the silent type. But for now he's just a kid with unruly, uncontrollable hair, skinny legs and a voice that seems too deep for his years. Sometimes—possibly because of the stern upbringing he's come from, or possibly because of the fact that he hosts a colony of lives that depend on him, it's easy to forget that Shino is still a kid.

Shino looked up and noticed me watching him. I wanted to ask the boy how he was feeling, but wasn't sure how to. He returned my gaze, then cocked his head to the side and nodded to me. I supposed that was his way of saying he would be all right. Somehow Shino often seems aware of what I'm thinking even without spoken words.

Hinata was watching Shino as well. Pearly eyes traced the boy's features, taking in every detail. I wondered, watching her, what Hinata sees when she looks at us. Her muted eyes reflected nothing, not even the firelight. Shino's condition after today's journey was worrying her, I could see. The girl's expression showed a trace of concern, but she did not give voice to her thoughts.

Hinata is going to be a good mother someday, I thought, noticing how she was wise enough not to point out that the boy seemed flagged. It would just bother him if she mentioned it, and she knew this. I like Hinata because she has that kind of insight.

Kiba was chewing on a fishbone, the tail dangling at the end like a tiny flag. He leaned back against a tree and let out a satisfied burp. This earned him a bespectacled glare from Shino but he did not notice nor care. This is a child one hundred percent free of the burden of worrying about others' unspoken thoughts and attitudes. He laughed at nothing, tilted his head back to gaze up at the sky. Akamaru, belly full, stumbled over to his master's lap. Without dropping his eyes from the sky, the boy reached down to scoop the puppy up and cradle him in a fold of down jacket.

It was quiet except for the crackling of the campfire. Kiba stroked the little dog absently, his eyes far away and dreamy. It's easy to think Kiba is just a trash-talking punk, all teeth and claws. That is, until you see him rocking his puppy to sleep. The stars twinkled down from the sky, and I thought I saw the boy smiling back at them. He hummed a little tune to himself, twirling the fishbone in his teeth.

I smiled softly and nodded to Kiba. "He's a good dog," I said, keeping my voice low so as not to disturb Akamaru.

Kiba rested his chin on the small dog's smooth head, arms wrapped around his body. His voice was faraway. "He's the best."

Hinata was collecting the fishbones and ration bar wrappers into a small pile. "He worked hard today. A-and you too, Kiba-kun. And Shino-kun," she added, ever careful to keep the balance even between her teammates.

Kiba petted Akamaru. "Yeah," was all the boy said in reply.

I took out the bedrolls I had packed for us, releasing the air seal until they expanded into sleeping bags. "Why don't we get some sleep soon," I suggested, rummaging around for my sweater in my bag. "Make sure you do your stretches before bed or you'll be sore tomorrow..."

Warm sweatshirt on, hood up, teeth brushed, I was ready for some rest. I arranged myself at the foot of the big pine tree, pulling my sleeping bag up over my head to keep warm. What happened next, I was totally unprepared for in all my years of studying, though.

I felt weight rest against my left side. Startled, I pulled the sleeping bag away from my face to see just what was going on. Beside me, Hinata was wrapped in her sleeping bag as I was, huddling close to me. Kiba plopped himself down on my right side, and did the same. There were two kids cuddling me-- me!-- for warmth. Why? Was this usual behavior among their age group? To be perfectly honest, I was frozen to the spot. It was such a strange feeling. I found myself thinking of the first time I had held a baby for some reason. All I could do was blink in surprise at the sensation of their warmth and weight resting against me.

I sat there staring up at the moon, unsure what to say. Nearby the water of the creek gurgled and chattered away. The wind blew, chilling now that the campfire had been extinguished. The needles of the trees above whispered with a lonely sound. Someone sniffed and Akamaru let out a long whine.

"Hey." Kiba spoke out all of a sudden, disrupting the forest sounds. "Hey, Bug Freak."

Thus addressed, Shino made no response. The shift of a sleeping bag was audible from somewhere a few meters away.

"Buggy Bug."

More silence.

"Freaky Bu-"

I let the Inuzuka have some of my elbow. "That's enough, Kiba. Stop it."

"Why're you all the way over there?" the chastised dog-boy asked aloud.

I heard Shino clear his throat. "I'm fine... here, actually," came his reply, his voice thick. I had actually been wondering, too-- but I figured it wasn't really my place to ask. Perhaps Shino's teammates understood something I didn't.

"Shino-kun," Hinata's feathery voice echoed in the small clearing. "Come be by us."

Kiba was less gentle. "Get your ass over here already! It's gonna get cold and we need you, bugs or no bugs."

There was no answer. "Shino-kun? Please?" Hinata repeated her request.

"Don't make me come over there," warned Kiba, who was already starting to unzip his sleeping bag anyway.

And thus Aburame Shino was persuaded-- with the help of a shove or two from Kiba-- to join us for the night's rest. The four of us huddled close together, our heads hooded by sleeping bags. I couldn't see their faces in the dark. It felt peaceful though, being together like this. Akamaru made happy little puppy grunts. I could feel Kiba fidgeting, hear Hinata sigh happily as we settled together. Shino made no sound but as he rested against us, I got the impression that perhaps he was feeling a mix of things he didn't want to address. He did not speak, just zipped his bag closed and his head was hidden inside. I have to admit, I'm quite curious about what goes through that boy's mind.

"Hinata. Teach." Kiba whispered presently, too loud. "You warm enough?"

"Uh-huh," came a yawn from Hinata's direction.

I couldn't help feeling a little amused at his question. "I'm fine, Kiba, thanks."

"'Kay. Just makin' sure. You know." He wiggled closer in our direction.

"Goodnight, Kiba."

"'Night, sensei."

* * *

**Author's Notes **

In response to "Theif of the Sand"'s comment: I'm not sure where you read that Kurenai and Asuma were friends since childhood or that Kurenai likes roses, the Naruto manga or info books don't say anything about that. Perhaps you read this in an rp, a webpage, or another fanfic? Both could be true but I'm going only on what the manga tells me. They're the same age and graduated in the same year from the academy but after that their years for becoming chuunin and jounin are very different, and no more info is given. Anyway, for this story I'm writing from the standpoint that they didn't know each other well-- there are a lot of nameless chuunin and jounin adults, they grew up in wartime and I'm assuming the population used to be much bigger (because a lot of people died apparently, and the current population of Konoha, which is pretty large, is what's left after war & kyuubi's havoc-wreaking).


	10. freaks: part 2

**freaks (part two)  
**Kurenai

* * *

Dark clouds had rolled in and there was now icy sleet pounding down on us as we picked our way slowly up the mountain trail. The rock surface was quite slippery and difficult to manage. I wiped the dripping water out of my eyes and peered up the face of the mountain ahead. It had to be another two hours or more before we arrived. Visibility was very poor and it was getting late in the afternoon. The only thing that was sure to come was a harder go as the temperature dropped. I couldn't see the village yet and I had to admit I was getting concerned. This weather taken into account, the difficulty was a little too much for the team at this level. I didn't want to admit it, but perhaps Asuma had been right. 

Kiba and Akamaru were flagged by now after the long climb. However, the two were proceeding gradually ahead. Shino, his head hooded from the slush falling from the sky, looked pale as a ghost. He was moving in short spurts of energy, stopping for a rest every now and then. His lips had turned a disturbing shade of purple. Despite this he was pushing on hard.

Hinata was not doing well. She had tired out quite a while ago and it seemed that she had burned up any extra energy reserves she had. I turned to watch her stumble yet again on the slippery rocks. I stopped and waited, standing back.

The girl's dark head wasn't rising.

Akamaru gave a sharp bark, signaling his master. Both boys stopped and looked back. "Hinata!"

Kiba picked his way across the jagged rocks to where his teammate lay. "Come on, Hinata, I'll carry you."

"No," I said firmly, stepping in. I held his arm back. "Don't."

"Are you gonna carry her then?" the boy snapped back at me, fangs bared and voice hoarse. His red streaked cheeks glared angrily against the pallor of his face in the cold. "Lookit her, she can't handle this."

Shino hung back, hesitant. His brow knitted as if he wanted to say something, and then relaxed again as he decided against it. His shoulders gave away the tension he was feeling. He stood back, observing the three of us closely.

"She can't do it. We should help her," Kiba was accusing me.

"I _am_ helping her," I replied, coolly. _Even if it doesn't look like it. Or feel like it._ I turned to where the girl lay on the path. "Hinata, get up."

Hinata's shoulders were trembling, but with her head lowered we weren't able to see her facial expression.

"Hinata," I repeated, "Get up." I tried to keep my voice firm and grave. Yet in the pit of my stomach I could definitely feel a gnaw of worry beginning to grow. Hinata had said at the beginning that she was choosing this path for herself. Was she really able to take it? Were my methods wrong? What if I was making a mistake? After all, I'm a rookie teacher with training that was hardly adequate for a task as complex as making three adolescent kids into a team of adult shinobi. Maybe... maybe Asuma had been right.

I felt sorry to see her having difficulties. I felt sympathy for her. I wanted to help her up and give her a hug, dust her off. I mean, I've seen bits of her homelife. Of course I wanted to shelter her a little and give her the extra things that she doesn't get at home. I knew that she was timid and gentle and at times pretty weak. That's just the way she is.

But at the same time, combat doesn't make room for those kinds of things. The enemy doesn't stop and say, "Oh, you have a hard time with pressure? Your parents screwed you up? How sad, I'm sorry." And therefore I don't think I'd be a very good teacher if I made excuses for them. There are no coddled babies, no precious princesses in battle. And my job description is to prepare these new genin for combat. So this is the way it's got to be. I will stand back and watch this young soldier, and she must push herself to her limits. And beyond.

So I watched. I wanted to give her some kind words, but teachers aren't there to cheer their pupils on in battle. She has to find her own words for herself. I had to keep mine inside. But I can honestly say that I wished I could explain to her in that moment what was going through my mind and why.

"Come on, Hinata."

_Someday there will come a day in which you fall and no one will be there to help you back up. No one will be able to carry you. You must be able to stand up with your own will. There will come a day soon in which I won't be able to help you. Please understand. Please get up. _

Hinata struggled to raise her head, pushing herself up with shaky arms. Tears slipped down her pallid cheeks. Her face was dirty, her brow knitted with effort. Akamaru barked and danced about in front of her, as though trying to urge her on. Kiba and Shino looked on. Kiba looked guilty, Shino perhaps uncomfortable-- I couldn't really tell. In any case, neither boy said a word, and neither did I. I don't think we knew what to say. Perhaps this was just a moment for the small white-eyed girl before us.

That very girl brought herself to her feet and gave a long hiccupping sob. She wiped her eyes with her hands and raised her head. Biting her lip, she looked hard at the ground, tried to hold back another sob.

"Okay," was all she said, her eyebrows furrowed and her eyes sharp and clear. "L-let's go."

"You did it." I told her. "Well done, Hinata."

Hinata simply nodded, and hiccupped. Together we continued on, struggling our way up the mountain together.

There are times in life when going on really hurts. But we must go on if we are to ever get through the pain and get to what is on the other side.

In my father's study there used to hang a scroll with these words written in scrawled messy characters: "If ye do it, it will be. If ye do not do it, it will not be. Thus with all matters." I used to feel irritated by it, wonder why he had it hanging on the wall. I mean, why bother putting into words such an obvious concept? I thought it was a silly thing to bother writing on a scroll and hanging up. The repetition of the same idea in the negative and then especially the final line seemed so extraneous. In my most teenage of moments I remember thinking back at it, "Well, duh." My mother, always matter-of-fact, was fond of putting the same idea in a much more concise manner. "If you want to get something done, you've got to do it yourself." I found her direct way of saying the same thing much more attractive.

As I became an adult I began to understand in a much more real way exactly what those three lines on my father's wall truly meant. It didn't just apply to whether or not my homework was done or my room was cleaned-- which was the type of situation in which my mother tended to use it. It applied to my own character as well, my own sense of self. What I had the ability to do and try. If I wanted to get stronger, become a more mature person, learn more, have more courage, be something other than what I was now-- I had to do it myself. No one could give those things to me, and I certainly wouldn't stumble across them in the middle of the road. If I don't do it, it will not be.

When I moved out of adolesence and began to struggle more with life in general, it finally made sense why the original author of the homily added the last line. I started to see for myself as . It is easy to see how the idea applies to everyday things such as chores and homework-- but I had to remember that it really was the same way with all things, even the sort of things we cannot see or hold. It was harder to motivate myself to strive for those intangible things. I needed reminding. Maybe... maybe my father did, too.

Many, many times through my years of growing up it has been that same lesson that I have had to learn over and over again. If you want something, it won't come to you. You have to act and make it happen. It took me a long time to make my goals happen, but I did it. And perhaps, perhaps I can pass that on to the students I work with.

That night, up to our chins in hot bathwater, Hinata and I sat in awkward silence.

Due to the rough weather and off-season there were few holidaymakers staying at the inn, and we had the large bath all to ourselves. We sat side by side on gray stone tiles, facing a colorful mural of rustic mountain scenery. It was quiet, but not in a relaxing sort of way. The mood felt strained and an unpalpable tension was hanging in the air. She wasn't speaking. She had not said a word to me since that scene we had earlier on the mountain path. Her expression was unreadable, those blank eyes kept lowered from view.

The water trickling over the sides of the bath into the drains echoed in the small room and filled my ears. From the men's bath in the next room we could hear the echo of puppy barks and running feet. Periodically one of the taps gave a loud drip. I didn't try to make small talk. I understood if the girl didn't feel like talking. I was wondering what she was thinking about, staring at the water as intently as she was. What does she see?

But best not to push, I supposed. I lay my head back on the smooth stones of the bath's edge and willed the day's troubles to soak away. The water was near-scalding and milky blue with minerals from some hot spring. The sign at the inn's desk had said something about the water's special health benefits, including being good for headaches, stomach problems, and softer skin. Probably absolute bull, but it did feel rather nice on my tired shoulders. All I needed was a massage and a lot of alcohol and I'd be ready for the best night's sleep ever.

Mmm. Massage. From hot beefy guy--

"S-sensei."

Ahem. My eyes blinked open and I tried to forget that last thought. She hadn't heard me, right? Right. Composure, Kurenai. "Yes, Hinata?"

"Thank you." Hinata said, simply, colorless eyes downcast. "For today."

"There's nothing to thank me for. You did it yourself." I stretched my toes, letting the heat sink into the muscles. Ah, bliss.

"That's why," the girl replied pointedly, glancing up at me through her thick lashes. "Thank you."

Getting her gist, I nodded. "Understood. You're welcome."

This exchanged, we fell again into silence, this time relieved rather than uneasy. So she had been able to understand what I was trying to teach her. I was very pleased, tickled actually. _Excellent work, my little freak. You are well on the way to becoming a real kunoichi. Now go and wreak havoc in the chuunin exams!_

Almost as if in response to my mental glee, Hinata gave me a shy smile and sniffed. She rested her head against the stone tiles and let out a yawn. The leaky tap gave a loud drip. Next door there was a loud splash and a lot of yipping.

"Sensei," Hinata said presently, her voice soft. "I want to be stronger. Like you."

"I'm not strong," I confessed, embarrassed. "I just barely made jounin."

"No," she disagreed, shaking her head emphatically. "I don't think so. You... when you speak, it shows. When you walk. I-I want to be more like that."

"Confidence? Mine is more of a front than anything else," I remarked. "Really, I'm always worrying about what other people are thinking of me." It's true, I have grown up somehow to be much too self-conscious. I hold my pride very dear, as my mother used to say about me.

"But," I continued, trying to explain something I hadn't ever had the need to verbalize to another person before, "...but when I really want strength, it comes from inside."

Hinata was listening closely, intent on my every word. "Inside."

I nodded, making an effort to choose my words carefully. "I concentrate on what I truly want, what is truly important to me. What I think I truly am. And I find it there."

It is buried inside me. I can feel that place, deepest in my soul, where the tiny piece that is most truly me resides. It is a pearl, white and pure and shining in the darkness that is me. It is what I want to become, my dreams and hopes and what I believe in. When I close my eyes and find that center, I feel stronger. Focused.

Hinata's dark head bobbed in response. Her expression was transfixed.

"Yes." I gazed down at the young Hyuuga, hoping that somehow she would understand all of what I wanted to say to her. "Strength is something that no one else can give you. You have to give it to yourself, and you have to work for it."

"I don't know if I can," she began. "But I want to. I think."

I shook my head. "If you talk to yourself like that, it won't happen. You're sabotaging yourself. You have to tell yourself you can, and tell yourself that you _will_, no matter what it takes. Or you won't be able to do it. Trust me, here, I'm speaking from experience." I gave a rueful wince. "You can do it, Hinata. But you have to tell yourself that."

"I see," she replied, swallowing. Is it possible for a person to look brave and uncertain at the same time? "I'll do my best."

"Good." I agreed. "that's good."

We sat in quiet accord for a while. The tap dripped with a loud ker-plunk. "Hinata," I said at length.

"Yes, Sensei?"

I offered her a smile. "I was proud of you today."

Perhaps it was the hot water, perhaps it was a trick of the dim light, but it appeared to me that the girl blushed happily in response. "T-thanks."

I let out a long sigh. Hinata would be okay. I would be okay. Kiba would bathe. (Cue barking and shouting from next door.) Everything, I was sure, would work out. It would be tough, it would hurt sometimes, but it would work out somehow. For all of us.

The rest of that journey went by quickly. Our message had already been delivered and exchanged for another to bring back to Konoha with us, so our work was all done. That night we ate a big dinner, slept all together in a big room. The journey home was rough, but the kids pulled through successfully and I felt indeed that survival together was going to be this team's strong point.

In two days time we were back village gates again, and not a moment too soon. It was very late at night when we arrived. I was exhausted and definitely had had enough of Kiba's rather authoritative method of self-imposed leadership. Yet foolishly I had promised not to interrupt-- meaning I had rendered myself unable to intervene. Good one, rookie teacher. The barking and nagging, and the buzzing of bugs in reply to said barking and nagging, had resulted in a major headache for me. I dismissed the team that night in what had to have been record time, leaving the post-mission review for another day when we were all more agreeable. I was in no mood for it and I had paperwork to file anyway.

I found the streets of the village dark and damp. The effect of this time of year is generally bleak in my opinion anyway-- soggy and dismal. Typhoons and thunderstorms are frequent and despite the daytime's warm wetness, it's chilly in the evenings. I usually find myself hoping summer will hurry on its way. The humid air hung heavily in the empty streets. The ground was wet and slippery with fresh mud from recent rain.

I was glad for my leggings and vest. My nose felt a little runny and I sniffed. Miserable weather. I was looking forward to finishing up and then getting home as soon as possible. After the journey home, my hair was dirty and my skin felt grubby. A good scrub would feel great. I rubbed my neck and sighed. God, those kids could really test my nerves sometimes.

Holding my paperwork tight against the tugging of the wind, I rounded the corner of the main headquarters building and prepared for my customary dash across the grass and up the front steps. Out of the corner of my eye a movement caught my attention and I halted, wary. My hand was on my kunai holster in an instant.

Someone was there, moving in the dark. Scrutinizing the shadows, I made out a large frame and the firefly point of a cigarette. Then with a languid exhale of smoke, the figure stepped into the dim yellow patch of streetlight glow.

"Hey." Hand raised in a casual greeting, Asuma was walking in my direction. I almost returned his greeting, glad to see a familiar face. Then I remembered Friday night and changed my mind.

My eyes narrowed just thinking about it. Standing in front of a table full of Konoha's elite shinobi-- people I've looked up to for years!-- is nothing to be sneezed at. I mean, Gekkou Hayate, Shiranui Genma, Hatake Kakashi, Maito Gai, Sarutobi Asuma-- just a handful of some of our most well-known, well-respected jounin. And all of them were looking at me standing there on the sidelines, not really one of the group. And then, then when I had told them about my mission, Asuma had questioned my ability in front of everyone. He had implied it was too much for me to handle.

I had thought maybe I could trust him. Maybe. He was agreeable to be with and all. I had thought we could even become friends. But saying something like that-- in front of all of the people watching in that room-- that was something I definitely didn't appreciate.

So I'm female. So it took me longer to make jounin. So what! I'm a jounin now, just like them. If they want to test me, bring it on in a fair fight. I'm up to the challenge. But being verbally doubted or insulted or treated like I'm less able than they are is something I'm not going to stand for, thank you very much.

I could still feel the anger I had felt that night in my stomach, tight and bitter.

_You can patronize someone else. I'm not your little girl to protect and I won't be your mascot. I don't need your help. I'm a teacher just as much as you all are. I'm just newer. That's all._ _Just watch. I'll show you all. _

I steeled myself and put on my coolest, calmest expression. Continuing my stride towards him, I gave a curt nod.

"Kurenai," he replied, with a puff of smoke. "Glad to see you."

I blinked, taken aback. "Asuma." Was he really? And for that matter--

"What on _earth_ happened to you?"

As I neared the light were he was standing, I could plainly see a large white stripe of some sort down his face, from his forehead over the left eye down to his scruffy beard. His hair was full of chunks of white matter, and what was more, his right arm was in a sling. Large wounds or something were covering his clothes, big slashes and patches of brown.

"Paint. It's just paint," he assured me, waving it away with his left hand. "Don't worry."

"I wasn't worried," I corrected him quickly, remembering my ire. I shifted my gaze to the head office, trying to be terse. Just paint? For a moment there, I had seriously thought he had been in some sort of bizarre dogfight.

He blinked and looked down at me curiously. "Er. Right."

At that choicest of moments the wind picked up and blew my papers out of my grasp. _Shit._ God, what an idiot I must seem. Walking into doors, spilling paperwork in the street. Might as well call me Dopey-sensei and get it over with. I fumbled and groped after them.

Asuma snatched three out of the air, lunging forward to grab one more just before it hit a murky puddle. Left-handed even, the man's speed was remarkable. I found myself gaping, clutching the two sheets I had managed to get in my sweaty hands. He straightened again with a groan of effort and gave me the papers with an embarrassed smile. "Here."

"Thank you," I managed, humbled. I collected them from his paint-stained fingers. Asuma's hands are big, especially compared to mine. His knuckles are battered and calloused from years of battle. The crusty white and brown pigment now caked in the cracks made the lines stand out all the more. Even the bracelet he wore on that hand had a big splotch of paint on it. My eyes stayed on his hand as it moved away again, drawing back to rub his face. His dark eyes were bleary, tired lines showing on his lower eyelids and at the corners. He looked drained.

Our eyes met briefly, and I realized that I was staring at his face. I hastily dropped my gaze. "Well." I said, stacking the papers neatly again and shuffling them into order. "Well. I have paperwork to file. So."

"Okay. See you." He seemed troubled or disappointed for some reason. Definitely not his usual carefree self, anyway. Without another word, he waved a little with his left hand and turned to go.

For some reason, I found myself looking up at the sky. The stars were brilliant, sparkling down at me. But the otherwise dark street wasn't exactly a comfortable place to be with the cold wind and wet puddles. I didn't like the way I felt. Something in my chest felt sour. I had the feeling I had done something wrong, but what it was or how to fix it was beyond me. There was so much I didn't understand yet. There is so much I don't understand about myself.

"Asuma," I called after him, without thinking. The clear sound of my own voice in the night air surprised even myself.

"Yeah?" he replied with a grunt.

"What were you doing here so late at night?" I wondered. I walked a few steps in his direction, closing the distance between us. "You finished your mission, right?"

Pausing in his tracks, he turned to look at me over his shoulder. "Huh? Yeah, finished when it got dark." His tone of voice was strained and hard to read.

I pushed a windblown lock of hair out of my eyes as I stared up at him, puzzled. "Then, shouldn't you be at home resting?"

Asuma scratched his head, making paint flakes scatter, and turned back to face me. It was difficult to make out his expression in the dim light. The orange flame of his cigarette glowed as he breathed in, like hot coals in a furnace. He blew a thin trail of smoke skyward and shifted his arm in the sling. "I heard that scouts spotted your team about two leagues away from the village. So I thought you might come by soon."

"You were waiting for me?" I asked, incredulous. "Why?"

"I don't know," he said, tilting his head to the side. He shrugged gently with his good arm. "I wanted to make sure you got back okay, I guess. Missed talking to you."

These words hit me square between the eyes. I staggered back, at a loss for what to say in reply. He missed talking to me. Why did he say that? Did he really mean that, or was it just something that normal people say to casual work acquaintances but don't really mean? My mouth opened and my lips grasped for something to say back. I wasn't sure if I should still be angry with him, or be flattered that he wanted to see me. In the end, the kindness won out. Maybe I've been with Hinata too much. I'm turning soft.

"What happened to you?" I asked again, more sincere this time.

"Let's just say," he said, trying to laugh and failing miserably, "that painting the Hokage's house was no walk in the park. " Now he chuckled ruefully, hand covering his eyes. "I feel like such a jerk. Seriously, it should have been _you_ worried about _me_."

I'm sure my eyes were like saucers by that point. Was he trying to say he was sorry for the other night? "I see," I mused. "You look like..."

He gave a woeful sigh of smoke. "Shit. I know. Everyone's been reminding me. They're not letting me forget it, either."

"I was going to say," I continued, giving him a questioning glance. He really did look like he had had a tough time. I wanted to forget my earlier indignation somehow, looking at his sorry state. "You look like you could use a beer." Among other things.

Asuma blinked as though processing this information. He gave a long drag of his smoke while doing so. Then a smile played at the corners of his mouth. "As a matter of fact, so do you."

I found his smile infectious. He didn't sound condescending in the least. Maybe he _had_ just been concerned. Could it be that perhaps I have yet again overracted? I have to remember again what an idiot I can be, when I put too much thought into things. I hold my pride too dear, after all. I lowered my eyes to the papers I held in my hand, feeling the smile spread across my lips. "Well. Let me file this paperwork, and then let's go get a beer."

Asuma obliged these words with his usual easy grin. "Sounds like a deal."

* * *

Notes: 

I recently read up on the Jumps in the supermarket and the ones that have piled up in the good old kaisha breaku roomu. Turns out that as of a few weeks ago, Asuma's dad was the Third Hokage, and according to the apparent angst and the things he said they weren't close and he had issues with him that remained unsolved and even had problems with being a Sarutobi. Anyway, you'd think it would have gotten mentioned by him by now if they were close. Luckily this already fit pretty well with how I had characterized him for this story anyway-- he isn't too hot on being favored because of his relations, and he doesn't deal with his problems up front, both come up in later chaps. I've put a lot of thought into how I wrote here and other places based on his lines in the Japanese, so I hope you also think it fits. I'll try to show my take on it in the story as opposed to just telling you here though.

I can only pray that Konohamaru is not his child. Please god.


	11. duty

**duty**  
Asuma

* * *

Patrol duty. It's either really boring and tiresome, or bloody and stressful. From day to day it's very different. It depends a lot on who you're teamed with. It's a miserable task if you get stuck with some loser that talks too much or can't get their style in line with yours or bitches at you because they don't like the way you do things. If your team is good and your schedule is good, and you see a nice balance of action and downtime, it's not so bad. I do find it hard to get as excited about it as Gai does, of course. But truth be told, even though patrol can be pretty boring, I'd rather be doing that than some other things I can think of. Anyway, just as Genma had predicted, it would seem that I was looking at a fun few next weeks of patrol duty. 

It was a very early morning- five a.m., in fact, and the meeting we jounin had been summoned to was really dragging on and on. We were seated in the meeting room on the hard tatami floor. Apparently cushions or chairs are just not military enough. A white board and an overhead projector is okay, though. I wonder who decides these things?

All of the jounin of the village were packed into the room, along with a few high-ranking chuunin and some office gopher squirts to carry files and stuff. I had wanted to sit in the back row against the wall. Everyone wants to sit in the back against the wall. If you don't get there way early, you're screwed and you have to sit close to the eyes of those standing up front with everyone watching you from behind. I wasn't early enough and so I was maybe three rows from the back, next to Gai. Still feeling the effects of a particularly tough mission from a few days back, I felt drained and way too exhausted to be here for this. To be perfectly honest, I was in a pretty lousy mood.

The Third Hokage stood at the front of the room, clad in his official robes and wide-brimmed hat. When I came into the meeting room, he caught my eye and smiled, nodded. I returned his nod and smile. You have now witnessed, for the most part, the extent of our family communication.

Ever known a very famous and beloved political or religious leader? Now think about their kids. I don't know about you, but I can't think of a single example of one that's turned out normal. It isn't easy sharing a parent with other people. The worst part is that you know that he needs to do it, that it's his duty to do it, and then you feel like you must be wrong for just wishing you had your old man all to yourself. And you end up with a complex.

My dad and I are inherently different from each other. He's able to hold his position with pride and honor and do his job to the best of his ability. But I hated the position his job put us in. I hated the spotlight. I always have. I can't handle it. It's just not me. I'm a supporter: stand in the back and guard quietly.

As I'm sure you can tell by looking at us, my generation is a case of arrested development and interrupted childhood. Sure, they've tried to change all that in relative peacetime. In a time of needing to repopulate, children are precious. Academy students now become genin at the age of twelve, and it's not considered shameful for kids to play in the street anymore. In our day it was really different. War after war ravaged the ranks. Our survival as a nation depended on training and fully adhereing to the almighty Way of the Shinobi. You can guess what that led to. From pretty much the day we were old enough to throw a shuriken we were expected to support the village with our lives.

It was worst for the kids from the big clans. There was always something you had to live up to. In my case, as one of the Hokage's children I was constantly reminded that I was supposed to _set an example_. You can probably imagine how well I took to that one. I have never taken well to being pushed into things.

I remember getting chewed out over and over again by teachers for wandering around all day doing nothing. I liked doing things at my own pace and in my own way. My dad understood that and all, but there were times when I think I just baffled him. There were things about the Way of the Shinobi that I just couldn't come to terms with. Piles and piles of dead loved ones coming home can do that to a kid.

I ended up a bitter little snot by the time I was my present students' age. If my father had been home, we would have fought. But he was too busy being the village's father to be mine. Work was always his whole life, and he was already an old, old man by the time I came along anyway. The years that the Fourth took over the job were only too little, too late. Soon the Fourth was gone and then my father went back to office. And things happened after that... things that I never fully forgave him for.

He's more my Hokage than my father anymore. That's what he chose. It's easier to respect him if I think of him that way. Puts the killing and bad decisions and lost loved ones into a less personal and less painful perspective. There is still so much I don't understand about any of this that we do, and so much I don't understand about him. I wonder sometimes why it's easy for him now to give to other people the things I don't remember him having much time to give to us. He's downright fatherly with others, but when it comes to him and me, it's strained. I sometimes think that he realizes the mistakes me made with us and that's why he acts the way he does now. Probably he feels sorry and he can't say so. Perhaps there has been too much said between us. Or maybe we simply remind each other too much of what has been lost.

Maybe that's why my C-Rank painting the Hokage's mansion was such a bitch. I don't know. I don't want to think about it. I never do.

Ashinami Raidou was standing up front next to the Third, calmly waiting through the presentation. I'm sure Raidou can stand still and be comfortable for hours on end. That's his job, anyway, as the Hokage's bodyguard. His hands were neatly folded and his stance impeccable, loose and ready. During my years of bodyguard work I never came close to that kind of precision and control. The man is like a breathing, walking textbook diagram. I caught his keen blue-gray eyes giving me The Look more than once. Raidou is a master of The Look. Today it expressed he was busy, tired, and definitely out of patience for any funny business. In other words, his usual sunny and cheerful self.

Ibiki stood on the other side of him, straight as a rod. Ibiki is huge, _huge_, and he has an aura more than a look. Ibiki's aura always says the same thing: that he knows your secrets and could make you break down in seconds flat. At which point you would cry like a baby. Not wanting to experience being a broken shell of a man, I try to stay on his good side. The rest of Ibiki's team and the other Special Jounin were seated in the sidelines at the front as usual, facing the rest of the assembly. I could see Anko's spiky topknot over all of the heads inbetween us.

The current presenter was droning on and on. "Enemy activity in the border regions and in certain sectors around the village have seen a sharp increase during the past quarter. The enemy nin are for the most part unmarked units carrying nothing to identify them as a certain Hidden Village's members..."

I found myself dozing more than once. I mean, they could just cut this all short and tell us. "You're on patrol duty. Such-and-such a time, such-and-such a place. Now go." You'd think they would, being as how we are a _ninja_ military. But they never do. No, they have to have a _meeting_ and make a _presentation_. Before everyone can get down to business, there are some technical difficulties, or someone is late, or someone has an oh-so-important announcement to make about how we fill out our time sheets or whose seal was not affixed properly to what documents. After that there is always something someone else must add, and the meeting stretches longer and longer while everyone fusses around about some handout that was forgotten or some announcement that was not made.

Then there are the warnings. Don't leave your dirty coffee cups on the counter in the headquarters kitchen. Don't wash your bloodied weapons in the office sink. When you enter the head office, make sure you _calmly and clearly _state your name and rank and reason for being there because the new office chuunin don't know everyone yet and they get flustered easily. When you have a medical claim you _must_ fill out Form 2 _in triplicate _and submit it _within_ 48 hours or you will not be covered. Blah, blah, blah. I know that they have important things to tell us, but I wish they'd be less bureaucratic about it and waste less of all of our time. I mean, hell. We all know who it was who did the one with the coffee cup. It's Aoba. I always see his stupid bear mug on the counter with a disgusting half-drunken congealed coffee and milk mixture in it. I mean, his name is written on the outside of the cup, for crying out loud. Why not just tell him directly to cut it out and then I can go home and rest?

The first time I nodded off I caught myself and made a valiant effort to force my eyes to stay open. You can guess how long that worked. How long does that one _ever_ work?

"...during the last thirty days, note here in sectors B and D the number of intruders..."

I was out again before I knew it. I awoke to something quite sharp poking me in the arm. Whoa there. Making an effort to stay still and not noticed by everyone up at the front, I glanced over my shoulder. Kurenai was seated just behind and to the left of me. Her dark lips were pressed into a thin line, her elegantly arched eyebrows drawn into a scowl. The senbon in those perfectly manicured hands, then, would be the sharp object. Erm. Hope it's a clean one. No poison, right, Sensei?

She threw me a smouldering glare, clearly irritated. Her lips moved and formed silent words. _Wake up. _

Oops. I gave her an bashful nod and redoubled my efforts to stay awake and pay attention. _Okay. _I rubbed my eyes and shook my head a little._ I'm in the zone. I'm sharp and fully interested in what Mr. Personality up there has to say. Seriously. This is so important. Wake up, you lazy-ass. Wake up. _

"Due to the vulnerability of these areas to siege, it has been proposed that..."

Soon I was not kneeling on the hard tatami floor anymore. I was curled up in bed, a really soft and comfortable bed with warm and toasty sheets that smelled nice. Like the chocolate chip cookies Chouji's mom makes for me sometimes. Mmm, cookies. There were feather pillows. And Gai was whispering to me.

Wait. Gai whispering to me? Yikes. Something was _so_ very wrong.

"Asuma," Gai was saying, cuffing me in the arm. "Hey, man. Come on."

My eyes opened. I was looking down at my own arms folded across my chest. "Ah. Hey."

"May I continue?" Genma drawled from the front, with a good-humored smirk. He apparently was in the middle of presenting something.

There was a titter from a few of the chuunin. I felt a large number of eyes on me. Namely, Raidou's silent blue ones from the front, and Kurenai's crimson ones burning holes into me from the back. I didn't dare look at the old man's face. Didn't feel quite so sleepy anymore. Probably simply the shock of having Gai appear in a dream was enough to prevent me from dozing again for a while. I raked my fingers through my hair, ashamed. "Right. Um. Sorry."

"Okay." Genma clapped his hands and surveyed the crowd, his toothpick perky despite the early hour. "Listen up. As I was saying, everyone will patrol in two-man teams. I'm supposed to ask you to refresh your memory at home with your procedure manual, page 331 and 332. You all know how this goes. It's been a while since the last time we needed to call out most of you for patrol duty, though, and we have some new faces in the room today. Let's review the basics yet again, shall we?"

Genma paused here and pointed to someone in the back, signaling. The lights dimmed. Near the front, a bespectacled chuunin I knew as Iwashi slapped a transparency onto the overhead projector and switched it on. Rubbing his palms together, Genma continued. "This is important stuff, so don't forget. We lose more lives yearly because of these points than anything else, so _remember_. Okay?

"One-- _Be where you are supposed to be at all times_. I can't say this enough. Check in early before beginning patrol. Stay in your designated sector, _even_ if nothing is happening there. We need to be able to find you if something goes wrong. At the end of your shift you've GOT to check in again and sign out. Otherwise we have no idea what happened to you and we'll start searching for bodies. Now let me tell you right now, just as a personal comment," Genma paused, raising one eyebrow at the assembly. "If I have to go through corpses looking for your ass, and then we find you chilling out at home after hours of searching? I _will _let Ibiki do whatever he wants to you."

There was a mild chuckle from those gathered. Ibiki blinked, surprised to hear his name brought up. Then as the giant, scarred man realized the joke, he cracked a rather daunting smile at us. Nodding at his teammate, Genma continued.

"Two-- If there are more enemies than the two of you can handle, don't get into a hopeless fight. Retreat and call for backup at a check-in point _immediately_. "

Hayate began coughing rather harshly at this point. I saw Anko wave to the Third and then sneak out for a moment. Genma gave his teammates a glance but left it to them and went on. "Three-- and this one is most important, people-- Know where your partner is and what they are doing. If you split up, meet back up again when business is done. If you are separated, find your partner using the wireless comm. And for the last time-- USE YOUR WIRELESS."

Here there was a grumble from a few of the more veteran jounin. Genma was firm. "I don't care what you think of them. They save lives. And I know you'll probably complain about these rules and being assigned to sectors and signing in and out. Listen and try to comprehend what I'm saying here. The bottom line here is to cut down on wasted lives. Who here wants to go down as having died due to a preventable accident? Anybody?"

There was uncomfortable silence.

"That's what I thought," Genma finished, stepping down trimly. "Let's all do our best."

With a bob of her head to the Third, Anko slipped back in with a glass of something hot for Hayate. Her head bent close to his as she offered it to him, cupped in her hands. It was unusual to see the chipper and caustic kunoichi behave so tenderly. I thought it was kind of sweet. Must be nice to get babied when you're sick. Then again, I couldn't remember when Hayate _hadn't_ been sick.

"All right," the head office jounin barked. "Everyone line up at the stations outside to receive your assignments and schedules. Wait your turns. The tables are arranged according to rank. Chuunin on the left, all the way to veteran jounin on the right. Get moving."

I got to my feet and trailed along behind Kakashi and Gai. I sensed Kurenai giving me a general look of displeasure from behind. She followed us outside, but she carefully kept a distance of about three meters between. It seemed as though she didn't want to stand near me.

We shuffled forward out to the area that had been prepared outside for scheduling. The bright morning light stung my eyes and I blinked over and over, trying to adjust. The sun was pale and golden at this hour, the sky a mess of pastel wisps of cloud. It looked like a painting I remember from an old picture book. The moon was still visible in the sky. Three-quarters, ghostly white. I took out a cigarette and lit it up, sucking the smoke down and waiting for the nicotine to kick in.

Gai turned around from his place in front of me in line. "Asuma, you know our manly friendship is a very strong bond, and Maito Gai is magnanimous enough to forgive even the worst of a friend's habits. However, I don't really enjoy the smell of those things early in the morning."

"Sorry," I said, stepping away. "Here okay?"

"Better," Gai answered with a nod of his glossy hair. "But I must take this opportunity remind you, you should take better care of your body and enjoy your youth while you have it."

"Oh, he does," Kakashi remarked without turning to look at us. He folded his hands behind his head, stretching to look up at the sky. "He gets to have teatime."

Gai and I stared at Kakashi, boggled. What the hell was he talking about?

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Kurenai make a strange face all of a sudden. She looked like she had swallowed a frog or something. Three places back in line, she looked tiny compared to the big guys to the front and back of her. Even so, she proceeded forward dutifully. This was probably Kurenai's first jounin meeting, I guessed. I wondered what she thought of it all.

At that moment, someone hit me hard in the shoulder from behind, making me drop my smoke onto the hard-packed dirt below. Takes a lot to get me jumpy, though. Not moving, I glanced around, wondering what exactly was going on.

Ebisu, clad in the usual all-black, paused in walking past me. Turning to regard me, he adjusted hisdark glasses and smirked. "Oops."

I suddenly felt a a large number of eyes on me again. Ebisu is really close with my old man, close enough to get the job of training his heir. He's also a snooty prick, off the job. Always has been. Behind me Kakashi shifted just so, not stepping forward but watching carefully. Gai was there, too. I really hoped they wouldn't say anything.

I stomped out the dropped cig and took out a new one. "You okay, man?" I asked Ebisu, with a note of mild concern.

The Special Jounin Instructor twitched, as though he hadn't seen that coming. "Of course I am." With this he waited as though he expected me to say something more. I didn't give him the pleasure though. He scowled at me and moved on. As he went I could have sworn I heard him mutter, "...deadbeat."

And then he was gone. I calmly picked up the wasted cigarette from the ground and flicked it into a nearby trash can. Gai and Kakashi turned back without saying anything, likely pretending for my sake as though nothing at all had happened. I appreciated it. That's pretty much how it goes with us. In this line of work you don't have much left inside to get real vulnerable with your friends, I guess. There's a lot we don't talk about. Ever. It's sort of our unwritten rule.

Kurenai was watching silently from behind the people in front of her in line. Her expression was somber, unreadable. I tried to ignore her eyes on me. Sometimes I wished she'd stare at someone else.

Genma loped over to our line presently, Danger Smile engaged and everything. "Hey, fuzzy." He tossed me a can of something hot, likely from the breakroom vending machine.

Looking down at the metal cylinder now in my hand, I snorted. It was a can of hot double-shot espresso. MORNING WONDER, the label proclaimed in screaming yellow font. "Thanks."

He chuckled and clapped me on the shoulder. "No prob. Thought you could use it. "

"Sorry about that," I said, sheepish.

"No big deal," The lanky Special Jounin scratched his head under his backwards bandanna. "I woulda fallen asleep too. Besides, I know I'm not the most attractive thing you could be looking up at in the morning." Now he made doe eyes at me, and pointed to the label of the coffee can with a girlish pout. "But, Asuma? You're my Morning Wonder."

I snickered, shifting the smoke to my hand and opening up the can to take a big gulp. "I see."

"It's the beard, man. Drives the girls wild, I hear," he drawled. "Right, guys?"

Gai gave a good-natured chuckle. Kakashi raised an eyebrow, nonchalant. "Oh. Is that why?"

Genma nodded breezily, ignoring Kakashi's crypticism. "Yeah, me and Hayate are gonna try it and see. Apparently all the hottest kunoichi are powerless against the beard. Practically toss their panties at it."

This was almost enough to make me spit out the coffee. For one, imagining Hayate with a beard. For another, the very idea that hot kunoichi toss their panties at me. I didn't think they went for anything other than Kakashi, Genma, and (the kinky ones anyway) Ibiki. I mean, the last time I got laid was... er, wait, let's not think about that. In any case, I ended up red-faced with espresso up the nose.

Gai laughed and patted me on the back. "Asuma, your youthful sense of humor is encouraging."

I wiped my face with my sleeve. "Hope so."

"Hey! Back to work! I mean you, you napkin-headed sonnavabitch! " Anko stuck her head out of the office window to shout to Genma. Her words were harsh, but the grin on her face said she was only joking. "Who said you could go on break! And get _me_ a coffee while you're at it, huh?"

Genma smiled slowly at the sound of his teammate's voice. "Well. Gotta go." He hurried off, dropping us a casual wave. "See you around."

"Later," I replied, and went back to what was left of the can of coffee. It tasted good on my downer mood.

One by one the people before us were dismissed and Kakashi had reached the front of the line. We could see each table had a high-ranking jounin there to carry out proceedings. We found that Raidou was seated before us, with one of those cannon-fodder kids to help with the paperwork. I think this one was Izumo. I can never get their names straight. Which one is the sissy-looking one?

Raidou folded his hands patiently on the table and regarded us mildly. "Good morning, you three." He nodded to the chuunin beside him, who cleared his throat and picked up his clipboard to read aloud.

"Hatake Kakashi."

"Yep," Kakashi answered patiently, signaling that he was ready.

"Proctoring jounin carry the responsibility of managing and training your cells as a first priority. Taking this into consideration, you've been assigned to a limited amount of patrol duty covering Sector E." This mouthful finished, Izumo-- I'm guessing that was his name, anyway-- took a breath of air.

Raidou took over to elaborate. "It's a smaller sector and we haven't gotten much activity there. I'm sure it's a reasonable enough assignment."

"It's fine," Kakashi replied.

"Good to hear," Raidou answered. He looked over at the unfinished schedule that Izumo had waiting. "How about... Monday, Wednesday, Thursday. 1800 to 2300 hours. Your partner will be Maito Gai."

From behind, I could see Kakashi cringe. Gai, however, let out a victorious shout, throwing up his arms into the air passionately. "Patrol together with my eternal rival! We shall be the ultimate team! Kakashi, I am sure you will try to take out more enemies than I myself will, but mark my words, Maito Gai will not lose to you easily!"

I tried not to laugh and instead opted for tossing the empty coffee can into the trash bin nearby. Gai and Kakashi are a good team, despite Kakashi's (possibly feigned) reticence to accept this. Their strengths suit each other. If you watch them in action you can tell that they know each other's fighting style well. It's hard to find someone you can fight with like that. If you don't have someone who knows you really, really closely, someone who can guess your moves and whom you are willing to entrust your life to, it's tough to let go and fully get into it.

Gai and Kakashi initialed the schedule sheet and signed another form, and then it was only me and my smoke left standing there. Raidou regarded me with measured civility. His voice dropped in tone from when he had spoken to Kakashi just a moment ago. "...Asuma."

"Raidou," I returned his greeting with a casual nod of my head.

Raidou gave a sigh and looked away from me. He appeared as if talking to me was making him weary. "Asuma, your schedule will be... the same Monday, Wednesday, Thursday. And since it appears you have trouble with mornings, you can have the 2300 to 0400 shift."

I almost choked on my cigarette. Did he just say 2300 to 0400? As in 11 p.m. to 4 a.m.? Beside him, Sissy Chuunin was trying to hide a smile. Okay, it was obvious. Raidou was just sticking me with that on purpose because of falling asleep earlier.

"I trust you'll find that satisfactory," Raidou was saying, raising an eyebrow at me.

Well, punishment sucked, but whatever. I guessed I deserved it. If they gave me someone I've fought a lot together with, it'd be okay. Keeping in my chagrin, I nodded once. "It's fine," I replied, not really feeling the carefree tone of my voice. "Who's my partner?"

Now Raidou let me have a cold, calculating smile. "Why don't you take... Yuuhi Kurenai."

My stomach dropped. So much for that. Slamming me not only with someone I've never worked with in a battle situation, but a newbie who was half my size... and at 11 to 4 in the freaking morning. It was pretty much a recipe for trouble. Great. Just great. Thanks a lot, guys.

I waited off to the side until Kurenai had gotten to the front of the line. I wanted to see what she thought of the assignment. As it turned out, I wouldn't have to ask. I knew exactly when they must have informed her of who her partner was, because she turned and gave me a dissatisfied glare. I looked away and took a long drag of smoke, humiliated. Looks like I wasn't the only one who was miffed-- and the degree of her miffedness was much bigger than mine had been. Now I felt like a real loser.

Having finished, Kurenai walked over to me primly. She held her files tight against her chest. She didn't speak to me. I sighed, falling in step beside her even though I wasn't sure where it was we were headed. I cleared my throat. "So... we'll be working together, I guess."

"I guess," she returned, her words precise. She regarded the papers in her hands, her scarlet eyes hooded from view. "That is, if you don't doze off on me."

I blinked, unsure how to answer that. "I won't doze off on patrol, no."

"You sure?" she repeated, turning away from me to look off into the distant sun. The line of her shoulders was different from her usual confident posture. I puzzled over this for a moment. Seemed like there was a lot on her mind. Maybe she was feeling insecure. Maybe she was pissed at something. Maybe she was sad. I can't read her at all when she does this. She's really weird sometimes. I have three theories so far why this might be. She's either really indecisive, or she thinks too much about things, or she has two personalities. Whatever the reason, Kurenai runs hot and cold. It often takes guesswork to talk to her.

I shifted, scratched my head. "Thanks for trying to wake me up," I offered.

"You really shouldn't fall asleep during meetings," she scolded, walking out in front. She was heading in the direction of the training grounds, out among grass and trees. Her arms folded over her chest, hugging the file to her heart. "It interrupts everyone else, and it looks bad."

"Right." I agreed to her back, conciliatory. She was right. This wasn't the first time, though, and it probably wouldn't be the last. However, I opted not to divulge this nugget of truth right now. Instead I followed along behind her into the trees. The woods smelled dark and dusty and the turf underfoot was soft with moss and fallen leaves. "I know."

Kurenai stopped in her tracks and looked over her shoulder at me. When she did, her seal-brown hair draped elegantly over the shoulder she turned away from. It looked like she was posing for a picture without even trying to. "You were snoring," she remarked, lightly.

I balked. "H-huh?" See what I mean about hot and cold?

"You were snoring," she repeated, and her previously inscrutable expression cracked. A smile teased one corner of her shiny red lips. "Did you know that you snore?"

I rubbed my face, embarrassed. "Well, no, I've never listened to myself asleep." And I've never slept with anyone who bothered to offer me any intimacies about what it was like.

"It was actually kind of funny," she added, her lips curving in amusement. "Not at the time, but now that I think about it."

My ears felt hot and I didn't know why. "Was I loud?"

"No," she replied, thinking back. She tucked her hair behind one ear. "Quiet. Like a big cat."

This description made me snort. I remembered my mom's fat old tabby cat Tiger. He was a brown longhaired sloth of a thing, looked like a pillow with legs. He used to sleep on my lap sometimes. He had a habit of drooling, and his purring was enough to wake the dead. Not to mention he smelled. Wait, hold it. Could it be that we've figured out which family member I inherited most of my traits from?

Kurenai's smile faded and she studied the ground below her still feet. "Well. We have our first patrol tonight, then."

"Yeah," I said. I looked up at the sky, watching the last smoke from my cigarette trail upwards and fade into the mess of branches above. "Maybe we should... go over strategy or something beforehand."

"You think I'll get you in trouble," she observed. I dropped my eyes to her face, surprised that she would say this. Her eyes were dark and placid, her long lashes downcast. "You think I'm not experienced enough."

I flicked my smoke onto the ground and stepped on it with a toe, taking a moment to consider how to best address the issue. You have to choose your words carefully with women who are trained in the speediest methods of ending your life, after all. "Hmm," I hesitated. "Nahh, not really."

"Liar," Kurenai accused, raising her gaze to mine. Her hair shone in the dappled morning sunlight but her powdery cheeks didn't. Her face is smooth, her skin pale and perfect. Mine is sun-browned and marked by teenage acne and years of close-range battle. When she and I are close together, I can tangibly feel my ugliness. "I can tell," she continued. Her eyes were grave as she regarded me."I'd be thinking the same thing."

"Well," I began, and then wasn't sure what to say next. I felt humbled by her sober honesty. "Well. When you're patrolling outside the village, it's usually best if you work with someone you've had a lot of experience with. So... yeah, I felt unsure. We haven't ever fought together before."

"I haven't the slightest clue about your fighting style," she admitted. She sounded as though she wanted to finish that with, _I hope it doesn't involve taking frequent lunch breaks_.

I ran my fingers through my hair and continued. "But we can get around that if we both make an effort to learn and adapt to each other," I pointed out. If she wasn't teamed with me, she'd be with someone else who probably hadn't fought with her either. At least when you looked at it from her side, she was with someone she knew a little bit. "Let's try our best."

Kurenai nodded in agreement, lifting her blood-red irises to search mine. The angle of her chin was proud, her jaw set with confidence. "I won't let you down," she said, firmly. "I know you'll have to see it for yourself, though." Now she was showing her competitive side. Her eyes are wild and intense when she does, enough to make you dizzy. I had to say I found this appealing and intimidating as hell at the same time.

I offered her a friendly smile, forcing my eyes away from the heat of hers. "I won't let you down, either, Kurenai. I promise." I stuck out my hand. She stared at it as though it would bite her or something for a few moments before realizing my intention. Then she put her tiny, milky hand in mine, and we shook hands. Her grip was sure and constant, a contrast of firm bandages and smooth, pliant skin.


	12. first patrol: Asuma

**first patrol  
**Asuma

* * *

The forest is pitch dark at this hour, and ghostly quiet. I kinda like it. 

In the stillness of tonight there are no extra sounds. No crickets, no cicadas. All I can hear is the rush of the wind in the trees and my own heart beating in my ears. The earth beneath my feet smells like ash and dusty leaves. Above, the moon is just rising, a sliver more full than it had been last night. The air is cool and soft on my face, and the sky is brilliant with stars.

This is the kind of night I can't sit still. The air feels electric and the wind pulls at me, urging me forward. When I'm tired enough and the mood is right, everything feels charged and wild. I just want to run and run and fight and scream until I can't breathe anymore. Go ahead and laugh at lazy ass wanting to do something for a change. Don't you ever feel that way once in a while, or is it just me? Like you just gotta do something or you'll disappear. Proof of existence and all that.

Anyway. I like nights like this. It's a good night for our first patrol. Despite my lousy mood at the meeting earlier this morning, things had gone well with the team today and then I had gotten a nice long nap to make up for the ungodly early awakening. I'm in a good mood for work. Better enjoy it while it lasts.

Sector E turns out to be a thickly wooded sector. I suppose it's suited to my style well enough. Plenty of places to hide and plenty to stop opponents from getting away quickly. Trees make a nice obstacle to close the enemy in, and they're also great for making traps as well. Chase the target, trap, engage, kill. That's my way of getting this done. My running speed is okay, of course, but if I can get away with finishing them off without having to chase them all over the place, I'll opt for that.

The first hour was spent simply skirting the perimeter of the area together. I find Kurenai's speed on foot very impressive. Her limbs are light and easily adapted to running silently through trees and underbrush alike. It's hard for me to stay quiet at times. I'm clumsier, I guess. I usually opt for the ground if I have the option because I find that the momentum is easier to stop. So she covered the high road and I the low.

She is running along with me, up above and a short distance behind. I can feel her eyes trained on my back. I can't get a good read on her mood so far. She seems tired or uncomfortable, I suppose. She hadn't spoken to me much at check-in so it was hard to say. I'm no mind-reader.

Kurenai showed up wearing different clothes than I usually see her wearing-- she's got her vest on over her usual white garment, and a pair of black pants underneath. Forgive me when I say this, but a million of us guys can wear the flak vests and combat pants and look non-descript, but when you see the same clothes on a nice-looking woman, I mean damn. Makes us look pretty shabby. The clothes look _way_ better on her. Er, anyway. I was saying. She looks tough and cool tonight, and she isn't feeling chatty. In other words... the usual?

At first as we began to move through the trees, her stance was tight and her posture quite rigid, shoulders held defensively. But now we have completed a circuit around the perimeter of our sector and I get the feeling she too is starting to relax a bit. Her steps are silent and soft and her arms move loosely with her momentum.

"See anything?" Kurenai asks me over the wireless. Her voice is rich and smooth in my ear. It tickles.

"Dead as a doornail here," I reply. There is absolutely nothing to be seen anywhere. Nary a squirrel is out tonight. Kind of makes me wonder if we really have to be here, to be honest. "You?"

"Same." she answers. She is thinking, you can hear it in her tone. "I want to find a good vantage point." Kurenai really is by-the-book, I notice. Scout the perimeter. Then if there are no leads to follow, find a lookout point and survey the area from there. Those are procedures straight from the manual. Procedures I often... kind of skip. Or at least sort of make a half-assed effort at carrying out.

"Okay," I agree. "I'll keep moving around down here and see if I see anything."

"Got it," she replies. I turn and begin a wide circle around the area where she'll be. This is going to be a pretty unusual battle arrangement for me, teaming with Kurenai. I'm usually the backup. I'm not used to being the main dish as far as fighting goes, but it might be a good experience for me. I could use the workout, anyway. If need be, I'll handle the brunt of the work here, and she can pick off any that get away.

I still don't know anything about her abilities or style yet. She hasn't really offered any information, so I'm left to guess for myself. I figure she's more of a ranged attacker than anything else. Those lightly boned arms of hers probably can't handle sustained heavy close-range action. Maybe that's one reason why she only now became jounin. She seems quiet and thoughtful-- maybe even a little _too_ thoughtful-- and so I'd say she is probably good at setting up traps and using tags and stuff as opposed to anything real in-your-face. Not to mention, the white outfit and polished manicure leads me to think she's probably the type who doesn't like getting her hands too dirty. Maybe she's into medicine or something. A lot of kunoichi are med-nin types.

So I scout around for a little while, then opt for stopping under a tree. I've run out of juice and therefore it is time for a break. Without even thinking about it I slip my hand into my pocket for my pack and tap a fresh new one out. I guess it's become involuntary motion by now, like blinking. I light up and let myself relax a little. The paper cylinder feels comfortable between my fingers, smooth and clean and white, so unlike my lungs...

_Shuff, shuff, snap, shuff. _The sound of human movements from a distance away catches my attention at 7-o-clock. Behind me, crap. Tucking away my lighter hastily, I get down and move in that direction, keeping to the shadows. Of course, I don't bother to put out my cigarette. I guess after all, I'm a Sarutobi through and through. You know, one of my uncles loved to brag that he and his brothers were so fast, that they smoked in battle just to give the enemy a fair chance. I don't think that's quite the case with me, of course. I think it's more like I'm too damn cheap to throw away a perfectly good smoke. "Got something," I mutter into the wireless. "To the southeast, maybe 40, 60 meters from me."

"How many?" Kurenai asks me. If she's apprehensive, it's barely detectable. I think she's got a lot more self-control than the average woman I know. Then again, this judgement might be a tainted one, based on the fact that my female cousins and their weird friends are a pretty rowdy bunch. Oh, stories I could tell you.

"Can't tell," I reply. "Movin' on for a a closer look." They hadn't been moving too fast, so I don't either. Best to sneak up on them and get a handle on how many there were and what I was up against before I jumped in, right?

"Ah-ha. I see them," Kurenai says softly in my ear, keeping her voice low. "There're a few groups of three... Wait, there are more. I'm coming down."

"Traps," I warn her, getting out my blades and sliding my fingers through the familiar cold metal holes. "One, two... at least seven visible. Wires and tags. If you move, be very careful."

"I'll circle around from behind them," she murmurs. "We can go from each side."

"No, wait." I protest. That was much too dangerous. Over half of them were sure to go after her, just assuming she'd be the easier kill. "You should get behind me and then we'll go together."

"Do you need help?" she asks me.

"Nah," I answer.

"Neither do I," she replies, pointedly. "So let's do this."

_What the?_ I'm left blinking at the transceiver. I have a major bad feeling about doing it that way. How is she supposed to back me up if she's on the other side? And besides, shouldn't she be listening to me? I do have a lot more experience than she presently does, after all. She needs me to watch out for her in case things got serious. Come on, Kurenai, work with me here.

I spot some enemies creeping forward through the trees. They have no insignia visible on them, which means either they're just common thugs or bandits-- or that one of the villages is sending units to spy on Konoha without being held accountable for it. I can see at least 6 units in this group and a bunch more in the background. Then there is glimpse of white face and dark hair in the distance, and Kurenai has arrived in the trees at the back of the squadron.

"Kunoichi," one of the enemy yells, pointing her out. "Just one, moving. Trees at three o'clock."

"Puny bitch. Get 'er!"

Crap, shit, and dammit. What the hell is she thinking! All I can do now is try and distract attention from her to save her. I jump out and charge through the middle of the small group of enemy nin, giving a loud roar for extra surprise factor. A bunch of them turn, startled to see me bearing down on them. They turn tail and retreat a length into the trees to redouble their position. I follow right on their trail. They stop when they've found a good open area in the trees and turn to take me on. Three of them are to my right, three more hang back in the rear as support. I can't see Kurenai or the enemy units that had chased after her. This was not the way I would have chosen to do this at all. I had better finish this quick and catch up with her.

The three to my right get out weapons. I see shuriken and short swords on one, senbon and large kunai on another, and a chain and sickle on the third. All three are men, dressed in non-descript brown and gray. They have flakvests but no marks or insignia to identify them. This is a pain because as such, there was no way to guess what level or kind of jutsu they might be likely to use.

"Take him out," one of the supporting group orders his companions. "Then get the fancy napkin he's got on there. He's worth some dough."

Oh-ho, so they aren't commoners, they know something or other about the infrastructure of Konoha. _Okay, this is either going to be child's play or an absolute bitch. Which is it, guys? _Channeling chakra into my knives, my fancy napkin and I get ready. I want to wait for them to make the first hit so I can see what kind of moves they've got.

Now of course, this next part happened very quickly, but when you're fighting time seems to slow down. In battle, a lot happens in extremely rapid succession. If you blink, it's all over, so you can't waste anything. You have to have your senses tuned and ready, or you're dead meat in no time. And I don't plan on going home as the dead meat tonight. Sure, that's unfortunate for these six guys because that obviously means they will be. But it's not like they're here in our sovereign territory to stop by for cookies and milk.

The shuriken come first, of course, being the fastest offensive weapon they've got. They're easily dodged. I twist out of the way and swing my hands up and down again, using chakra from my blades to block the flurry of senbon which come next. The rush of wind and energy knocks the little needles from their path and they drop useless to the ground. At this moment I hear a strong reaction of shock begin to go up from the supporting cell.

I grinned inwardly. Looks like they didn't guess I could do that. They had it coming though. Should have known that it was a bad idea to come into our territory and mess with me. At least they don't have to regret it long. If this is all they have to offer, they'll be dead soon enough anyway.

The third guy starts swinging around his sickle bit. That will take him a few seconds to get going, so it would be best to take out the source of the senbon. Those things can be a major pain in the ass-- hah, literally, even, I kill me-- and they're not easy to detect while occupied with other things. It's easy to get tagged with quite a few during a battle and not realize it until whatever the user had on them kicks in. Thus he is first on the list.

So I keep alert on the chain sickle while going after the senbon user with a cross punch to the face. He gets me with a few of the hairlike needles in the arm as I move, but it doesn't stop my momentum. My blade cuts through and his skull splits, the blood and chunks of brain matter continuing on with the punch's trajectory to spray the supporting cell behind him. I catch a quick shot of them before I turn away again. One is just a young kid. Looks horrified.

I don't really dig on seeing their faces most of the time. It's easier to concentrate on the weapons. The weapons are what wants to kill me, not the faces. Once you see facial expressions, you start to see people you know or knew in their features. When that happens, you familiarize the opponent, humanize them, and then that causes hesitation. And even a split of a spilt second's hesitation can mean your life. Don't misunderstand me, now, I'm a killer. It's my job. I was born into it, born with it and I'm good at it. I enjoy it, even, sometimes-- especially on wild nights like this. I just try not to look closely at the faces. I don't know why.

Incoming from the left. The short sword slashes towards my arm, which is still retracting from the punch. That's annoying. I shift my weight to my right leg and send a kick in that direction. This sends the guy back a few steps to restabilize. I take this opportunity to tear the needles back out of my arm before they can get knocked any deeper and cause more damage. The sickle has had a second to get some speed going, but isn't fully ready for a good throw yet. I would have liked to stop him before he got a chance to attack, of course, but the sword and shuriken will have to come first.

The sword user grabs another handful of shuriken and sends them flying with his spare hand. His throw is nothing special or tricky, so it's no challenge to dodge the straight flight path of the metal stars. They lodge without purchase into the trees behind me. _Thunk, thunk-thunk._ I throw my weight forward against the sword as he comes forward with another attack. Crossing my blades in front of my face not only blocks his swing, but it does some damage to his arms as well. He opens his mouth to yell about the pain but he doesn't get the opportunity to finish.

I stomp forward heavily and break my guard, using the movement to slash at his torso. Then I go for a swing aimed at the soft tissue of the chest between the shoulder and ribs to continue that arm damage. Don't need him waving that sword at me anymore, after all. He makes no block or parry. Simply starts to crumble. Fine, then, I'll finish him off. A hook to the liver, and he blubbers something unintelligible. Blood gushes from his side and he is done for.

Now that sickle is coming. I bob and weave to the outside to evade the first outward fling of chain. The wielder, laughing, snaps his weapon back. I make a slip to the left to make sure it won't get me in the neck and lop off my head. Instead he catches me in the deltoid of my right arm as he pulls the thing back towards his waiting hand. The metal is heavy and it drags roughly into my shirt and cuts into the flesh underneath.

That slows me down some, I'll admit. The guys in the back have by now had a total of seven seconds to realize exactly what was going on and see two of their men go down. I see the two older ones spring into action, also readying weapons. The last one, the little one, doesn't move.

I put out my hands from my body a bit and transfer a large amount of chakra to my arms. The blades burn pale and blue in the dark of the forest clearing. The light reflects off of the wet shine of their eyes and for a moment we all become ghosts in the eerie glow. Somewhere off in the distance a tag explodes. It could be Kurenai, but I don't have time to think about that for now. The sickle is swinging again, I can hear it whistling in the wind. It shoots out and catches me, wrapping around my left wrist. I smile, pleased. _Good. _Stupid took the bait.

With the chakra I have gathered into my arms, I grab onto the chain and yank with everything I've got, flinging him around me like a tetherball. Of course the sickle user is holding on too tightly to let go very fast, already having his grip and weight positioned to pull against mine. The chakra increases the power too much for the lightweight user to handle, and I send him flying into the tree opposite me. He hits head-first, equating a really quick death as his skull and spine make impact. The sound is thick and dull in our ears.

Then there are just three of them left. The kid is shaking like a leaf, horrified. The older two step in front of him. Both are equipped with quite an array of weaponry but they don't begin any seals or jutsu or anything. Enough with this. If these guys have nothing better to hit me with than average run-of-the-mill weaponry, there's no need for me to play dumb with them. They're just barely better than hired thugs, it seems. Most jounin would have used something with a little more finesse by now, you'd think. Game's over for them. Kurenai is probably in real danger at the moment, and it's up to me to go make sure she gets out alive.

I whip my left arm around once to shake off the wrapped chain. One of the remaining three charges towards me, knife held up in an impossibly unguarded position. I slash once and his throat is slit and he falls. The next one, the one who had seemed like the leader, comes. I block his swing and give him a jab to the stomach. He shrieks as he rolls onto the ground and squirms and then he lies still.

The last one is that kid. He is still just a little guy, maybe sixteen, seventeen years old. He's probably never fought against anything near my level before. He looks hopelessly green, and now all that he has left between him and me is a scroll in one hand and a kunai in the other, held so loosely it looks like it's about to tumble from his thin, trembling fingers. I don't look at his face. I can tell he's terrified from the shaking of his legs. I feel sorry for him so I finish him quickly and as painlessly as possible.

I turn and sprint in the direction in which I think the others might be. I can hear the sounds of running feet not far from where I am. As I crash through the underbrush I hear a scream from ahead that makes my stomach tighten. It's Kurenai.

I rush in through bushes and find myself behind some enemies who seem to have just arrived on the scene, about 40 meters or so ahead. I can see them standing in front of a giant tree, five of them, and they're not moving forward. I start to run towards them and find that in my haste I've stumbled into a mess of tags and wires. _Shit._ I fumble back, trying to see just how I came in and how best to get back out. At the same time, I try to make some sense of what's going on up ahead of me.

In the shadows at the foot of the tree is Kurenai. She's clutching her leg as if in pain. Is it broken? Sprained? What happened? Somehow her vest has been lost, and without it she looks very small, very feminine, and rather dangerously vulnerable.

"Did I get her? I got her!" One of the enemies is saying.

"What should we do with her?" Another asks. "Kill her? Or have fun with her first?"

Oh, _hell_ no. I'll get them first. I start to run just by instinct and get snared by the razor-sharp wires I forgot were there. Now, only does that hurt like a mother, but it's kinda unsafe. I don't recommend you try that, should you ever be in the same situation. So like the crafty and subtle genius I am, I whip out my knives and start swinging blindly at anything in front of me in my hurry to get out. Some jounin, eh?

Meanwhile in the shadows below the tree Kurenai is sniffling. "No, please, wait," she begs, and then something really bizarre goes down. Something I totally wasn't expecting.

Kurenai raises her head, and I can clearly see her now as she gazes up at them. The look on her face stops me dead in my tracks in my effort to get over there and help her. This is an expression I've never, ever seen her make before. Her eyes are bright in the moonlight and the garnet gleam in them is lethal. As I watch, those perfectly painted lips twist upwards into a cold smirk. All five enemy nin freeze in place as though something horriying has seized them. Then all of them start grasping the air around them, clutching their throats.

I have cut myself free by now and I stagger forward, puzzled. The mood in the air is absolutely electric, as though something so very wrong is happening. The five enemy units who just a second ago were about to attack Kurenai are now terrified, eyes wide and rolling frantically, lips gaping for breath like a fish out of water. They are standing on their toes, clawing the air around their necks as though trying to pry away an unseen force. I hear the sound of choking and rasp attempts to cry and scream for help, but it is to no avail. I can feel the hairs on the back of my neck standing up. Then I realize what it is that Kurenai can do.

"Genjutsu," I utter to no one in particular, in surprise.

Kurenai falls like lighting from the tree above, and the injured Kurenai who had been at the foot of the tree disappears like a curl of smoke and scarlet leaves. She lands at the center of the semi-circle of men and whips out kunai with a fluid motion. In a whirl she turns, swinging her blades out and spilling all of their guts onto the ground as though it were a graceful dance. She twists around, the light and even dainty motion of her footsteps and outstretched arms comes as a jarring contrast to the explicit violence of what she's actually doing.

I've worked with kunoichi before, but I don't remember it being like this. I don't know if I've ever seen anyone move quite this way. Effortless, flowing, a leaf on the wind. The red of her lips and the flash of her eyes, the lines and curves of her body, and the blood running down everywhere around her, it's alluring and extremely forbidding at the same time. As she finishes the last one, she releases the genjutsu with a quick seal and lets them enjoy the sensation. The gruesome sound of their agony is blood-curdling.

I'm left openmouthed, astonished. I'm not sure whether I should congratulate her on a nice kill, or wet myself.

She turns once and finishes, smooth as silk. There is blood splattered all over her front, but it doesn't seem to bother her at all. Taking a step back, she nonchalantly produces a rag from the kunai holster on her thigh. She dabs the blood from her face and neck, wipes her bare left arm and then her right hand. Then she notices me standing there gaping like an idiot. I shouldn't have this kind of reaction, not after so many years of this. I really shouldn't. But I do.

"Asuma," she says, quietly, calmly. Her eyes are even more intimidating in the dark than they are in the daytime. The bottoms of her irises show a thin crescent of ruby red when the light hits them just right, like the light in the bottom of a glass of dark wine. The color is exactly the same as that gushing out of the still-dying men on the ground.

I try to form a reply. If I were more sharp-witted, I'd use this opportunity to give her a compliment-- while at the same time making myself look good-- and cover up the fact that that thing she did just now has me scared shitless. I rack my brain as quick as I can for a good line. Something suave, something rakish. _Thanks for getting that for me, doll, but really, I could have handled it. Well, now. You're quite the vicious little thing, aren't you?_

But the reply doesn't come. Nothing comes. All I manage to say is, "Whoa."

Kurenai looks at me and her mouth presses into a thin line. Then she drops her eyes and starts wiping the gore from her kunai. So I decide to play it cool. "Thought you were hurt."

She doesn't miss a beat, as usual. "If I were hurt, I'd use the wireless." Her voice is even and matter-of-fact as she speaks to me. She finishes wiping one kunai and pockets it neatly. Then she begins on the next.

"Right," I agreed, feeling sheepish. _Oh yeah._ "But I wasn't sure."

"The bunshin wasn't wearing a vest," she explained, industriously cleaning her second kunai. "I hoped you'd get the idea if you saw. I figured the enemies would be too stupid to notice something like that."

I cringe inwardly at this remark. In other words, I was too stupid as well. I'm not sure how to respond to that at all. "Oh."

Then there is silence. Uncomfortable silence. I wipe my knives off on my shirt and tuck them away. Yes, they're still dirty. I'll clean them later-- and no, not in the office sink. The disembowled men on the ground are silent now. Kurenai finishes her kunai and slips it into the kunai holster on her thigh. Then she stands quietly, looking as though she is not sure what to say next. She folds her arms and glances around the surroundings warily.

"Genjutsu?" I ask, without really thinking. I'm definitely at my most articulate this evening, aren't I? She must think I'm a moron among morons by now. I try for a more complete sentence. "Was that genjutsu?"

"Yes," Kurenai replies.

"I didn't know you could use genjutsu," I tell her. "That's interesting." And I'm not just saying that to be conversational. Genjutsu is kind of rare.

You know, I should have guessed Kurenai was a genjutsu user. It makes so much sense that I'm surprised I didn't see it sooner. I mean, genjutsu requires an immense amount of determination and control, both of which the woman seems to have loads of. It takes a lot of mental energy, as well. It can be really tiring for most people. When I was younger my teachers used to tell me I had a good capacity for learning genjutsu. But for some reason it always seemed like way too much work. I preffered getting things done with my fists much more than taking the time to mess with people's minds. It's so much more direct, and it takes a lot less studying. And incidentally, I find it much more satisfying.

"It's in my file," Kurenai points out, ever civil. Her words are measured and careful as she speaks to me, the way a mother might speak to a very stupid child. The 'you are really trying my patience, young man' sort of voice.

"Right," I agree, with a little laugh. "But who ever reads those?"

"_I_ do," she answers. She inspects her manicure and adds, "I took the time to read yours."

"Oh." I say again, contrite. _Oooh_, I hear the peanut gallery in my head jeer. _Moded_. I swallow a big gulp of smoke and try to regroup.

The expression on her face is once again inscrutable. Her eyes are fixed on the bodies at her feet, as though she were trying to mentally rearrange all of the organs back into their proper places. _Stomach, liver, bladder, pancreas. _I blink once and then again, and find I have to take my smoke out of my mouth. "Kurenai."

"Hmm." She muses, her gaze not rising from the ground. "Right. We should get back to patrol."

I force a rueful smile for her benefit. "Well, either that or," I pause, glancing at the gruesome mess between us, "Can we at least relocate this sorry attempt at a conversation a little ways that way or something?"

At this Kurenai looks up, and her face appears as though she finds this droll. It comes out in two small huffs of her voice as she says, "All right."

I amble a little ways to the left a bit, away from her handiwork and of course, mine too. We stop when we reach a little hollow. The moon is beaming down between the massive trees, the light filtered by the myriad needles and leaves between us and the sky. It's quiet. I take a long drag of my cigarette, feeling much better.

"Here's good," I remark when I am satisfied we have reached a better spot for talking. I drop to the ground underneath a tree, complacent as a cow. She nods in reply and eyes me, watchful. To look at her face, it is bothering her that we aren't patrolling while on patrol. But I figure a few minutes won't hurt anything. I need a break anyway. I rummage around in my packs looking for something to tie up the dribbling cresent carved into my shoulder by our late sickle-throwing friend.

Kurenai stands a safe distance from me, observing. She notices my injury. "How did that happen?"

"Eh." I grunt, unable to find anything really good in my various pockets. "It was a chain sickle. Don't worry, it's not deep."

"I wasn't worried," Kurenai replies, smoothly. "You look fine." At this I snort, amused. She's no med-nin, that's for sure. No sympathy for the large and stupid. She's right, of course. I am totally fine. I just don't have anything useful in my pouches other than projectile weapons. Some gum, and an empty cigarette box, a tissue (used), and a broken rubber band. Why's that in there?

I dig through my pants pockets in vain. "Got anything in the way of bandages on you?"

She tosses a neat roll of white gauze at me, almost as though she had had it ready and waiting. I catch it in the air. "Oh. Hey. Thanks," I stub out my cigarette on the ground and stick the remains in my shuriken holster. It's bad to litter in primeval forests, kids. Time to set to work rolling up my sleeve to get the wound tied up. She stands there with her arms folded, looking on quietly.

"Genjutsu, huh," I ponder aloud. I should read her file, I guess. If I ever have to kill time in the office it might be useful to know. Hell, I wonder what my own file says. She read up on me so whatever they've got in there, she knows now. I bet it has all the good dirt on me, too. Heh.

I have gotten my sleeve up to my shoulder. The cut is thankfully clean and not so deep that it would cause permament damage or anything. I've had much worse many times over. It'll probably just be sore for a while, and soon enough it'll all be forgotten. No big deal. I wipe the dripping blood up with the fabric of my shirt. The sleeve is already pretty gunky with the blood that's been leaking since, so this doesn't do too much good-- but it's fine for now. I'll clean it up more when I get home. The holes the senbon made in my wrists have already clotted, thankfully. Doesn't seem like there was anything too strong on them-- otherwise I'd be feeling it by now. I've been poisoned enough over 27 years that the light stuff doesn't work too well anymore. I grin at the memory of our umarked and so very naive adversaries. _Amateurs._

I grab one end of the gauze in my teeth. Tucking the halfway point of the bandage under my arm, I go about wrapping the loose end. Then a question occurs to me.

"What kind of genjutsu was it?" I ask, feeling a little uncharacteristically shy. I mean, I don't know if it's too personal of a question. If you could use your mind to mess with other people's, how would you do it? I don't want to pry or anything, you know? Genjutsu users-- or at least the ones I've worked with-- tend to be on the fussy side, after all. I think it's because they think too much. "If it's okay to ask."

"It was just simple stuff, really," she answers, her gaze trained on my wrapping job.

"I hadn't seen that before," I admit. I've seen genjutsu before, of course, but each user has their own moves and their own repertoire, so I've rarely seen the same jutsu used by more than one person. So it's hard to tell when you're seeing it used exactly what is going on. Now, if they were using it on you, that's a different story.

"You seem curious," Kurenai muses, still watching me. The corners of her lips curve upwards, as though she might smile but isn't sure about it.

I chuckle, holding one end of the bandage in my teeth while tying the other end around it in a knot. "Yeah, maybe. Genjutsu isn't something I've seen a lot of. And everyone has a different style." Most of my years have been spent doing escort and bodyguard work, after all. Genjutsu isn't something popularly used in those fields, it's a pretty taijutsu-heavy occupation.

She runs her fingers through her sleek hair and looks away, off into the distance. "I could show you if you want," she offers, breezily.

I gulp inwardly. _Uh-oh. _Now I've done it. The memory of the spooked feeling in my stomach from earlier creeps back to me. Do I really want to let her do that on me? No, thanks. I can feel myself start to get goosebumps again. On the other hand, I'm really curious. And I don't often get curious about things. So when I do I usually give in to it. I'm curious what she can do. I'm afraid of her and I wanna know why.

Speaking of which, wait. Is this a challenge? Does she know I'm afraid? Is she testing me? I regard her for a moment, trying to get a handle on just what is going on. Kurenai's eyes trail back to mine and then dart away, but her glossy lips are pulling into a rather satisfied little smirk.

My eyes narrow. Yes, that was definitely some sort of challenge. Well, fine. This will be one I won't let go. Not sure why, but that sassy little smile was too much for even lethargic old me.

"Sure," I shrug, forcing my tone to sound agreeable. "I'm game." I lumber to my feet and stand up to my full height. Now her eyes flit back to me, and her lower lip quivers just so. I give my newly bandaged left arm a good stretch, and while I'm at it, the right, too. Two can play at the intimidation game.

Her eyes blink quickly, one, two, three, and then she regains her poise. She tosses her hair over one shoulder. "All right, then. "

"Go for it," I tell her, summoning all of my rather limited bravado. Somehow this evokes the same feeling I had the time I got my ear pierced as a teenager. That cringing in the chair, get-it-over-with kind of feeling. It'll be over quick, I hope, and then at least I'll have my stupid question answered, and she won't smirk like that at me again. "I'm ready."

Kurenai's eyes flicker and she purses her lips, thoughtful. That smirk is now nowhere to be seen. She takes a few steps nearer until she is standing directly in front of me. "Just hold still."

"Will do."

She chews her bottom lip briefly, in thought. "I won't... do anything to you, don't worry. "

"I'm not worried," I return her words neatly to her, accompanied by a smirk of my own. It's a flat-out lie, but hah! Take that.

Her eyes widen when she hears this, and she gives me a fleeting smile in acceptance. "Here I go." Then begins a sequence of hand seals, not dropping her gaze from mine.

I'm not sure at exactly what point it happens, but I find that suddenly I can't take my eyes from hers. The red irises seem to catch and reflect back the pale moonlight as though they were giving off light in and of themselves. Her pupils dilate, growing wide and dark, and I feel disoriented. My head spins and I lose sight of her. Wasn't she just standing right in front of me?

Suddenly from behind me, a vine sprouts quickly from the ground. Then another on the left, and another before me. Their speed is impressive, I don't have much time to react. This must be a jutsu that's pretty easy for her, or one she is really comfortable using. I don't move to block them or break the jutsu, since she's just showing me, but it isn't easy. My body's instinct is to defend myself, so it's hard not attacking back when I usually would.

A vine catches my left wrist, and then another grabs each ankle. At first the tendrils feel cool and silky as they curl around my limbs, just the way the morning glories in our old garden used to grasp onto the trellis. But these vines are growing thicker and tighter by the instant, and now they begin to constrict, holding me in place. I find I can't move, and I feel the blood to my bound appendages start to cut off. Then one last vine sneaks around my throat, brushing lightly against the exposed skin between my shirt collar and my chin. I swallow, apprehensive. I know I said I would hold still, but this is rather creepy.

The vine wraps around my neck and then in an instant the ground drops out from under me, and I'm falling, falling, and dangling from the vine like a noose. Instictively I gasp and try to free my hands to grab at the chokehold. And then there is a small sighing sound in my ears like a puff of breath, and it all disappears.

I blink and roll my eyes around, getting my bearings. I'm standing on the forest floor again. Thank goodness for solid ground. One of my hands is held up still, one is at my throat. I let my raised arm drop slowly, letting reality sink back in. Kurenai is standing there, observing closely. She has broken the jutsu, her hands still making the final seal she used. She isn't smirking, and she isn't upset, either. She's just standing there, with no readable expression, just looking up at me.

I take a deep breath and rub at my throat. "Whoa," is all can say. "Whoa." Uh. I'm at a loss for what I'm supposed to say here. Am I supposed to play it cool or am I supposed to flatter her? I don't know which will help us work together better. Which one does she want? What does she want from me, anyway?

The dark wisps of her hair are teasing her cheeks in the wind. Beyond her thick bangs her eyes are watching me, somber and honest. She blinks once. Maybe she doesn't want anything from me. Maybe she doesn't really care about being honest or being buddies or anything, maybe she just wants me to shut up and leave her alone.

My heart is racing like a thoroughbred, so I plop myself back down under the tree. I take out a new cigarette and light it, gulping in the smoke and holding it in for as long as I can before exhaling. My fingers still feel a little weird from the effects of the jutsu and I fumble with the lighter a bit as I try to tuck it back into my pocket. I look up at the sky through the crisscross of tree limbs overhead and sigh, feeling my muscles relax again. My body feels tired now. I opt for the truth, since I'm too lazy to think up anything better. "That was pretty freaky," I tell her. "The vines were really... real. It felt real, I mean."

She blinks and a smile flickers across her features. Her reply is even and calm. "It has its weaknesses, but with these kinds of enemies, it works pretty well."

I nod, appreciatively. It isn't everyone who can admit that their own skills have weak points or need improvement. Personally it took me much, much too long to get to that point. Guess she's more mature than I am that way. "The falling part was pretty scary. Even though I knew it was just genjutsu."

Her eyes soften. "Almost everyone is afraid of the feel of falling."

"I am, that's for sure." I chuckle, sucking down a long drag. "I hate it." Give me solid ground or trees, please.

Kurenai looks bemused. "Well," she says, straightening and smoothing her outfit back into place, "We should get back to patrol."

"Right," I agree, getting to my feet. "But first..."

"Hmm?" She tilts her head to one side just so, listening.

I pause, choosing my words. _Tread carefully, Asuma. She just got into friendly mode again..._ "About earlier. When you took off like that."

"Yes."

"I don't like that," I tell her. "Let's stick together when we can."

"Fair enough," she agrees, with a good-natured nod. "There are things that I don't like, too."

"Huh?" I grunt, hard-pressed to think of anything I did that was objectionable.

Kurenai puts one manicured hand on her hip, as though preparing to speak candidly. Her voice is mild and civil, but she cuts right to the point. "I don't need you to protect me."

"That's what partners do," I object. That's what I do. That's my whole gig, come on now.

"Okay, then," she agreed. "So if you were with Kakashi, say, would you tell him to get behind you? Would you tell him to stay in the back while you handled the messy part?"

"I didn't say that," I pointed out.

"Not out loud," she frowns. Her eyes express somber disapproval. "But you certainly acted like it."

_What, can she hear my thoughts, too?_ "No," I admit, in answer to her question. "I guess not." Then again, there are a lot of things I wouldn't say to Kakashi, you know? Any way you look at it, people are different. And we react to them differently because of those differences.

Perhaps Kurenai picks up on my train of thought. "I'm not Kakashi," she corrects herself, with a sigh. "I don't have half of his experience or skill. But I can handle myself on a battlefield. If we're going to work together, we have to work _together_."

"Okay," I agree, a little unsure what I'm agreeing to. I scratch my head, confused. Somehow I have a sense of foreboding, like I could easily get myself into hot water here. And hey, someone dying on my watch is definitely on the list of things I don't need to live with.

Kurenai looks up at the moon for a moment and then back at me. "I guess," she begins, and then stops short. She seems irritated, but I can't guess at what. "Forget it. I don't know what I'm trying to say."

I wave a hand in an admissive gesture. "No, no. I think I understand what you mean." And even if I don't, I will bravely say so, because I was raised to be the cowed thing that is called a modern man. You know what I mean. That uncertainty where I stand. I'm not sure if I should open doors for ladies or feel guilty about the urge to do so. And I have a gut feeling this conversation falls somewhere along those lines.

"No. It's okay. Just don't worry about it." Her gaze drops and she bends to adjust the fastening on her sandals. Then conversation time is given its death knell as she announces, "We should go finish patrol."

And so we turn to go and make another sweep of the perimeter. The truth is I'd much rather have just sat under that ancient tree and watched the moon drift through those branches just a bit more. But work is work, work is our lives. Work will cost me my life someday. I guess it's those fleeting moments of rest or enjoyment I wish I could hold onto. A moment in which things are beautiful or perfect just the way they are, and there aren't any major problems or stresses to detract from it.

I've known for a long time that my life isn't my own. It belongs to the village. I borrowed it. When I die it will go back to the village. Yet sometimes, I wonder. I have always wondered, and pushed the limits of that bond, even trying to cut it at times when I was younger. When you get down to it, I bet my life is spent constantly trying to steal a fragment or two back of that lost time.

I remember everything very clearly, even now. It wasn't fun or happy or particularly memorable. Just interesting, just hopelessly normal. The moon's pale glow and the sweet smell of the trees that night, the sound of her voice and the howl and whisper of the wind. That was a moment I wish I could have stolen a bit more of.


	13. first patrol: Kurenai

**first patrol  
**Kurenai

* * *

Sarutobi Asuma and I are running through our sector for the first time. Or should I say, Sarutobi Asuma is running through his sector, and I'm trailing him. So much for teamwork.

This morning he had suggested we should talk about strategy beforehand. He seemed like he really meant it. But then we had each had to go to meet our teams. We hadn't agreed that we would meet and talk as he had suggested, but I had assumed it was happening anyway.

I waited for him around the office for a while, figuring he'd come file the day's paperwork. I checked out his file. Very interesting, by the way. I must say I was rather surprised at the things I read about him. He's much more formidable on paper than in person. There is something funny about that. I don't know a single Konoha shinobi who tries to play down his skill level. The men I know tend to enjoy showing it off out in the open like a bullfighter. When work is your life, rank and prestige are everything. So why on earth is Asuma-- if his file is correct anyway-- why isn't he doing something incredibly elite? He's got the all-important breeding, and the credentials to top it off. I mean, if he pushed, he could surely get a very high position. I don't understand that at all.

After waiting for him for about an hour, I noticed that his cell's paperwork had already been dropped into the in-box. Somehow I had missed him? I asked the reception nin and was informed that he had filed early in the day, right around noon. Annoyed at my own goof and trying to blame it on him, I found my way to his house. I hoped to catch him there and maybe talk a bit like he had suggested. When I got there, no one answered the door. He was sleeping. I could hear him snoring away inside. So much for having a meeting.

So we're making our perimeter check. And things feel weird.

I've been on speaking terms with Asuma for a couple months now. I've walked places with him, invited him in for coffee a few times. I even have had the experience of buying him a beer. We've talked many times. It's always very light, of course. I keep it at small talk. I'm cordial, yeah, but I'm a hard egg to crack. I'd say we're somewhere between aquaintances and friends. Casual work aquaintance friends? But we have never _worked_ together. Somehow I feel that this will be a different subject altogether.

I already have a wary feeling about this. His comments at check-in to the other guys were less than heartening._ Don't worry, I'll handle it if anything happens._ I can already sense a "stick behind me, little lady" sort of aura coming from him. It's subtle, but it's like a warning of future irritation lurking under the surface. Like when you're about to get a pimple and there's that tingle under the skin that won't go away, or the tickle in the back of your throat that signals you're catching a cold.

Why do we have this urge to be bigger or better than something else? If two women are sitting in a room together they automatically start sizing one another up. You know how it is. Mindgames and weighted comments. They have to figure out who is prettier, smarter, more stylish. Even among friends that kind of thing seldom ends. I'm guilty of it, I know. But men are much more outward about all that. If it's two men, they've got to top each other with something. This is on display every night in Konoha's downtown area. Just walk into a bar and you're in the thick of it. Who can drink the most beer. Who can burp the loudest. Who's had the most sex in the last week. Who can kill the most flies with a single senbon. I've seen some really bizarre challenges going on in the name of pride. Men are really strange creatures.

And this man, humble and amiable though he may seem, may have his own pride he's trying to protect. He's running a safe distance ahead of me, on the ground. Perhaps he doesn't like heights, or perhaps he's trying to keep himself from making mistakes in front of me. His pace is steady and careful and I flow easily through the trees behind him. From time to time he checks over one shoulder to mark me. He seems conscious that I'm watching him, conscious of my presence and mood. There's a chance that he is as wary of me as I am of him.

This morning Asuma seemed like being assigned to working with me was a bit of a let-down for him. He's got much more experience as a jounin and he probably expected to be paired with someone equally experienced. Someone big and strong and undoubtable. He probably feels like he'll have to show me the ropes or something. Maybe that's what he's thinking he'll do when we patrol. _Show Cupcake how it's done and make sure she doesn't get a scratch on her, or it's on my manly pride._ As he runs along, broad chest out and cigarette dangling cockily from the side of his mouth, I can almost hear him thinking along those lines. _Leave the messy part to me. I'm a Sarutobi._

I roll my eyes and stifle a snicker. My brain's got a pretty funny impression of his baritone drawl. Luckily the Sarutobi in question doesn't hear. Well, I've had a hard time getting this far, and there's no way I expected it to end when I made jounin. It'll just take some work. I'll have to show him what I'm made of. My parents didn't train me all those years for me to grow up and play set dressing out here. The day I stand back for the boys to handle it again, the way I did when I was younger, is the day I die. And of course I should add, Asuma's not a bad guy. He's just weird. His file confirmed it for me. He's a walking contradiction.

He has really big arms, I notice. Thick. Not like Kakashi's arms, or Gai's. His hands are tucked into the pockets of his low-slung pants, lazy, carefree. I'm not sure if he knows how silly he looks running and smoking at the same time. His thick hair is mussed as usual. Like he forgot to comb it after he slept. I wonder if his hair can do anything else other than the bed-head look. Almost as if he can sense my thoughts, one burly hand goes to his spiky head and he runs his fingers through his hair. The heavy bracelet on his wrist glints in the moonlight.

We have finished our preliminary circuit around the perimeter of Sector E and are now covering ground we've already seen. Asuma is looking bored. "See anything?" I ask him over the wireless, trying to prod him. Stay watchful, now.

"Dead as a doornail here," he replies. His deep voice rumbles in the tiny earpiece. It feels weird to have him talking in my ear. It's so _close_. "You?"

I glance around, surveying the scene in the trees. "Same here," I let him know. The best thing to do is probably to stay in one spot then, and then if any intrusions occur, they'll be easy to spot. If we stay moving around it becomes easier for any enemies entering to hide their activity. "I want to find a good vantage point," I tell him.

He sounds agreeable. "Okay, I'll keep moving around down here and see if I see anything."

"Got it," I reply. I slip away into the trees, searching for the tallest one on the highest ground. The mood is tense tonight. The wind is carrying it, a sort of charged feeling. It makes me feel alert, wary. I lick my lips and remind myself to put on more lip balm when I get a chance. It's cooler than I expected out here. To be honest, I'd much rather be curled up with a cup of hot cocoa and a book than here in the forest. But the trees smell lovely, and the forest is filled with the hush of night and the mournful voice of the wind. I suppose this is the second best thing to being at home.

I find the tallest tree in the area. As I climb to the top, the sky takes my breath away. The rising moon is beaming graciously down on the forest, and an ocean of stars spills over me from overhead. It's so gorgeous I can't do anything but gaze in awe. I find myself wondering if Anko or Hinata can see it how beautiful it is. I bet Hinata likes the night sky. I wish I wasn't looking at this alone. It seems such a waste.

Speaking of not being alone, Asuma chooses that moment to make contact. "Got something," He's trying to keep quiet and so his voice is softened. It makes him sound quite different than his usual everyday tone. "To the southeast, maybe 40, 60 meters from me."

"How many?" I ask, frantically straining my eyes to find his location and any movement.

"Can't tell," he growls. He sounds like he's getting excited. He was probably looking forward to seeing some action. "Movin' in for a closer look."

I spot some movement to the south and so I get there quick. Peering down to the forest floor, I can see moving figures. "Ah-ha. I see them," I report. I keep my voice to a whisper to avoid detection by the units down below. They're not wearing Konoha vests. In fact they're not wearing any insignia on their backs that I can see. In any case, they're in our territory without leave and that makes them enemies.

So I try to get a quick count. "There're a few groups of three... Wait, there are more." Quite a few more, in fact. It looks like a few groups of three are bunched together in a single area. I can also see Asuma from where I am, a shadow lurking in the trees. His vision in the dark of the forest floor is probably not the best. Asuma is only a few paces away from one of the cells. They're sure to notice him and attack any second.

"I'm coming down," I tell him, hoping that he will stay put or get out.

"Traps," he announces. "One, two... at least seven visible. Wires and tags. If you move, be very careful."

Of course I'll be careful. I'm more worried about if he will be. All he needs to do is stumble into a wire or make one bad step and all of those enemies down there will be alerted and on him in no time.

What he needs is a good diversion. At least a diversion is one thing I can definitely handle. "I'll circle around from behind them," I offer, staying low and quiet as I move forward. "We can go from each side."

Asuma doesn't like this idea. Less chance for him to look good? "No, wait! You should get behind me..."

Now I _know_ he didn't just say that.

"...and then we'll go together."

"Do you need help?" I ask him, trying to keep my cool. Come on, Asuma. I know you're a big Sarutobi and former guard of the daimyo and all, but you don't need to play Protect Princess in the field, here. Work with me.

"Nah," he replies. Perish the thought of him needing help! Why would he?

"Neither do I," I return, emphatic. Think about it. "So let's do this."

He makes no response. I'm already on the move anyway. With some quick seals I send two bunshin to the southeast side of the group of unmarked nin. One stays hidden and the other slips through the treetops to peep out at the men below. Yoo-hoo, over here.

Sure enough, they see her and take the bait. "Kunoichi!"

It is as though the magic word has been spoken. A ripple goes through the crowd. Suddenly they're very animated, excited. "Puny bitch! Get her!"

And with that they all charge in a big wave. I smile to myself. Fools.

At this moment Asuma explodes from his position in the brush. He looks quite upset. Perhaps he's afraid that he won't get any hero time? He charges through and gives a terrible shout. The units toward the rear of the enemy group stop and turn to regroup and face him. There are six. I'm sure he can handle six. So I take off to follow along after my bunshin.

One bunshin is leading the pack, moving just slowly enough that they can follow. I make sure she trips on a tree branch here and there, or fumbles for grip as she climbs. This gets them interested, and they follow blindly along. Unfortunately she's leading them in a giant circle. This bunshin is for the purpose of diversion. She's like the carrot dangling in front of a dumb pack animal.

The second bunshin I made is for the purpose of confusion. This one trails along behind the pack. I want to get a good number to fight at once, and that means I've got to split these boys up. From my count there are perhaps ten, eleven men on hand here. I've faced quite a few adversaries at once before-- my average max is around twelve-- but I've got a long night on hand here and my stamina's not the best. Just to play it safe I think it's best to pick some off before I start. There's no way for me to tell the level of these boneheads. I'm assuming it's pretty low, considering how they ran off into unknown territory after an unknown enemy without checking things out first. No decently-ranking shinobi I know runs blindly like that.

Bunshin One hides in the trees and when the enemies catch up, they don't know which way she went. They start guessing. "This way. She went straight, I saw her."

Bunshin Two arrives on the opposite end of the group. She pokes her head out and then hides again. The effect I'm going for is as though she were silly and didn't realize the enemies were there. Oopsie! "Ah, there she is!" cries one of the men. "Slippery little whore."

"No, she's that way," another insists. "She went straight down that path."

Bunshin One waves a hand from her tree as temptation. "See? See, I told you. She's over there."

Now tempers explode among the ranks. Female presence tends to have that effect, after all. Ah, the testosterone is flowing plentifully tonight. "Fine! You guys go that way. I saw her _this_ way, and I'll go _this_ way."

"She went _this way_, I'm telling you."

A shoving match breaks out. "Go that way if you want to! We'll see who gets her!"

"You're gonna feel really stupid when I drag her back with me!"

These guys are killing me. I'm having to work hard to hold in my laughter. I never expected them to be quite this hotheaded. It's pathetic, especially considering the fact that I'm actually in neither direction. They can't guess what's going on? Too bad. They'll be dead before they have time to figure it all out.

Bunshin One occupies her pursuers for a bit for me, leading them again in a wide loop. I'm sure they'll never notice anyway. I turn my attention to Bunshin Two and how best to dispose of the six men chasing after her.

I have her make a figure eight while I survey the territory for anything useful. Speeding ahead of her, I locate a dip in the forest floor beyond some sunken tree roots. Looks like that would be great for trapping them easily. It isn't deep enough to really be a hole, but it's enough that it would take them some time to climb back out of. Yes, this will do nicely.

Bunshin Two leads the enemies in my direction. I position myself directly above and soon six men come tumbling into the hollow after the apparition. They stumble over the roots and each other, landing in a tangle at the bottom. I'm ready for them. Hidden in the trees above, I break Bunshin Two's jutsu and rain kunai down on them. A few of the attackers are quick enough to block with their own weapons, but I catch one in the eye and another in the throat. They're out. A third gets a blade in the abdomen but he doesn't go down.

Next step, then. I begin a series of hand seals. Four left, right? No problem. First I just have to keep them still. I finish the seals and drop some leaves down to catch their eyes. Sure enough, they look up, and the genjutsu begins. The enemies begin to wander around below me, confused and helpless.

What I've done to them is simply give them visual stimulus. Genjutsu is, simply put, tampering with the way the brain interprets information given by the five senses. High-level genjutsu manipulates many or all senses at once. All this jutsu is is visual, so it's pretty simple. With one bunshin out there and another group to handle after this, I don't want to push my chakra control too much this early in the game.

Right now my opponents are finding themselves lost in my illusion. It's hard to explain how to do this, but I'll try my best. It's like being conscious in two places of my mind at once. Have you any idea what I'm getting at? One part of me stays on guard and makes sure I'm doing what I need to to control the jutsu and avoid interruption. And in the back of my mind, I picture what I want to show them with the genjutsu and let it flow out through my chakra into the night air.

The scene is simple, but it seems to be working quite well. _Suddenly everything has gone dark. No moon, no stars. The forest is strange and cold. Everything is moving very slowly. Your body feels heavy and weakened. You shouldn't have dared to come here, into Leaf territory. You're lost, and all alone. The others you came here along with? What others? There's no one else around. No one to help you find your way, no one to hear you scream..._

The four men are helpless and dazed. They gaze around slowly, confused and disoriented. I strike from above with shuriken at their exposed necks. Too easy. Three go down like ducks in a carnival game. To my surprise, however, the last one snaps out of the jutsu and blocks with a kunai. He looks directly up at my perch in the trees. I'm spotted.

He's a big one, this man. Almost two meters tall, hair black as ink and face is weathered with battle scars. This one seems to be stronger than those others were. He was able to break out of the jutsu, after all. Perhaps he was their leader. He's wearing some sort of armor over the chest and shoulders, so I know any hits there will be useless. I send a bunshin down to face him. He slices at it with his blade and it dissipates into smoke and leaves. I leap higher into the treetops, trying to reconceal my position. He follows with a mighty jump, but he hasn't marked my new position yet.

I send five bunshin down in different directions to attack him in order from all sides. Timing is everything in battle. It's more choreography than anything else. The rhythm is essential. I feel it thumping inside my heart and guide my bunshin accordingly in a deadly ballet. One, two, hit, poof, scatter. I get in position behind him whilst he is thus engaged with my lovely accomplices. I will only have one try at this before he spots me. Three and Four are hit and disappear. It's almost my turn. I've got my weapon ready in my hand.

Five charges, and he punches her in the gut, and she's disappearing too. Smoke begins to flow and leaves to scatter. And at this moment, as he is still connecting with the punch, I dive down on him. I grab him by his dirty hair and shove an exploding kunai right through his neck. Letting go, I fall the rest of the way to the ground and dash away in case he falls too. I don't want to get tagged by the blast.

He doesn't have time to fall. The tag attached to the kunai explodes in a ball of flame. _KABOOM. _The sound is most satisfactory. I dust my hands off and bound away, pleased. Time to handle group number two.

My first bunshin has been leading the pack for a few minutes now. When I catch up, they are still charging along after her, tossing projectile weapons with terrible aim. I sigh. Where did they learn how to use these things? I'm sure I know Academy preschoolers with better hit ratios.

Just to shake them up a bit, I let the bunshin cringe as though she has been hit. A raucous cheer goes up from the group and they redouble their chase. My goodness, they're ugly ones, I notice. Dear lord. Let's finish them quickly and put them out of their misery.

I speed toward the front. The men are shouting threats at the bunshin with some pretty filthy language. I wrinkle my nose, disgusted. Scum. I don't think I can do five at once though, as much as I'd love to finish them now. I've got to hold them quietly in place first. Well. We'll give them what they want.

Bunshin One and I speed far enough ahead that we are out of sight. The men keep trailing along blindly. Their pace is slower than what I'd expect so I've bought myself a bit of time. I break off the jutsu for Bunshin One and create a new special bunshin with my mind. First I have to quickly conjure up the image I want. Let's go for the sex appeal, here. Catch them off guard. This bunshin is a wounded and helpless version of me, big shiny eyes and pouting, carnal lips. Poor little baby. Adjust that neckline a bit lower. There. No vest. It'll be a signal to Asuma if he happens by. She looks smaller and weaker without it, anyway.

It's perfect. Finding a clearing nearby, she drops into the shadows at the foot of a tree. Then I scream aloud as though I've been wounded badly. Sure enough, our pursuers are quick to find us, and when they do, they're filled with glee. "Did I get her? I got her!"

The enemy nin crowd around my tree like hungry mongrels. I can practically smell the hormones. Use your opponents' strengths against them, as they say. And in my experience, stupid or weak men fall prey easiest to their own masculinity.

"What should we do with her?" One of the intruders asks. He's short as a tree stump and just about as intelligent-looking. His round eyes are wide and excited, as though by stumbling upon a wounded woman in the forest he's somehow won the lottery.

My bunshin clutches her "injured" leg and whimpers piteously.

Tree Stump continues his musings. "Should we kill her? Or have fun with her first?" Ha, ha. I want to laugh here. _You won't be having so much fun in a moment or two, you filth. _I begin to make seals as the bunshin buys me some time.

An air of titillation rises from the five as this suggestion is made. They begin to close in around the tree. "Yeah!"

"This bitch sure made us chase after her for a while. Let's make sure we have her pay us back for our trouble," one of the group announces. Above, I roll my eyes. _The chase wouldn't have lasted so long if you bozos could hit the broad side of a barn with a projectile._

I'm almost finished with my seals. On "wait," I'll be ready to go. My bunshin sniffles and looks up at them, absolutely precious. What an actress. "No!" she begs, desperate. Really, guys. She's just a sad, lost little kunoichi. Please spare her virtuous body. "No! Please, _wait_."

And now the bunshin snaps her head up and catches their attention fully. The trap has sprung. In this moment I am her and she is me, an extension of body and mind. I hold their attention on her eyes, gazing at them and feeling the pupils dilate and contract again as the jutsu begins. They're caught instantly, mesmerized. I'm so ready for this. I feel myself smiling in anticipation. _Watch closely now, boys, you'll miss the part where you die._

The jutsu anchors them to the ground easily. They're terrified as they imagine that vines sprout and grab their legs. _Hey, guys. If you were so bored that you thought it was going to be fun to brutalize a wounded kunoichi you found in the forest, don't worry. I'll show you a _way _better time._ I grab their necks with the vines in my illusion, squeezing and constricting like a hungry python. All five are crying now and begging for help. I let them taste the fear a bit. _Be careful who you mess with. _Then I drop the ground from under their feet like a gallows trapdoor. And here I go.

I leap down to the ground, kunai ready and tight in each hand. I twist and the blades go out, disembowling each in turn. The blood flies around me and I'm flying with it. One, two, three-four and five, slicing smoothly from breastbone to groin. I twirl, feeling the movement of every muscle in my body as I go. Faster, faster! Slash and slash again for good measure, and I'm finished. I break the jutsu, very refreshed. Hot mess sputters out of their suspended bodies and they shriek, feeling their last pain.

I sigh with satisfaction. Very nicely done. Pretty messy though. I bring out a cloth and mop up a bit, giving myself a rueful shake of the head. _Ah, Kurenai. You can't ever seem to be neat when you work. _I wipe my cheeks and chest. My right arm's red sleeve hides the stains easily, as usual. I wipe the left and then get my sticky hands. Then I notice one last man standing there, at the edge of the clearing.

Asuma is there, staring at me. His face looks quite pale in the moon's waxy light. I take it he's finished off his six adversaries. There's blood sprinkled across his vest, and more left on his arms. He doesn't seem injured or anything, so that's good. He's wearing a weapon that looks like a cross between brass knuckles and knives on each hand. Perhaps that's what he uses to fight? His file hadn't made much mention of his fighting style in detail, it only gave his history and stats. I've never seen a tool like that before. Interesting.

"Asuma," I say, surprised to see him there. Was he watching? I feel a bit bashful, as though someone walked in on me singing loud with the radio or dancing in front of a mirror. You fight differently when you know someone's watching than you do when you're alone, you know. I begin to wonder what he saw, what he thinks I should have done and if he'll talk to other people about me. I don't know if I made mistakes. Did I? I go over my moves in my head. No. I did fine, that was just easy stuff. I'm okay.

But on closer observation I feel that more than critical, the man seems confused, baffled. Dark eyes wide and incredulous, he looks over at me, down to the bodies, and then back to me. The squeamish look on his face makes me feel a prickle of irritation. Is it that much of a shock to see me work? Exactly what is his problem?

His mouth opens as though he wants to say something, but no words come out. Finally he breathes, "Whoa."

I look down and busy myself with cleaning my kunai. I don't like the way I feel, and the way he's looking at me. From the back part of my mind I hear whispers creep back, recollections left over from teenage days and boys long dead or gone.

_Kurenai, you're so weird. Why can't you just do normal stuff like everyone else? God, you're so useless._

_If you always go around with a creepy face like that, no one will ever like you._

_Don't you get it? Guys don't like girls who can do things like that. Guys like cute girls. Sweet girls. Girls they can protect._

My hands feel shaky. I bite my lip and straighten my shoulders, steeling myself. I'm calm. I'm cool. I bid my memories of adolescence to get forgotten again and I focus my concentration on the maintenance of my weaponry. That was then and this is now. I wipe the blade clean and check the cutting edge with my thumb. It's nice and sharp.

Asuma comes two steps nearer. He postures himself and lets out a sigh of smoke. The lilting curl of his breath rises toward the moon. When he finally speaks, it sounds like he's making an effort to sound tough. "Thought you were hurt."

"If I were hurt, I'd use the wireless, " I return, neatly. My first kunai is clean and I replace in in the holster.

"Right," he agrees, as though he had forgotten and was trying to cover it up. "But I wasn't sure."

I begin cleaning the second kunai. "The bunshin wasn't wearing a vest. I hoped you'd get the idea if you saw. I figured the enemies would be too stupid to notice something like that." I guess it didn't work as well as I had hoped, though. Better communication might help. Then again, I'm not the best candidate for good communication, now, am I?

And as a testament to my powers of conversationalism, Asuma comes back with merely a weakened, "Oh."

Cue silence is so thick you could cut it with a battle axe. This isn't quite working out the way I had hoped it would. My jaw feels tight and I'm not sure why. Asuma wipes his knives on his shirt like a slob and shoves them into a pouch on his thigh. Having properly cleaned my second kunai, I slide it into the holster and click the snap shut. But now I find I have inadvertently rid myself of objects with which to busy my hands. _Dammit. _I push my hair out of my eyes and then settle for folding my arms over my chest. My eyes dart around the shadows for any sign of more intruders. If we could hurry up and get back to patrol, I'd feel much more comfortable.

Yet Asuma seems to decide he wants to chat. Lucky me. "Genjutsu?" he asks. "Was that genjutsu?"

"Yes," I tell him, unsure where this is going. Isn't it obvious what it was? I'm not arranging flowers out here.

"I didn't know you could use genjutsu," he confesses, scratching his head and making his spiky hair even messier. "That's interesting."

I raise an eyebrow. Somehow he's got the false tone of a kid whose mother has commanded him to go dance with a wallflower girl at a party. "It's in my file," I remind him. It's common knowledge. No secret or anything.

"Right," he says, and he chuckles carelessly. "But who ever reads those?"

"_I_ do," I return. _That's part of our job! _I look down at my nails, trying to fight my growing aggravation. "I took the time to read yours." _In fact, I read it today while waiting for you to show up to a meeting you suggested but never planned and ended up sleeping right through!_

"Oh." Asuma flinches and takes a step back. He looks away and takes a long drag of his cigarette. His shoulders slump in a way that makes him look forlorn, even sad.

Now I've done it.

I feel irritated and sorry at the same time. I guess I could cut Asuma a bit of slack. He probably hadn't bargained for any of this. I was sure that they would give him a lousy assignment after he fell asleep in the meeting. What I hadn't expected was that his "lousy assignment" would be _me_. That was a blow to the pride that I definitely hadn't enjoyed. It's possible that I'm taking it out on him.

Why do I always have to be so testy? Even as it's happening I can feel it, and I don't like it, but sometimes I just can't stop it. It dribbles out of me like too much hot sauce from the bottle. And then I'm left staring at my plate of conversational scrambled eggs, feeling very upset because I've ruined them. There is no rewind on human relations, unfortunately. Just like there is no rewind on these five enemy nin lying on the ground before me. They're ruined and done for, and nothing can bring them back again. I feel that somehow I've been at this place many times, staring at a pile of bloody mess and wondering where I've gone wrong. I'm good at taking things apart, but I don't have much experience with putting things back together.

And I can still hear their voices. _Kurenai, you're so weird._

Well, at least they were right about one thing. I smile darkly to myself.

"Kurenai," Asuma says presently.

"Hmm." I answer, without thinking. I can't take my eyes off of the blood pooled around my feet. My voice is flat and dull in my own ears. "Mm. Right. We should get back to patrol."

"Well, either that..." Asuma is holding his cigarette in his hand and examining my face closely. His brown eyes show a trace of mild concern. "Or can we at least relocate this sorry attempt at a conversation-- a little ways that way or something?" He smiles dryly and jerks his head away from the gore strewn about the ground.

I'm so caught off guard by this that I almost laugh. He's a killer and he's uncomfortable standing here with corspes. For some reason this strikes me as entertaining. He really is so weird. "All right," I agree.

I step away from the haplessly departed individuals on the ground and follow after him. There's a peaceful little moonlit hollow just beyond the trees. Above us the needles and leaves make a cathedral ceiling of scent and sound. Cedar and pine mix with the smoke of Asuma's cigarette and tease my nose. The forest floor is soft underfoot with dusty leaves and spongy moss. Wind moans and whispers in the treetops high, high overhead as though trying to say something, but it cannot reach us here in the shelter of the forest floor. Down here where we are, there is a hush all around. "Here's good," Asuma announces, and flops himself unceremoniously onto the ground beneath a massive tree.

I nod my head and keep a weather eye on him, unsure what his intentions are. I hope he doesn't plan on taking a nap or something. We've been still long enough, after all. This being something we're being paid for, I don't feel right slacking off. If there's anything I dislike, it is a slacker.

He starts digging around for something in his packs, holding his right arm out at an unusual angle. I then realize that he's been injured on his forearm. "How did that happen?" I ask him, indicating his wound. I can't tell how bad it is, but he seems calm and under control, so I leave it to his judgement.

"Eh, it was a chain sickle," he informs me. He searches the pockets of his vest. "Don't worry, it's not deep."

"I wasn't worried," I correct him. "You look fine to me." If you want a pity party, you've come to the wrong place. I'm not one of those girls who gets a kick out of playing nurse to injured guys. Suck it up and don't get hit next time. That's just about all you'll get from me.

Asuma snorts, but he doesn't seem to disapprove. In fact, he seems like he finds this funny. He's smiling. I feel myself smile a little too.

He's still looking through his pouches. I figure he must be looking for some gauze with which to wrap his injury. I wonder why he hasn't got it properly packed in his first aid pocket of his vest like he's supposed to. It's standard procedure-- and we even initialed on the release form at check-in that we had all of our equipment with us. I sincerely hope this isn't a habit of his. That'd be sure to drive me nuts. I get out my roll of bandages with a sigh. Good thing one of us is prepared.

Sure enough, the next thing out of his mouth is, "Got anything in the way of bandages on you?"

I fire the small white roll at him. Hope he remembers to buy me a new one to replace it.

Asuma snatches the gauze out of the air with impressive reflexes. "Oh. Hey. Thanks." He rubs out his smoke and then he does something I'm not at all prepared for. Not at all.

With his left hand, Asuma unwraps the white banding he wears over the middle of his forearms. It isn't that that's the problem, though, no. The problem starts when he proceeds to roll his long-sleeved shirt up past the shoulder. Asuma always wears his shirts loose and baggy, so I've never really gotten an idea just what's underneath. And that's a good thing, too, as I'm about to find out.

I try not to look. I fail. Then I try not to stare. I fail that, too. With every roll of his sleeve upward, I'm exposed to more and more of just how thick Asuma's arms really are. Good lord, they're like tree limbs. He's got muscles like I've never seen on any of the other men I know. Not so big that they're unnatural, like an anatomy chart with bulging veins or anything, but definitely more brawn there than the average slim and trim, built-for-speed shinobi. They're toned and nicely defined, from what I can see in the dim light. Not bad. Very not bad.

"Genjutsu, huh," Asuma muses aloud to no one in particular. He wipes his blood up with the sleeve of his shirt and proceeds to do one of the most clumsy wrapping jobs I've ever witnessed. Is he trying to tease me or something? It's so bad that it's almost like he's making an effort to mess it up so that I'll be tempted to stop him and do it the right way. Well, no deal. I am after all, as some of my chuunin co-workers used to call me, The Ice Cube. Yuuhi Kurenai is a woman of composure. She is not one to swoon over every nicely muscled arm that comes her way, no matter how sturdy or potent.

He looks up suddenly. "What kind of genjutsu was it?" he wonders. His voice rises a bit at the end. The effect is a little boyish, almost shy. "If it's okay to ask."

I blink at this, my attention torn away from his solid tricep. "It was just simple stuff, really." What an unusual question. Why does he want to know?

"I hadn't seen that before," he tells me, thoughtful. There's a flicker of interest in his dark eyes.

"You seem curious," I observe.

He grips the bandage in his teeth as he ties it. My ears grow hot for an unknown reason. Oblivious to me or my ear problems, Asuma continues the conversation anyway. "Yeah, maybe. Genjutsu isn't something I've seen a lot of. And everyone has a different style." With that he ties his bandage off. But he doesn't bother to roll his damn sleeve back down.

Well, if it's genjutsu he wants to see, that's something I can definitely help him out with. I feel a devious little gear begin turning in my head. I run my fingers through my hair and look away, nonchalant. "I could show you if you want," I let him know.

Asuma's face goes pale in response and he looks like he's swallowed something bad. He starts to shake his head to say no. I smirk. So he is afraid. _Hah. Take that._

I'm inwardly celebrating my revenge for that arm business when he speaks up again. "Sure, I'm game."

This takes me quite by surprise. I'm still trying to gather what is going on when he stands to his full height and stretches. I find myself looking up, up, up. How tall is he, anyway? He's huge. When he stands near me, I truly feel my smallness.

I blink my eyes and attempt to recompose. With a sniff and a proud toss of my hair, The Ice Cube is ready to go. "All right, then." _Hear me, Sarutobi? That's your cue to chicken out._

"Go for it," he says, cool as a cucumber. "I'm ready."

Ack. Something about this doesn't seem right. I guess I expected him to say no and that would be it. He's really that curious about what happens during my genjutsu? I feel a nagging feeling from my conscience, but it's a bit too late for me to back out now. "Just hold still," I ask of him, as I move closer. If he tries to fight during the jutsu he has a chance of hurting me or himself.

"Will do," Asuma answers, smoothly. He looks down at me with no flinch or protest. His eyes are the color of cold black coffee, with a crinkle at the edges. The right corner of his mouth twitches twice as I watch. I am unable to tell if this is a sign of mirth or of nerves. Perhaps he just wants a new cigarette.

I feel a drop of guilt and I'm not sure I should go on. When I speak, my voice comes out softer than I intended. "I won't... do anything to you, don't worry. "

"I'm not worried," he grins, serving my own words right back to me. His teeth peek out from behind his grin, shine white at me in the deep shadows. The slyness in his reply is heartening. My lips spread into a slow smile too. I like his answer.

"Here I go," I tell him.

The jutsu isn't a special one or an advanced technique or anything. It's the same one I used during the previous battle. As I make the seals I watch him closely. It isn't often that I use my techniques on someone I'm leaving alive. I want to make sure nothing goes wrong.

Asuma's sepia gaze is trained on mine. He must have guessed that I mainly start jutsu by using my eyes. The expression on his face is soft and serious, his brow relaxed, his lips calm. I am impressed by how much he trusts me. I wonder why he feels it's all right to let me into his mind. I wonder if he extends this kind of trust to other people as easily. If he does, he's an idiot. If this were the other way around, I'd never agree to it.

His eyes are deep in the shadows of the forest. I can feel my chakra flowing out of me and connecting with him. I can sense his chakra tingling below the surface of his own control. It's sharp but subdued, a still mass. It seems heavy, like a hot air pressure front kept at bay.

I twirl my vines out of the ground in Asuma's mind, shaping them with my thoughts. The tendrils are soft and cool, soothing to the touch like silken threads. They wrap securely around his legs and left wrist-- careful with that injured right arm, though. Now they're holding him fast, holding him in place so that he can't get away. Here's the part where the victim usually struggles. But not Asuma. He stands there steadfast, not closing his eyes and not breaking himself out of the jutsu by stopping his chakra flow. I can feel him quieting his body, telling his muscles not to move as they feel they should. He's got some remarkable control skills, I realize.

My last vine creeps up on him ever so slowly. This is the part where I usually drag it out a bit. The victim has time to watch and feel the fear ride them to a climax. Asuma is eyeing the last vine with trepidation, but he isn't moving. The vine slithers up the curves of his bare right arm, across his shoulder and slips silently around his neck. The leaves caress the skin of his throat like fingers, teasingly. He swallows hard.

It is at this point that I notice my cheeks are warm.

Suddenly this seems like it's going a little too far for me to be comfortable with. It doesn't feel like simply killing, the way it usually does. This has been one of my favorite scenarios for finishing groups of enemies off for a long time, but right now, now that it's just Asuma and me, it's not the same. I can see my reflection in the liquid of his eyes, feel the sensation of his chakra flow, his breath and heartbeat... it's awfully intimate. I feel too close to him.

I had better finish this. I wrap his neck and drop the ground. In the illusion, he falls and the vine catches him around the throat. The vine acts as a noose, choking him. He hangs, he struggles for a split second, but I don't have the heart to let this go any longer. I break the jutsu quickly before he needs to struggle any more.

Asuma's eyes clear. He is left just standing there, looking completely lost. I search his face closely. He blinks a few times and looks around him, as though he is trying to remember where he is. He puts a hand to his throat. "Whoa," he says softly, trying to catch his breath. His voice is husky and dry. "Whoa."

I feel unsure, uneasy. I don't know how much he understood. I don't know how much he saw of me behind the genjutsu. I have the feeling I've shown him too much of myself. Maybe I should have chosen something a little more general. He'd never know if it was the same as what I'd used in my battle earlier. I'm not sure what he'll say now. He might criticize me, or he might try to flatter me too much. It's likely he'll try to play it off that he wasn't afraid. Big guys like him usually go for the macho tough guy act, after all. I wait silently and observe him, wondering what he'll do.

Asuma lets himself fall to the ground beneath a tree again. He lights up a cigarette as fast as his unsteady fingers will let him and sucks on it like it's his last ever. As he does so, it's like I can feel the moments ticking in my head like a stopwatch. Presently he looks up at the moon and sighs a cloud of health-hazardous haze into the air. "That was pretty freaky," he declares at length. "The vines were really... real. It felt _real_, I mean."

Relief washes over me. Not only does he seem to be all right, but this approval from him makes me feel just a tiny bit encouraged. I'm sure he's seen quite a bit during his career, after all. His lack of either uninvited criticism or overly flattering comments pleases me-- I find both immensely irritating. "It has its weaknesses," I admit, with a small smile, "but with these kinds of enemies, it works pretty well."

He nods, not unkindly. "The falling part was pretty scary," he confesses. "Even though I knew it was just genjutsu." This is unexpected, to say the least. I don't think most men are able to easily admit fear of something. I regard him soberly. I'm touched, and at the same time I have to wonder why he's being so honest.

"Almost everyone is afraid of the feel of falling," I tell him. Including me, when it's not by my own control. Yet notice I'm not able to tell him so directly. I suppose he's much more mature than I am in that respect.

"I am, that's for sure," he snorts and pauses to give a puff on his cigarette. He breathes out slowly, lets the smoke trail upwards past his messy hair on its way to the sky. "I hate it."

I feel mild amusement. But duty calls. "Well. We should get back to patrol."

"Right," he agrees. He climbs to his feet with a little groan of effort. "But first?"

"Hmm?" I respond, mildly curious what he has to say.

Asuma straightens and rubs his shoulder. His brow is knitted with thought as he speaks. "About earlier. When you took off like that."

"Yes?" I acknowledge, wary of what will come next.

"I don't like that," he says. His speech is slow and deliberate. He really doesn't quickly offer his opinion without consideration, I notice. That's unusual. I don't know many people like that. "Let's stick together when we can."

"Fair enough," I agree with him, blithely. But if we're going to be frank, it will have to be a two-way street. "There are things that I don't like, too."

"Huh?" He blinks, surprised. _What? But I didn't do anything,_ his face seems to declare.

"I don't need you to protect me," I inform him, calmly.

"That's what partners do," he tells me, with a shrug. His lower lip presses upward into the beginning of either a frown or a pout. I suppose he doesn't like being criticized. Then again, who does?

"Ah. Okay then," I nod, drawing out an example. "So if you were with Kakashi, say, would you tell him to get behind you? Would you tell him to stay in the back while you handled the messy part?"

"I didn't say that," Asuma says slowly, his eyes wide.

"Not out loud," I admit. "But you certainly acted like it."

He sighs and gives up. "No," he says. "I guess not." He doesn't look as though he really agrees with me, it looks like more of a case of he's saying what I want to hear just to shut me up. His expression is displeased, as though he wishes he hadn't brought up anything in the first place.

I realize that what I've said could be taken the wrong way. "I'm not Kakashi. I don't have half of his experience or skill," I backtrack, hoping to find the words to make him understand what I want him to. "But I can handle myself on a battlefield. If we're going to work together, we have to work _together_."

"Okay," he agrees, even though it is painfully obvious that I just made absolutely no sense to either of us. A question mark is practically written right on his face.

"I guess..." I try to explain. It feels like an eternity passes while I hesitate for the right words to come together. There must be something I can say that will verbalize my feelings on the subject better than _I'm not Cupcake_. But words are failing me as usual and god, I want a cold beer all of a sudden.

Meanwhile Asuma is looking down at me with a knit to his brows that says he is feeling quite out of his element. _Women? With feelings?_ His posture reads intimidated. And I realize then that maybe what he wants most is not to be honest or to work well together, but for me to just shut up and leave him alone.

So I back down for now. It's simpler that way. "Just forget it. I don't know what I'm trying to say."

Asuma blinks and tries to wave away my statement. "No, no. I think I understand what you mean," he says, but it is obvious he is only saying this because he feels he should. He has this bewildered look to his face that says he has no clue what I'm on about. I feel stupid for even trying.

So I turn away, forcing my voice to sound breezy. "No. It's okay. Just don't worry about it." My sandals feel loose. I crouch down and tighten them methodically. First the right, then the left. I stand again but I don't turn back to face him. I feel too shy, embarrassed for the things I've said, or tried to say. I have a tendency to make things too complicated and it appears that I have succeeded in doing so yet again. Hopefully he will forget about all of this soon. It _is_ Asuma we're talking about, so that shouldn't be too big of a favor to ask, right? With any luck he may have even have forgotten already. "We should go finish patrol."

I really don't know about how this partnership will work out. It feels so awkward. Maybe I should have been with someone else. If they were going for a balance, I could have been with Gai and we'd have another taijutsu-genjutsu combo to back each other up with. Then again, Gai and I were partners, lord knows Asuma and Kakashi would go slacking and goofing off in the forest together. They'd probably even forget to come back. As a matter of fact, they'd probably exist there quite happily for some time until they ran out of porn or cigarettes, whichever came first.

All right, all right. So even I have to admit, there's probably a reason that the groups were made this way. I'd bet whoever made the pairings was thinking about that from the start, even. And who's to say being with Gai would be any easier? I have no idea how well we'd get along. It might be even more uncomfortable with someone else. I press my lips together, disappointed with myself. I really have to learn how to work with people better.

My world is very small, when you think about it. My job is dangerous but it's all I know-- and all my parents and grandparents knew before me. I don't see much outside of my own village. I have never really felt a desire to. It's just not in me. I like my world small and neatly organized. The unpredictable and uncontrollable things in life throw me for a loop and ruin my neatly planned schedules. Unpredictable things are not fun for me. Uncontrollable feelings are ones I'd rather not feel. Being close to other people is dangerous sometimes, when you think of it. It opens up a whole new realm of situations in which things can go wrong.

I feel uncomfortable putting myself in a position that makes me vulnerable to other people. Maybe that's why I like genjutsu. Maybe that's why I like tying people up with things _during_ genjutsu, for that matter. God, I'm twisted. And maybe, maybe that was why I wasn't too keen on this two-person partner patrol thing. In a larger group it's much easier to blend in. In a group of three I'd follow my time-tested strategy of letting One and Two play off of each other and I'd be the aloof third. Two feels uncomfortable, vulnerable. Alone together. If you have a problem or things go sour, then you're stuck.

Soon we are running through the trees again. In the treetops the wind howls and tears at my limbs as I course along. There is something that physical exercise does to wear away at stress and worries. Nature helps, too. I felt the nagging of my mind quiet as I trailed along behind Asuma. I focused on the red Konoha circle on the back of his vest and just moved towards it, and the rest sort of fell into place. Sometimes when I'm upset or uneasy about things, something that seems like a big deal turns out to be something that really didn't matter at all. I hope this would eventually become one of those cases.

It wasn't anything big. Just normal stuff that I usually worry about. You know, stilted conversations, botched battles of wills, and the like. Those sorts of things often bother me for a while after they happen. I think that's the mark of being both an introvert and a perfectionist. My brain mulls over the small details too much and what I should have done here or could have said there to fix the problems even after it's too late.

But as I was about to find out, in comparison to things to come, things like this-- these were trivial and stupid things for me to have the luxury of feeling uneasy over.

* * *

**Note from author:** So, um, how is it? What do you think so far? Comments, reactions, feedback, constructive criticism are all very welcome. So far I've been able to improve things a lot and make some good edits and repairs because of feedback from readers. Thanks to those readers and their honest (and kind, kindness is important) helpful comments.

I'm interested to hear if you think people are in or out of character. How do you feel about the characters' development? Do the characters think to themselves too much? Also, were there any lines that stood out to you as particularly good or bad? Do I have any bad writing habits or anything I do that is too repetitive? Is there anything that feels particularly strong or weak? If you liked or dislike the story, I'm interested to hear why or what strikes you about it or stays in your mind. Feel free to give me your thoughts!


	14. push

**push  
**Asuma

* * *

So it was only a few days later when I'm chilling in front of the Amaguri-Ama with the team and as luck would have it, I looked up to see a brown messenger bird flying overhead.

And they called another meeting. Lucky me.

The Chuunin Exams were announced, way earlier than schedule. It would seem that something weird was going on, what with this and the increase of enemy activity and stuff. For some reason, the other villages already knew about this, even though it's being hosted by us. So we had to change our schedule. We should have been more suspicious, but it didn't occur to anybody, I guess. I have no idea why.

Of course I nominated my team. Kakashi and Kurenai did as well. I wasn't surprised. Their kids are pretty skilled for academy graduates, and probably better than mine, from what I've heard. The genin this year are really something.

To get the kids ready in the short timeframe, we proctoring jounin were abruptly taken off of patrol duty and told to train the kids harder. I don't really think that'll help much. They need more time. But whatever. I guess I'll just have to have faith in them.

I think they can pull through if they stop whining. I mean, I can cajole and joke and use dirty tactics to trick them into working and sticking together as much as I want, but if they can't do it when I'm not around, they're dead meat.

I don't really like the thought of that. I only have one week. I'll push them as hard I can. The rest is up to them.

It was evening of the third day of our big push, and the sun was melting away slowly beyond the western horizon. Under a hazy, dusky orange sky, the rooftops of Konoha below reflected its fiery hues. The air was smoky and warm, the breeze gentle. Above, the swallows were hurrying about to feed their young before dark, twirling in the air above with their forked tails and white bellies. A dog was barking persistently somewhere and from a window nearby, someone was practicing the piano.

From the rooftop of the library, here, you could see for miles in any direction. I breathed out, letting my breath puff and watching it rise high into the air. The cement ledge I had been sitting on wasn't very forgiving to the posterior, so I eased myself to my feet.

Ino was seated near me, on an old crate. She was inspecting the damage done to her nails during the day's training, it seemed. She looked up at me when I moved, her sharp blue eyes alert to my movements. She's got good reflexes.

I sighed. She shrugged in response.

"Where are those two?" I asked her.

"I told them five, just like you said," she reported.

I looked at my watch. "It's almost quarter till six. What are they doing?"

Ino looked away, and gave a toss of her sleek hair. "I don't know," she said. Her voice dropped a note as she spoke. It was easy to see that she didn't like being the one left out.

Ino hates being left out of anything. This makes it tough because at this age, kids change more and more every day. Kids who have known each other since diapers suddenly find themselves divided as personalities change and gender differences become more and more apparent. It's tough, especially for the odd one out in a group. As Ino becomes more and more fascinated with the world of what she imagines being a teenage girl is, she is finding herself becoming more and more "the enemy" to her babyhood friends.

I exhaled, remembering the day's events and bickering outbursts. I get a distinct feeling that somehow as Shikamaru and Ino become more and more different from each other, the boy is feeling a distinct dislike of the difference. He pushes her away because of this. Ino's "girlish" behavior only escalates in response. It's a defense mechanism for extroverts, you know. If you feel rejection coming on because of something about you, play it up and push past it. Unfortunately, she's kind of making her own problem worse by doing so.

I sighed again and scratched my head under my bandanna. "Well, whatever it is, they better have a good excuse."

The girl stared right into the center of the sun, shielding her eyes with slender fingers. The warm glow bathed her skin in vermilion and rose. She stood that way in silent reflection for a while, unmoving. A moment or two passed. I pondered the jumble of rooftops and smoky chimneys. So many houses, so many people pushed together in one small space.

I heard Ino sigh, once. It seemed there was a lot of weight in that one little exhale.

I rubbed my chin. Life is really tough at twelve. I think girls have it much, much worse than boys. So many changes and so many issues. I've known Ino to mention things that I really didn't think a twelve-year-old should be worrying about. Things like diet pills, body piercing, where to buy the cutest "sexy" lingerie. Kids grew up fast in my day, too, but in a different way, I suppose. I think that my generation was too busy to bother about a lot of things.

I dropped my eyes to our feet, contemplating. Her feet were so small compared to mine that it was embarrassing for me. Her little toes were painted with sparkly light blue polish that's been flaked off around the edges. The baby blue reminded me of the flat clean hue of her eyes.

Ino's eyes are like the color of clean soap and bathwater. When I look at them, it's really hard to see the teenager bursting to get out of her own childhood, the part of her that sometimes drives me to my last nerve. When you look deep into Ino's eyes, she's just a baby, really. Just innocent and inexperienced and sometimes really clumsy. She wants attention and doesn't always know the best way of getting it, so she prods and pushes and pulls. She wants to be important. I guess we all kind of do.

Suddenly Ino dropped her hand and gave me a shrug and a pleasant, careless smile. "Come on, Asuma-sensei. Let's go on ahead. They'll catch up when they do."

I ran my fingers through my hair and sniffed. "Yeah, okay."

Her smile brightened when I accepted. I guess I had done the right thing? She grabbed my arm, happy. "Yeah," she repeated. "Let's go have fun without them." It sounded almost as if she were trying to convince herself.

"Whoa, watch that right arm," I cautioned against her tugging, taking my cigarette out of my mouth with my left hand at the twinge of pain. "Ow."

Ino stopped and blinked up at me. "Oh, right, your injury. Sorry, Sensei. I forgot."

I patted my arm where the sickle had sliced me the other night on patrol. "It's _tender_," I let her know, in a joking tone.

"Right," she said, and she gave me a little pat where my shirt above the upper forearm was mended with messy little stitches. She turned and jumped down from the roof, shimmied down the library building's drainpipe system. "Your sewing is terrible, by the way."

I snorted. "Yeah, I know. That's why I'm not a tailor." I followed after her, slipping to the street below.

"My mom could sew it for you next time," she offered, as we headed for the restaurant. "Or for that matter, I bet _I_ could do a better job than that."

"It's cool," I told her. I have lots of shirts. "But thanks."

The outside of the Yakiniku Q restaurant smelled mouth-watering as usual. This is because just like any good barbeque place, there are big ducts over the tables to blow the smoke outside, and these fans inadvertently let everyone outside smell exactly what's happening inside. I think this is one of the key factors of the goodness of yakiniku. It's all about that aroma of charcoal and meat. Who couldn't love it? It's a primal instinct. Put together with beer and perhaps even some contact with the opposite sex, and then a good night's sleep, and man has created something which can satisy all of his urges in one really delicious sweep.

"Smells so good!" Ino announced, pushing the door open. The bells tied on the inside of the door announced our entry.

"Weren't you just lecturing us all about dieting at lunch?" I remarked, raising an eyebrow. Behind the counter, a couple of cooks looked out from the kitchen to welcome us.

"Yakiniku is good for your skin," she informed me.

"Oh really." I blinked briefly as my eyes adjusted to the darkness inside.

"Yeah. It's good for your collagen." she reported. "I read it in a magazine."

"I see." I didn't believe this for a second. I wondered why Ino did. Sounded like a load of bull to me. Maybe I should make my own magazine for girls. I'll call it, _Quit Reading This Drivel And Go Train._

The air was quite heavy with the smell of dinner. Dinner I had been waiting for for almost an hour by now, and my stomach was definitely ready for a good meal. To tell the truth, I had been waiting for dinner all day, promising myself that if I could just get these kids through a day of hard work, then I'd eat and rest and the next day would be its own battle. It had been a rough mission to handle, but I had succeeded somehow or other and here was my reward. Good job, self. Let's eat and sleep.

Ino was already choosing a table. "Here. No wait, here. By the window. This one's good."

"Oh yeah?" I asked, absently, eyeing the painted scrolls hung on the wall. A few of the tables were occupied with customers already, but there were still plenty of open spots for us and no need to rush. I followed along at my own pace, hands in my pockets, as she flitted around between the tables and booths.

"Here!" she announced brightly, sitting herself down at her table of choice. She motioned to the seat opposite. "You sit here."

I sat as directed. It comes from being in the flower business, perhaps. Ino's got this habit of having to arrange everything to taste. Sometimes I get the feeling we're all part of her own personal decoration project. "Is this because of the smoke again?"

"Yeah," she agreed, pointing to the fan behind her which was sure to blow all of the table grill's smoke away from her. "It's gross to go home smelling like garlic and barbeque. What if a cute guy noticed!"

I snickered and pulled the ashtray over to tap off. "I bet he'd find it attractive. You should try it on 'Sasuke-kun'."

"Please." At this the blonde rolled her eyes. "I think you're just about the only man who would like a girl who smells like beef."

"Chouji would love it."

"Chouji doesn't count." Ino proclaimed. "He'd probably try to eat my arm anyway."

I chuckled. Ino drummed her fingers on the table. "Anyway. I look better in the lighting on this side, in the sun. You look better in the lighting on that side."

"In the dark corner, right?" I looked around my chair and took a long drag of my smoke. "To hide my face." In Ino's living flower arrangement, I wonder what kind of miserable flower I make. I have a feeling I'd get pushed to the back of the bouquet.

Ino snorted. "That's one positive effect, yeah." I grinned and inspected the menu. She looked up at me, played with her earrings. "I was just kidding, Sensei. You're not ugly."

"That's not what you said earlier this week," I reminded her, eyeing the beer list and avoiding her sharp azure gaze.

"I was mad at you," she let me know. "Because you snuck up on me in the bushes and scared me to pieces."

"That's what the idea of the training was," I replied. "You were supposed to figure out where I was coming from and set a trap. But instead, you--"

Ino sighed, petulant. "You know, I was_ trying _to give you a compliment!"

I was starting to make her mad, I could see. With just the two of us here for now, the last thing I really needed was a stormy Ino on my hands. So I put down the menu and folded my hands, prepared to placate. "Sorry. Please go on."

"You look cooler in the shadows," she pronounced with an all knowing air. "I think your best lighting is lower-watt incandescent lamplight from above and to the right. Just like right now."

"Well, thank you," I said, cordially. "That's very useful information. I'll remember that for my next photo shoot."

Ino rolled her eyes. "You're so weird, Sensei."

"You're the one telling me which light I look best in, Ino Dear."

"Don't call me dear, you big dork," she laughed. Then she got up from the table. "I'm going to the bathroom."

I knocked the ash from my smoke into the waiting ashtray. Outside the window the sun had slipped beyond the horizon and the sky was blushing lavender and blue. Streetlights outside were flickering on one by one in the twilight air. The waiter came and I ordered a beer for me and Ino's usual iced tea. Other people in the restaurant were talking and laughing, just enough so that it wasn't too quiet or too loud. I felt quite at ease.

Ino came back to the table. "Sensei."

I looked up. "Huh."

She sat down and leaned forward, keeping her voice low. "Sensei, don't look now, but, those girls over there by the bathroom door. See them?"

"Yeah?" I grunted, glancing over her. There was a table of three women who looked around my age, possibly a little younger.

"Shh. They're checking you out." she whispered.

"What?" I said aloud. Was she crazy? "What makes you think that?"

"I heard them when I walked by," she reported, her voice low and eager. "They said they thought you were pretty cute and they were wondering if you were available."

Some giggles rose from the direction of said table. Indeed, all three of the young kunoichi seated there were eyeing us coyly. I exhaled slowly, letting a ribbon of smoke trickle upwards to the ceiling.

"Well?" Ino prodded. "Aren't you going to do anything?"

I scratched the back of my neck. "Like what?"

"Go over and talk to them! Silly!" she hissed. "Hello! They're pretty hot and they're the right age for you."

Oh geez. My cigarette had winded down to the filter and I rubbed it out in the ashtray. "Nahh."

"Look, the one with the red hair is so pretty. And their clothes are really cute." Ino pressed. "Don't you think they're attractive? Sexy?"

I took one quick glance at the three giggly women. Lots of teased hair, lots of fishnet, and way too many accessories. "Not particularly."

"Come on, we need to get you a girlfriend, Asuma-sensei." Ino told me with a sympathetic look in her eyes.

"I didn't realize I was in the market," I grinned, as our drinks were delivered to the table by the waiter.

"You're already _old_," she told me. "You're like almost forty."

"I'm twenty-seven!" I laughed out loud. Forty! My god, I need to start wearing sunscreen or something.

"Whatever. Don't you want to settle down?" she asked, emptying a packet of low-calorie sweetener into her iced tea and stirring it with a straw.

"Whoa, there. Settling down isn't exactly one of the perks of this kind of job," I pointed out, waving a hand. What, is she digging my grave? "And I don't plan on retiring from active duty at all."

"Ever?" Ino asked, her pale eyebrows knitting in a distressed sort of manner. "But you're so _lazy_. You seem like you're just dying to retire."

Now I couldn't help a little laugh. "Oh yeah?"

"You should have a store or something like my dad. I've heard you could just live off your family's money if you wanted to--"

This elicited a sharp look from me. "Ino."

"What?" she looked up at me, innocent of trampling on any nerves.

"I like working," I emphasized. "I like my job now. I like my life now. That's all."

"S-sorry," she murmured, seeming to understand that she had said a bit too much.

"It's cool," I shrugged, looking out the window at the village. I forget trangressions quickly, after all. The light ones are easily forgiven. I pulled out a new smoke from my pack.

Ino smiled mischeviously and sipped on her iced tea, her eyes dancing. "But seriously, Asuma-sensei. We should find you a nice girlfriend."

"Who is this 'we'?" I replied smoothly, taking out my lighter. Since when has this become such a big deal to my little bandage-bound pupil? I wonder where this is coming from. Has she seen some new movie or something that's gotten it into her head? I hope to god she isn't reading those awful romance novels my sisters used to read. "Why is this coming up all of a sudden?"

"It's important," she insisted, folding her hands on the table in a business-like manner. She gazed up at me with something akin to fondness. "You're a nice guy. You should be happy."

Chuckling, I lit up my new cigarette. "That's kind of you to say, Ino. But I _am_ happy."

"I have a cousin on my father's side I could hook you up with," Ino offered. "She's 24 and just gorgeous."

I flinched. Pleasegodno. "She anything like you?"

"Yeah, we're a lot alike personality-wise."

Over the top of my beer I cracked her a teasing smile. "No, thanks."

"Hardy har," Ino said, sticking her tongue out at me. She emptied another packet of sweetener into her tea. "Well, at least tell me. What's your type?"

Whoa, she was really sweating me today. "I feel like I'm being interrogated, here. Have you been hanging around with the Special Forces team?" I regarded her with a raised eyebrow. "Maybe you've found a field you could really excel in."

"What color hair do you like?" Ino pressed. "Blonde? Black? Brunette? Redhead? Long hair? Short hair?"

"Ino..." I groaned. "Where are you going with this?"

"Just tell me," she pleaded. "I really, really want to kno-ow."

Oh, man. She was going for two syllables. I rolled my eyes, having reached the beginning of irritated. "Cut it out, Ino. That whiny thing doesn't work on me. I'm not your Daddy."

"So just tell me," she begged, her hands folded over her little chest. "I'm curious. I want to know what you think about girls, Asuma-sensei."

I took a big swig of beer to collect my thoughts. When I had put my glass back down on the table, I eyed her with careful scrutiny. Ino was leaning forward, her eyebrows were tilted slightly up in the center, expectant. Her hands over her heart, her blue eyes bright and snapping, somehow the girl seemed like her whole self at this moment was hanging on what kind of answer I would give her.

I sighed. Life is really tough at twelve. I think the average kid at this age is like a weathervane. Anything they pick up, be it from another person, a magazine, a movie, any little breeze of opinion can influence them so strongly. Chouji can be delicate this way, too. Shikamaru's much more grounded in his own views of himself and the world, but Ino of the three is the most easily spun by what she picks up from other people and sources.

It's hard for me usually to get my own input in there between all of the other things she gets her ideas from. I've often wondered why she doesn't listen to me or believe me when I tell her things. I wondered why it was now that she was seeking my opinion so ardently. I'm just her big dorky teacher. Since when have I gained so much credibility in her eyes? Have I finally reached a new level with my student where she cares what I think?

Ino was watching me closely, hopefully. Her sky blue eyes seemed to be pleading me for some direction.

I gave a small sigh of resignation. Those eyes are just too fragile for me to ignore.

I rubbed out my cigarette in the ashtray and folded my hands. "Okay, fine. I'll talk. Are you going to listen?"

Ino looked downright gleeful. "Yes! Tell me the truth. Tell me everything."

"Sure. You want to know about what kind of women I like?" I asked, calmly.

"Yes. What's your type? What kind of women do you go for?" She leaned forward as though ready to memorize my answer. "What kind of hair, what kind of eyes. How tall. Curvy or slim?"

"None of that stuff matters," I told her, point blank.

"SENSEI!" She wailed, hitting the table. Her outburst drew not a few stares from other tables. "Come on! You're lying!"

"I'm not," I insisted. "I'm being completely honest with you."

"You're not fair," Ino pouted, a strawberry-pink lip protruding from her mouth. "You have to have at least some preferences."

"I have preferences, all right," I assured her.

"Like what?" she asked, intent on me.

"I like women who aren't fussy. Low-maintenance." I looked at my empty fingers, thoughtfully. "I like women who are calm."

"That is so boring I'm about to fall asleep," she droned. She propped her head up with one arm on the table. "Anything else?"

"She has to have a sense of humor, and she has to have a pretty smile and smell nice. And I have to be able to talk to her about anything I want without her nagging me or getting bossy. She has to be someone who I can trust with anything."

Ino regarded me quietly, taking in what I was saying.

"And," I added, last of all, "If she likes yakiniku and beer and just relaxing and doing nothing at all, it's a definite plus."

She blinked and made a face at me. "Sensei, you're weird."

I snickered. "Yeah. I know."

"You have no physical preferences at all?" she pressed. "All men have some. Come on. My dad says--"

I cut her off before she could break any of her poor father's intimacies. "I don't really mind about hair color or length, but if it's clean and shiny, and smells nice, I might notice." Haha. Might being the operative word here. My apologizes, Ino. Your teacher has a head like a boulder and about half as quick.

"Perfume? What kind do guys like?" The girl sounded like she was checking items off on a mental list.

"Don't like it." I admitted. "Gives me a headache."

"What about boobs?" she asked, making me snort some of the beer I was trying to drink right up my nose.

"Wha?" I choked. Yes, please?

Oblivious to the current painful fizzing in my sinuses, Ino pressed on. "No, stupid, like how big? Most guys like big ones, right? But I heard some guys like smaller ones." The arch of her eyebrows and the urgent gleam in her eyes suggested that this was probably what she really wanted to know about.

"Ino..." I sighed uncomfortably as I wiped my nose with a napkin. "I don't think that's such a big deal to me. If you really like someone, you like their body, too."

My student regarded me with half-lidded eyes, clearly unconvinced. The look on her face plainly read, _oh, yeah, right_.

I rolled my eyes and regrouped, trying to explain what I meant. Unfortunately, I'm not exactly gifted with words. "It's not like a person is a patchwork quilt or a paper doll. You don't pick and choose which features you like and put them all together. Things don't really work that way." I mean, nice ones are nice. Very nice. But the most amazing breasts in the world are nothing if they're on someone you can't stand, you know?

She looked disappointed at this. Maybe what I was telling her was hard to understand, or didn't match up with information she had collected previously from other sources. "You just don't want to be honest with me because you think I'm just a kid," she accused me.

I sighed and covered my eyes with my fingertips. I guess this was a taste of what it was like to have a daughter, huh? I couldn't say I envied Ino's father much. This was tough work. "No, I'm being honest with you because you're not going to be a kid much longer."

"What?" she asked, completely lost.

I dropped my hands. "I just think," I began, choosing my words cautiously, "that you should know that there are guys in existence who are more interested in your development up here." I pointed to my head. Okay, okay, maybe it would take them some time to get to that point, like around the age at which those hormones start to burn off and leave a little maturity behind in their wake. I had my bad stages as well. But there was no reason for girls to go around worrying about pleasing guys so much, was there? Boys are idiots, after all. Hell, I'm _still_ an idiot.

She wrinkled her nose. "Geez. That sounds really unromantic." I guessed so. Culture is to blame for that one. Who's ever read a fairy tale in which the sensitive and thoughtful prince climbs to the tower to awaken the intelligent and assertive princess with a kiss? My mom, forever the tomboy even at middle age, tried to add things to the stories sometimes to make them a bit more palatable for a young kid's mind. But hell, I could read what was on the pages. Ino can, too.

"What about your parents? Didn't your dad fall for your mom because she was beautiful _and_ smart?" I asked her, leaning my elbow on the table and sipping on my beer.

Ino nodded. "He always says that, yeah."

I knew this, I'd heard the story a million times from him. I think everyone in Konoha has. Ino's father and mother's engagement had been a big deal back in the day when it was becoming more popular for marriages not to be arranged ones. It had been a huge wedding, too. And if you're ever in a bar around the same time as Yamanaka Inoichi when he's had even a little bit to drink, he's sure to tell you _all_ about it. Whether you want to hear it or not.

"You have the looks _and_ the brains, Ino. Looks kind of come naturally and there's not much you can do about it." Haha, just look at your old teacher, here.

Then I leaned forward, trying to make her see that this was something I thought was key. "But brains need _sharpening_. You've got a really quick wit. Use it. I think guys will go nuts for you someday."

The girl gazed up at me, partially incredulous and partially excited. "Really?"

"Sure. Especially if you train hard," I added.

Now she scowled at me. "You are so transparent it's not even funny."

I rewarded her with my sweetest smile. "The exam is in four days. There'll be a lot of boys there to impress." BRAINSTORM, ASUMA! I awarded myself five points in my head. That was awesome.

Ino rolled her eyes, conversation time with boring old sensei over and done. "Let's go play darts!"

"Fine," I agreed. I picked my cigarette back up and followed her over to the dartboard area. "Funny, you didn't seem so interested during target practice today."

The blonde shook her head. "I told you! That was because--"

Without warning, at this moment the door bells jingled and in tumbled Chouji and Shikamaru. The boys fell inside the door, looking quite bedraggled. Chouji's face was white as a sheet, his white scarf smeared with mud. Shikamaru's ponytail was mussed, hanging to the side, and his nose was bleeding.

"Boys," I started, surprised at their condition. Other people in the restaurant looked up, startled.

"Wha. Ha. Hah," Chouji panted, gasping for air, his hands covering his head. "Safe! Oh god. That was close."

Shikamaru groaned and squatted on the ground, patting his chest as if checking for holes. "Man, this Chuunin Exam crap is getting stupider and stupider every day. I should have been a farmer or something!"

"Chouji! Shikamaru!" Ino shrieked. She ran to her teammates and knelt down between them. "Oh my god. What happened to your nose?"

"Don't touch it, stupid!" Shikamaru snapped. "What, are you a total moron? That hurts."

Ino backed off. First her face looked hurt, then her lips opened as if she were trying to think of what to shoot back at him in retaliation. I put my hand on her shoulder in an attempt to silently ask her to let it go. The boy's words were unnecessary, but now was not the best time to let him know it. I could feel a gathering number of people watching us, and the waiter and cook's wary eyes on my back. "Come on."

I herded them out the restaurant's back entrance, where we had a little privacy in the alley. "You guys get roughed up by someone?" I asked, trying to gently get a look at Shikamaru's nose.

"Who?" Ino pressed. "Why?"

Chouji sniffed and hugged his knees, as though he wanted to disappear. "I didn't know them," Shikamaru said, allowing me to look at his injury. "Not like I took down their names and phone numbers."

Chouji looked from side to side as though still afraid. "They weren't from Konoha. I think they were Hidden Grass. They said they came for the Chuunin Exam."

Ah. I'd thought as much. This kind of thing happens often at the beginning of the Chuunin Exams.

I guess it's only natural when you have shinobi who are essentially enemies coming together in one town to fight against each other. People want to see what the others have got. They want to show off their skills and intimidate the opposition. Some just want to thin out the competition ahead of time. Ninja don't visit each other's villages in a non-combat agenda often, after all. Any stress or intimidation they feel can easily become aimed at the host village. And who better to take it out on than the kids? Genin make easy targets, immature fish in a barrel. Those shiny new head protectors are a dead giveaway. And apparently even kids as benign as Chouji and Shikamaru were eligible game.

"They started a fight and we ran like hell as soon as we could." Shikamaru grumped, jerking away from my inspection and tipping his head back. Blood was dribbling down his chin. "I should have been a librarian."

Ino took command, I guess because I didn't. "Pinch your nose and bend your head forward, it'll help the blood clot."

I grabbed my handkerchief out of my vest pocket and covered Shikamaru's nose with it. "She's right. Let's get some ice on that. Ino," I began, looking over to the blonde with a beseeching look, "Go inside and get a bag of ice for me?"

Ino nodded to me and rushed off dutifully. And then it was just us guys alone in the alley.

"You okay, Chouji?" I eyed him carefully over my shoulder while attending to the leaking nose.

He shook his head slowly. "I'm fine. Sh-Shikamaru pushed me out of the way." I saw him blink his brown eyes a few times, as though he might be trying to hold back tears. Poor kid. I could see he was pretty shaken. Equal parts gratitude and guilt were stirring in his eyes.

"Asuma-sensei." he said, very quietly. "I'm not so sure about this Chuunin Exam anymore."

Shikamaru was silent, clutching the rag to his nose. He regarded his friend without spouting his usual sardonic commentary for once. Perhaps it was because his nose was busy spouting for him.

I looked from one boy to the other, but I stayed back. It wasn't my place.

I always hang back when it isn't my place. It's not always a good quality, but that's just the way I am. I don't move unless I need to. I know that I'm no superhero. The world works without me. Unless there's something I've got to handle or else, it's not my right to press my own will upon the situation. I'm not special, and I'm no higher than any of the other people around me. I don't care much for people who think they are, either.

As their teacher, I was there to encourage and advise if they asked for it. But when it came to decisions and motivation, when it came to ready or not... they'd have to work this one out on their own. I don't want to push them into anything they aren't ready for. If these kids ever want to be whole adults, they've got to find their own pace. They have to be able to experience challenge, fear, progress, and pain, and they have to choose for themselves what must be done and what they are willing to do. Coming from a childhood in which those sorts of things were decided for me, that's what I want to give my kids most. Equilibrium. Because it took me much, much too long to find my own.

Chouji's eyes were downcast, his thick lips pressed into a tense line. "The other people we keep seeing who are here for the exam are really strong, and a lot older than us. I think we're too weak," he mumbled. "We're not ready yet. And..." Here his voice trailed off into a whisper. "What if Ino had been with us? She might have got hurt, too. I just--"

"That's bull," Ino interrupted, having returned to the scene with a bag of ice big enough to ice at least ten noses. She thrust the bag of ice at Shikamaru, then parked her hands on her hips. Her eyes flashed indignation. "Don't give me that, Chouji. If you want to wuss out, do it on your own name, don't blame it on _me_."

Chouji started, apparently not having meant for the blonde to hear his words. "Ino..."

Ino folded her arms and looked from Chouji to Shikamaru. "Are we doing this or not?"

Chouji's amber gaze dropped to his sandals, his thick lashes masking his eyes. The boy's grubby fingers began to fumble with the hem of his scarf, pulling at the fuzz. "I don't know. I just. Shikamaru got hurt. I don't want anybody to get hurt."

Shikamaru's brow knit in a scowl. He pushed my hand away and held the rag for himself.

"Yeah, we're weak now." Ino's eyes were snapping, icy bright as she regarded the two boys. "But how in the hell are we supposed to get stronger otherwise? Is that what you've been spending all those hours training with your dad every day for, Chouji? To back out now?"

Chouji looked to Shikamaru. Shikamaru looked to me. Then the dark-haired boy rolled his eyes as though thoroughly disgusted. "God dammit. I'm gonna regret saying this later. But Ino's right." This was indeed a bold statement on the boy's part, but it was weakened a bit by his next words, which were, "Shit. Should have gone into real estate."

Chouji nodded, with a sigh. "I know." I wasn't sure, but I think he meant this in reply to Shikamaru's statement that Ino was right, not about the real estate.

"Listen." Ino commanded, her leadership qualities on display. "We have five days left."

"Four, actually," I corrected her.

"We have four days left," Ino restated. She folded her arms, and for a moment I wondered if she had indeed been spending time with Special Forces. She was making a _really _convincing Ibiki face right about now. "Let's get more serious."

Chouji looked to me for my opinion. I shrugged and gave a nod of agreement. "You guys _could_ give a little more effort out there." In any case, maybe an actual brush with real-life fighting will serve to shake them up a little. This isn't a game, and it isn't anything clean and safe. But it's hard for a kid who hasn't really lived that life yet to understand it.

That's tough for me to really deal with, too. They're already twelve years old. Their world is much, much more safe and sheltered than mine was at their age. I was a genin at so much younger than them. Sure, it's only three years, but there's a big difference between nine and twelve, when you think about it. And there's a big difference in what we did after we got those head protectors, too. They found lost cats in the woods. I found lost bodies in the trenches.

"How about this," I suggested, at my most amiable. "You guys give me four days of training. If you still feel unsure after that four days, then you tell me, and I'll have your entry in the examination canceled."

Shikamaru eyed me suspiciously. "I thought it was once entered, no going back on it. Didn't you have to swear on your name or something like that?"

"Can you really do that?" Chouji wondered.

"Sure." I lied. "It'll be no problem."

Okay, so I tricked them into it. Frown on my methods if you will. But trickery is part of raising kids, no getting past it.

A kid rides a bike with training wheels on it for too long, and what does the father do? He sneaks into the shed at night with a wrench and adjusts those training wheels so that they don't touch the ground quite all the way. And he does it a little more each week, until the kid can ride her bike by herself. Another kid won't get in the swimming pool without floaties on his arms, and Dad's job is to surreptiously deflate those floaties little by little each time until Junior doesn't need them anymore.

Such is my job: Chief Covert Adjuster of Safety Devices. We don't toss kids right into the water of combat like monkeys in today's world. Too many mental cases running about trying to get stronger by killing off their families for us to use those kinds of methods anymore. No, now we deflate their floating arm accessories and push them forward gradually until they can swim for themselves. We remove that security blanket little by little by little. That's what I do, that's what I exist in these kids' lives for. I'm not sure what else I really have to offer them, to be perfectly honest with you.

I think they'll thank me for my tricks later. They'll be mad, yeah, but they'll thank me in the long run. Then I'll reward them with a big dinner and a big dessert, and hopefully all will be forgiven. I have faith in them. I know they won't let me down. And if they do, we'll work through it somehow. There's not much more to it that that.

So four more days is all that's standing between the kids and the test. I think the best I'm hoping for is that they'll see what it's really like out there and feel the realities of being in danger, and hopefully it will give them a bit of perspective on our everyday activities. I don't plan on sheltering them or anything. The experience should be good, provided they all survive and make it through in one piece.

Is that too much to hope for? I look around at the three of them and try to tell myself they'll be fine. But there are a lot of unknowns involved in the equation, here. I feel just a hint of uneasy in the back of my head.

We've been together for a few months now, and it's mostly them that I spend my days with. We've spent a lot of our time building teamwork. Now I guessed it was time to build trust. And not just between these three, but between them and me, too. I found myself sincerely looking forward to being closer to them. Could it be I'm getting attached to them?

"Hold still!"

"Let me see it. Has the blood stopped?"

"Don't touch!"

"Chouji, you'd better soak this with some soap and water..."

"That hurts, dammit!"

Ino tried to wipe the dried mud from Chouji's clothes. Chouji was having a look at Shikamaru's messy nose. Shikamaru was protesting because of the pain, spitting and hissing like a wet fussy cat. I stood back and just watched as they carried on.

Shikamaru and his nasal drone, his sour-grapes attitude. Chouji and that sensitivity that surfaces when I least expect it. Ino and her laughing eyes as she cuts right to the heart of the matter. The feeling when we're togther is different now than it was when we first met. It's starting to feel warm, to feel pleasant and familiar around the edges. Could it be I'm getting attached to these three really troublesome, bratty, patience-eroding people? These three who sometimes remind me way too much of myself when I was their age?

I huffed and took a drag of smoke, sending it up into the air in little round puffs.

Yeah, maybe I am.


	15. waiting

**waiting**  
Kurenai

* * *

And abruptly, interruptedly, I found myself waiting in a white hallway.

I had been so sure up until then, you know. I had been so ready to show them all what my team could do. Even when the Chuunin Exams were announced way ahead of schedule, I had been convinced my kids would come out on top.

At the meeting when we nominated each of our team members, I had been surprised, really, that Kakashi and Asuma also nominated theirs. Both of their teams seem so unremarkable compared to my kids. I almost never see Asuma's team training. Yeah, their _parents_ are great, but the kids seem rather unmotivated. I checked all of the genin's records from the Academy before the teams were decided. The Akimichi boy's grades were only mediocre and Nara Shikamaru's were terrible. Yamanaka Ino has some smarts about her but she doesn't seem concerned with applying them, from what I've seen. All three seem more interested in other things than in pursuit of moving up in rank.

Kakashi's team is a mess. Each of the members are so unbalanced and different from each other. And to put it plainly, I'm not impressed with Kakashi's ability to really mentor kids. Especially in the case of the lone female on his team. Haruno Sakura was an excellent student at the Academy, with impeccable marks. Yet I kid you not, I saw him once using her to sit on his back as a weight while he did push-ups and the boys trained away in the background. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that that hits a little too close to home for me. The idea of a female on the team as dead weight is something that is _supposed_ to be outmoded these days. It's definitely something I had hoped my own teacher would take to the grave with him when he went. I think if we raise a kid to think that they're substandard, they're sure to become substandard.

My team was sure to tear the others to pieces. Like I've said before, they're killing machines. Sharp as tacks. Sure, they're still working on the leadership aspect-- I still pick up on a rivalry between Kiba and Shino. And sure, the communication could use some work. They still don't know each other as well as they could, and they do need more training and experience. I thought that they would definitely learn and grow from participating in the exam. Kids learn from doing, after all, and there's no way they can prepare for what's expected of them before actually trying it out.

But now it had all come to a screeching halt. I was left waiting, alone, in a white, sterilized hallway.

People die. People die every day. We're shinobi. Death is our whole life.

I don't want anyone to die because of me. Well, anyone on our side, anyway. I don't want anyone to die because I forgot to teach them this or that. I don't want to be left with regrets. I don't want to wonder where I went wrong, what I said wrong, what I should have done differently.

_Sir, Ma'am... I'm here to tell you that your little son or daughter lost in their match today... I guess we should have worked a little more on... well, now we know for next time... I'm sorry for your loss... _

I never should have become a teacher.

I never really thought about it this way. I had thought I could find a kid like me, a kid who needed encouragement, a kid who needed some understanding, and I'd be their coach. I would be their big sister. I would cheer them on to victory. I knew the risks, of course. I spoke to each member's family about it. I knew there was a chance that things could go wrong. I guess it wasn't until now that I realized just how wrong things could go.

I never thought about the possibility of victory not being the outcome. I never thought about hospital beds and tubes and needles. I hadn't thought about waiting like this. I hadn't imagined how I was going to fill in the paperwork, how I was going to answer the questions. I never imagined how awful I would feel sitting here in this hallway.

But here I was. And Hinata was inside that room, with her insides burst and bleeding out of her mouth. And this had to be the worst feeling I could imagine.

The medical nin were busy. The nurses were busy. Yet I couldn't do anything. I couldn't do a single thing to help. I had barked at them to get to work on her, and I held her hand as we rushed her to the hospital. There were many things I wanted to do and say but somehow nothing came out. And then they took her in there and parked me out here on a plastic bench at the end of the hallway.

My job was simply to fill in the necessary paperwork. That was all I could do, it seemed. I had a flimsy clipboard equipped with a ballpoint pen, tied to the clipboard's clasp with a ratty piece of string. Apparently they thought I might take the pen. I was too heartsick to take much of anything at this point, however.

Footsteps sounded from time to time in the deserted corridor. I didn't bother to look. If it was a medical nin, I'd just rail at him for lazing about when he could be working on my kid. If it was a patient, well, it's not polite to stare around at injured people in the hospital's trauma ward. Privacy, privacy. Besides, I had enough to worry about. From where I sat on my lame plastic bench, I could hear some of what was going on inside the room. It didn't sound good. I felt very alone, and very, very powerless.

I stared hard out the square window beside me. Night had fallen. The sky had clouded over with heavy clouds, blocking out the moon and stars from view. It felt like it might rain. I guessed it was around nine in the evening by now. I didn't bother to look at the watch in my pocket. I didn't want to for some reason. I didn't want to know for sure how long Hinata had been in that little room.

I had never imagined that she would have to fight her own cousin. The odds of that happening were so bizarre. I had been keen on seeing what she could do. I was so excited to see Hinata stand up for herself, to see her show us all how much she had grown. I hadn't thought about how serious it might get. I guess I had underestimated Hyuuga Neji, and I had underestimated Hinata as well. I had not expected her to keep getting up and offering herself for more punishment long after the match seemed decided. And I certainly had not expected Hyuuga Neji to honestly try to kill her. But that boy had gone for the heart.

She had fought beyond her limit. She had pushed and pushed long after she needed to. But there are many differences between Hinata and her cousin. The cruelty and rigid standards of adults have imposed upon their young lives. I wonder what they might be like if they had been raised in a normal family. I am sure it would not be like this.

Kiba had been carried off in a stretcher, too, but his mother and sister were sure to show up for him. But in Hinata's case... well. Her own father had said that the family didn't need her anymore, and I know that the girl herself had overheard it. For all I know she may have heard that more than once, or worse. I have no idea what goes on in that weird house. It makes me sick to my stomach just imagining it. There will be no comfort waiting for Hinata. If anyone comes to visit her, I hate to think of what they might say to her.

A nurse came hurrying out of the room. "How is she?" I asked, concerned.

She was too rushed to answer. She ducked a quick bow to me. "Just a moment, please. I'll be back shortly!" And with that she scurried off down the hall.

I sighed. I had nothing to do to occupy my time. There weren't any magazines or anything here in the trauma hallway. I guess even if there were, it's not like I could have really enjoyed reading them anyway.

I don't like hospitals much. A hospital is a place where no one wants to be. That's why the nurses and clerks always have their desks and computers decorated with cutesy dolls and stuff, you know. That's why the plants in hospitals always look pathetic. No one goes to a hospital because they're feeling good. _I_ sure wasn't feeling good. Perhaps it was just the adrenaline and insomnia catching up with me, but I was not doing well. The smell of antiseptic was making my stomach turn. The noises of a cart being wheeled and metal instruments clinking on a tray sounded from inside the room. The sound made me cringe.

Embarrassingly enough, even though I work with sharp metal objects and bodies every day, scalpels and hooks and probes and things still make me feel uncomfortable. You should see me in the dentist's chair.

Down the hall at the nurses' station, the receptionists were changing shifts. Their chatter was audible all the way from where I was.

"Got any plans for the weekend?"

"Yeah, going out with the girls from down the hall for drinks. Hey, you wanna come?"

"Sure! Can I bring my boyfriend?"

"Is he cute? Ah hah hah hah!"

"Hee hee hee! Ohmigawd, that was SO funny."

I rolled my eyes, irritated. I hoped to god they'd hurry up and leave so I could have quiet again. Outside the little window beside me, it had begun to drizzle. I watched the raindrops trickle down the glass off the window, one by one. Depressing weather. From inside the room, I could hear the medical nin speaking in grim tones. I couldn't make out any words.

The receptionists were quiet again.

I noticed then out of the corner of my eye that someone was approaching me. Someone who smelled like sandalwood soap and cigarette smoke.

I turned, already half-sure who it was, but still surprised that he was here. "Asuma."

There Asuma was, in his usual slouch, his hands stuffed in his pockets. I couldn't help thinking that his large frame and wild hair seemed a bit out of place in the sterile corridor. When he met my gaze, Asuma nodded his spiky head to me in a brief greeting. His smile was strained, cautious. "Hey."

And he sat down beside me on the plastic bench.

I scooted over to the right to make a little more room between us. "What are you doing here?" I asked. I had missed the last few fights. I knew that his student Akimichi Chouji had been one of those left to go. Don't tell me he's badly hurt as well. "Is Chouji...?"

"Yeah, he's here in the hospital," Asuma let me know. He leaned back against the wall behind us, getting comfortable. "But it's not too serious. He'll be fine soon."

"Oh," I said. "That's good." I guess I could be relieved for the boy's sake. That's good for Asuma, then. His other two came through the exam so far relatively unscathed-- well, minus one lovely blond ponytail. I guess you could say then, that he did better than me. He might say so. In fact I rather expected him to say so. I would if I were in his place, that was certain. I waited for it.

And I waited for it. But it didn't come.

He simply rested his hands on his stomach, lacing his fingers. "Yeah."

Then he was quiet. And I realized then, Asuma is a very different person than I am. He's very different from anyone I know, I guess. He doesn't play by the same rules as most people do, it seems. He doesn't ask questions when I expect him to. He doesn't hit on me. He doesn't go for dares and challenges much. He doesn't jump at the chance to fight. He's a contracted killer and he let me see him looking uncomfortable around corpses.

He's a Sarutobi, and a son of the Hokage. Yet when Ebisu shoved him that day and insulted him, all he did was calmly ask the other man if _he_ was all right. I still remember the look on his face. _You okay, man?_ His eyes had been clear and lucid, and I got a strong impression of coolness and control from him. He doesn't get ruffled, he doesn't get fussy. And I remember wondering, how does he do that? What is different about him that he can just be so calm and play things down at times when most of the rest of us would throw a punch or at least a barbed comment? What does he have inside him?

Asuma is really, really weird.

His shoulders slouched languidly against the bench. He seemed to be examining the pattern of grayish white cheap linoleum tiles that covered the floor. Thick eyelashes shaded his downcast eyes. His eyelashes are straight and full in a way that makes me a little jealous. Mine curl nicely and they're long, but they're on the sparse side and require mascara to look decent. I wish they were thick like his. Is that strange to say? I bet a man wouldn't really find that complimentary. Oh, well.

His hands looked thick and knobby, folded together they way they were. All knuckles. The skin of his hands is suntanned a warm shade of ruddy brown. I noticed a few scattered freckles here and there on the backs of his hands and his arms where his sleeves were rolled up. The thick bracelets around his wrists rested heavily on his limbs. Even when he's resting, like he was right then, with those hands he looks very dangerous. They're powerful. Weathered knuckles and thick, rough calluses, heavy bones that can withstand a lot of pounding. They give the impression of being able to deal a massive amount of damage. You don't mess with hands like those. You look for someone with small soft hands like mine and pick on them instead.

I fiddled with the pen. Ah. Right. I remembered suddenly I'd better finish this paperwork before a nurse came back out. So I got to writing.

Asuma's right hand reached for his front vest pocket with a motion that I knew I had seen before. "Sarutobi Asuma," I interjected, sharply. "There is no smoking allowed in a hospital."

"Oh," he said, as though it were an accident. Thick fingers reached up to scratch at his bearded chin. "Right."

I rolled my eyes. Who forgets something like that? I mean, there are signs plastered everywhere, aren't there? Sure, Asuma's _hands_ might be strong, but I wasn't at this point convinced of his intellectual powers.

I expected him to go outside for a smoke. But he didn't. Instead he folded his hands again and rested his head against the wall behind us. I twirled the pen and turned to the next page of the release form.

I felt like I was writing the same things over and over but on a new document each time. Perhaps they try to make a repetitive task to calm those waiting. I printed carefully on the little black lines, pressing firmly as instructed in the cases that the form was a carbon copy sheet. Paperwork has always been something I'm good at. Chalk it up to too much studying, I suppose. My handwriting is neat and I don't mind repetitive tasks. I found it didn't calm me, though.

Hyuuga. Hinata. Age, sex, birthdate, blood type. Height, weight. Names of Parents/Guardians. Address. Nature of problem.

In what sense did they mean that question? I was tempted to write quite a few things there. Nature of Problem: Hyuuga Clan in general. Nature of Problem: Not enough killing intent. Nature of Problem: Overbearing teacher pushed her to take Chuunin Exam before ready. Nature of Problem, Nature of Problem.

"It's a lot of paperwork, isn't it?" He said, out of nowhere. The low notes of his voice were like a growl, a rumble in the quiet corridor.

I nodded in reply. "Mm."

He eyed the stack I had finished already. "You're almost done, though. Good job."

I bristled at this. In exactly what way does he mean that? In the face of the situation the words sounded just so wrong in my ears. "Good job?"

He blinked at me. "It's a lot of work. You're getting it done."

I felt very displeased. Inside my chest I felt dark, empty. Small. It didn't make me feel right to say I was doing a good job on paperwork that I myself had cause to happen. It bothered me. "If I had done a 'good job' we wouldn't be here in the first place," I pointed out.

"Don't say that," Asuma objected. He rested one massive hand on his knee. "You're a good teacher, Kurenai."

"I don't need you to patronize me," I let him know, smooth as butter.

"I'm not," he replied, his expression gravely serious. "I wouldn't ever." He had straightened out of his lethargic slump to his full height. Suddenly he was looking more like a real, serious teacher, straight and tall. He stared directly at me, pinning me with his eyes.

I was surprised at how intense his expression suddenly was. His attention on me was resolute and unwavering. Was he looking right into me, or was it just my imagination? If this a look he uses on his students, I bet it works. It was working on me. I was downright daunted.

"All right," I said, finally. I didn't know what else to say. My voice felt weak under his steady gaze.

He nodded towards the paperwork in my lap. "You think you caused this?"

"I pushed her to take the exam before she was ready," I told him. I put the clipboard down and rubbed my forehead with my hands. There was a definite headache coming on, and I wasn't looking forward to it. "I knew she wasn't 100 percent ready."

"When is anyone 100 percent ready?" Asuma grumbled.

"But she needed a lot more training," I added, covering my eyes with my fingertips.

"Don't kid yourself, Kurenai," he said with disdain, "There wasn't any training you could have given her to prevent what happened from happening and you know that."

My shoulders tightened at these words. I did know that. I guess. But still.

"He used the byakugan to cut off her chakra flow to her hands. Only her father knows about that. She needs to train with him to know the specifics about how their family's techniques work and how to defend against them." Asuma paused and shook his head. "He should be ashamed for not having taught her already."

I peered back up at him, baffled. That was one of the longest and most dense statements I've ever heard come out of his mouth. "I don't know either," I admitted. "I just..." I paused, feeling a lump rise in my throat. I stopped and took a deep breath.

I just felt so scared that I'll lose Hinata. If that happens I don't think I'll ever be the same again. I'll have lost a student. It'll be a massive failure, something that will always bother me.

I felt angry with Hyuuga Hiashi for the things he had said the day I had visited, for the coldness in his eyes. I felt so upset with Hyuuga Neji and at those who had caused him to become so hateful. I felt despair that the match had been decided the way it had by that damn computer.

I felt worried about Hinata herself. She's a nice kid, a good kid. I like her so much. She doesn't deserve to be in pain. I just want her to be okay.

Asuma didn't say anything more, but he watched me closely out of the corner of his eye. I suppose he thought I might start crying or something. I don't cry often, and I definitely wasn't about to let myself cry in front of him. I wasn't going to cry. I wasn't. I just felt so _exhausted_ all of a sudden.

I closed my eyes, pinching them shut. I took another deep breath of air. My chest felt hot, and I hoped the air would help to cool it. He didn't move or speak. He just sat there, listening.

"I just feel tired," I confessed at length.

"Mm." he agreed, simply, quietly.

Then in a smaller voice I ventured, "And worried." I had the sense that somehow in telling him this that I was doing something especially foolish. Especially silly. But this hallway was a very bleak and lonely place, to wait alone in.

"Yeah," he said, looking down at his hands. He understood, it seemed. He knew.

There are moments in life when you really wish you could just move backwards, press rewind, and the unbelieveable event that has just happened could be fixed. Like when you drop a dish and it smashes on the floor. You watch it happen, and then it's done, it's broken. And as much as you can't believe it has happened, it is final. You can think to yourself over and over how much you wish it had not happened, but it doesn't change anything. All you have left that you can do is try to deal with it somehow, decide what you can do next.

But knowing that fact doesn't take the worry out of the pit of your stomach, or the tightness from your shoulder muscles. Knowing that doesn't make continuing on any easier.

So what _does_ make it easier? I'd like to know. If I could I'd get a prescription of it from the pharmacy downstairs. I didn't feel right. My stomach was in a knot and there was a definite ache in my chest. Sure, I looked fine on the _outside_. Every hair in place, back straight, hands perfectly still on either side of me. But on the inside, it wasn't easy. On the inside, I was trembling.

Asuma moved, resting his weight back against the bench again. Catching the motion in my periphery made me flinch in reaction. My reflexes are jittery, jumpy. I'm much too high-strung. I need to relax.

And in vivid contrast to myself, it just so happened that sitting beside me at that moment on a gray plastic bench was six feet, three inches of relax. I swallowed and shifted my feet, watching Asuma out of the corner of my eye. For some reason, I found myself remembering inviting him in for coffee. I had been so silly, so friendly. It was an unusual thing for me to do. Why had I done that? I didn't know at the time and I didn't know now either. I had wanted something, I guess. Maybe it was the same thing I wanted now.

Did I want something now? If I did, what was it?

Just wondering about it all was making my throat feel tight. I needed to sit back and analyze this rationally. There are psychological reasons why humans do everything they do. There was a reason why I would search for things from other people. Perhaps I was feeling stress in my new job and therefore seeking validation from my peers. Perhaps I was feeling loneliness and needed some companionship. Perhaps the carnal and violent nature of my work activities has my body seeking relief.

At that very moment, my train of thought was derailed violently. For to my total and complete surprise, Asuma lifted his right hand. And he placed it over mine.

For all my love of rational thought, this simple motion blew it all away, blew anything I was thinking right out of my head. I blinked, staring down at this huge paw covering my own hand. But more than the sight, it was the sensation that caught my breath in my throat.

His hand was heavy and warm on mine. The calluses of his palms felt thick and rough. I could feel which places the knives he uses had worn away most. Many years of killing experience were now lying gently on my hand.

I've touched Asuma's hand accidentally a few times before, of course, when handing him things or when walking. I've also touched his hand intentionally twice before. Once when he helped me up to my feet that day we watched the sun set. At that point I didn't know him much at all, really. I think I was letting him help me to my feet the way anyone I was on mildly friendly terms with would. I'd never let a man I didn't want to talk to help me to my feet. My pride wouldn't allow for it, I think, I'd insist on doing it myself. It meant only a small something, only that I trusted him to the point where I'd go on a walk with him. Now that I think back, though, I entrusted my weight to this person for a moment or two.

The second time was the morning we were assigned as partners for patrol duty. We had talked about our assignment. It was kind of idealistic, innocent of any rough patches that might happen when we actually tried to work together. But the words he had that morning said had stuck with me despite any issues I had with him._ I won't let you down, Kurenai. I promise. _Those are not words that I think a person would throw around lightly. I suppose that when you've got to rely on someone to watch your back in a hostile environment, there's a bond that's made. Maybe we had started it that day, and sealed it with a handshake. I had entrusted him with my partnership.

This time it was different. This wasn't a casual thing like the first, or a businesslike touch like the second. This was something completely unnecessary, unprovoked. His hand was resting on top of mine, for no reason other than he had put it there. He had chosen to do so, and why?

My eyes lifted, hoping to decipher exactly what was going through his mind. His face didn't reveal anything special or suspicious. He didn't seem like it meant much of anything at all. It was just Asuma. And he was just staring into space, with his hand sitting on mine. Out of the corner of his eye the man seemed to notice me staring at him, and one side of his mouth twitched. Maybe he wasn't sure how I would react. I don't blame him. _I_ wasn't even sure how I would react.

I wondered if there was something I was entrusting to him this time, and what it was.

Asuma looked down to give me a somber smile. Then he squeezed my hand lightly, gently.

It was a simple gesture, but it was a moving one. I felt like he was saying many things-- things that might be cheapened if put into words. This was something new, and it was definitely unexpected. But I found I didn't mind it. It didn't feel patronizing, nor was it derogatory in any fashion. It was a comforting, encouraging touch. This was simply because he wanted to let me know he was there. He was there right next to me, and he cared.

It was nice.

The whole thing took a total of perhaps seven, eight seconds. Then it was over as quickly as it had begun. Message delivered, his hand retreated back to its position safely resting on his stomach. He folded his hands again and rested his head against the wall as though he might go to sleep.

I felt warmth spread through me, fighting away the ache in my chest.

I was sitting on a bench waiting in a miserable white hallway, worried sick. But I wasn't alone. It made me feel a little stronger.


	16. pacific

**pacific  
**Asuma

* * *

_a brief interlude of something odd  
i look past myself._

"You know, Asuma," Kakashi spoke up out of nowhere. "If you really have nothing better to do than hang out here, maybe you should do this paperwork for me."

"Huh?" I opened my eyes to find myself face-down on the familiar battle-scarred brown pleather of the jounin lounge's couch. I must have dozed off without realizing it. Dreams of the sea, dreams of days in smoky temples and friends I hadn't seen in years faded from my mind's eye too slowly, blurring in my dull brain, and I had to blink, blink again and get my bearings. It wasn't quick like I should be when I wake up. _Shinobi must always wake like a pinprick, ever alert_, says the manual we memorize at the Academy.

I was lying on the couch in the breakroom. The vending machine's familiar hum welcomed me back from sleep. The room's lone tiny window had grown dark, and I no longer heard busy daytime office noises from down the hall. I scooted myself into a more upright position on the overstuffed and overly worn couch. With a yawn, I attempted to rub away the upholstery marks I was sure were pressed on my mug. "Ugh. What time is it?"

"Too late for normal people to be here," Kakashi remarked, his visible eye trained on the paperwork he was busy filling out.

Seated at the table in the middle of the starkly furnished lounge, my co-worker was processing a stack of paperwork (had he put it all off until the last minute again?) with only a cheap flourescent desk lamp for light. The artificial glow of the lamp dyed him a rather disagreeable sallow tone. His vest was slung over the back of his chair and the effect was really strange. It's weird, only a bit of Kakashi's skin is ever exposed: the part of his face not covered by mask, forehead protector, or drooping hair; and the pale ghostly tips of his fingers. Even so, somehow at the moment he seemed quite naked, as though seeing Hatake Kakashi without his protective vest was something that just _should not be_.

He looked so much thinner than usual, without his vest on. I wondered what he eats like, how often he sleeps. From what I know, it's not much or often. Over the years he has often given me the impression of someone who is existing on his last thread, in more ways than one. Kakashi has never been one to take much time or slack for his own comfort. Poor punctuality tendencies aside, he's a soldier in ways I never will be. He's ten times the killer I am, cold-blooded and almost entirely emotionless. And by that I don't mean that he's monotone and never shows emotion. It's more like he never shows his _real_ emotions. Kakashi is detached from us all and incredibly skilled at maintaining that.

Now he was busily writing as though it were his sole purpose in life. The scratches and taps of his black ballpoint pen on the paper punctuated just how silent the head office building was now.

"I was waiting until the meeting with the elders was over..." I trailed off by way of explanation. As if I needed to explain to him why I was here, defend myself for hanging out in a common area.

"He's already gone home," Kakashi informed me, knowing who I was waiting for somehow without me even mentioning the name.

"I thought as much," I replied. I had just been entertaining the idea of talking to him for a minute, but I had missed him, I guess. Well. Better luck next time.

Kakashi ran his fingers through his impossibly white hair, scratching his head. When he spoke, his tone was distant. "He left something for you."

"Hm?" I grunted, already having started feeling around in my pocket for my pack of cigarettes.

"In the refrigerator. A messenger brought it from his office."

Smoke momentarily postponed, I stood and went to the fridge in the corner, with not a little trepidation. I felt totally unsure what to expect. What would he have sent to me, and why would he bother? When did he have time to think about me?

Upon opening the door, I spied it. A plastic tupperware container with an office sticky note, lemon yellow. On the small square of paper, the characters for my name had been written in old-fashioned hand. The old man's ancient script was painstaking and steady as ever.

I popped the lid off, wondering what was inside. A peek into the plastic box revealed, of all things, a hefty serving of casserole. Potatoes au gratin to be exact. Sliced potatoes and ham, drowned in cheese and a little milk and butter and oven-browned to perfection.

I snorted, staring in disbelief at the potatoes arranged carefully in the plastic box. "Crazy old man."

"Human heart?" the silver-haired jounin at the table behind me drawled.

"Nah," I told him. "Potatoes, actually." I slapped the ancient and crusty microwave open-- in the jounin lounge, almost everything is ancient and crusty, you know-- and inserted my meal. "Want some?"

"Maybe," Kakashi admitted, turning a page. "I'll give it a look when it comes out. But incidentally, I was hoping it was something more interesting."

I laughed half-heartedly. Oh, Kakashi. "No such luck, then."

I closed the door and went about setting the time and tempterature. Behind me, I heard him turn a page. The speed of his writing was even and slow. A glance over my shoulder revealed that the form he was filling out wasn't one I'd had to do. I wondered if it had anything to do with that mess that had happened towards the end of the preliminary fights yesterday, with Uchiha Sasuke going to the hospital under guard by a team of elite Anbu in the high security ward. He hadn't told me anything about it, but I had heard rumors that something was up, that something funny had happened during the second exam, that it might be Orochimaru. And the old man, as usual, was doing nothing about it yet. Typical.

Two and a half minutes later, the air was filled with the gentle aroma of ham and cheese. I dug around in the silverware drawer for actual silverware. It would seem that this drawer contained everything but. Kunai, senbon, ketchup packets, cotton swabs, grape-flavored condoms, a guitar pick, and a very, very old looking pair of ration bars. Typical jounin breakroom fare. I peered down at the ration bars, pondering the rather dated-looking font on the wrappers. "How long have these been in there?"

"Not long," was my masked companion's smooth reply. "And that grape lube on them is--"

"I _meant_ the ration bars," I insisted, holding one up as if I needed proof.

Kakashi snickered as though he found me fun to tease. "You should be at home."

I huffed. "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

Now he sighed and glanced up at me, searchingly. The man is one year younger than me, but sometimes it feels like he's much, much older. The light from the desk lamp at the table shone in such a way that it seemed that the lines of his face were hardened. His skin was drier, his single eye much more tired. He tilted his head and for all the world, looked up at me with the manner of a weary, sad uncle. "Why _aren't_ you home?" he asked, quietly.

"I don't know," I truthfully admitted. I went back to my search, possibly to avoid his keen gaze. In the very, very back of the drawer I found one plastic spork. Bingo. "I was filling out the paperwork for Shikamaru's entry into the finals. I got kind of stuck on the bio, and well..."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow now, regarding me with one steely eye. "Well, like I said, if you insist on staying here, you can always make yourself useful. Write one of mine for me."

I snorted and opened the microwave. Yeah, he'd have to write two, wouldn't he? Uchiha Sasuke and Uzumaki Naruto had both won their matches. Kakashi's team was really something else. "No, thanks. 'ppreciate the offer, though."

The tupperware was hot, too hot. You can never tell with this microwave. It decides for itself when it wants to work and to what extent. I've done a bowl of rice for four minutes and it's still cold. Popcorn is just impossible, you either get a bag full of seeds or a bag full of ashy mess. I unrolled my sleeve and pulled my hand inside to give my fingers a little protection from the searing plastic. "Yeowch. Ow. Owowow--" here I successfully deposited my cargo onto the table-- "Ahh."

The silver shock of hair at the table shook once in mild disapproval. "You're a baby."

"I know," I told him, shaking my fingers to cool them. "I know." I am indeed, the baby of the family, the second son of the second wife and the youngest of a handful of kids. Maybe this is where our differences lie. While I was coddled as the baby of the family, Kakashi's always had it rough. All the terrible shit happens to Kakashi. I can't remember when he didn't wear a mask over the bottom of his face. I can't remember him ever mentioning his mother. I can't remember him ever being normal or having relationships or laughing without that weary, dark note in the back of his throat.

I jabbed the spork into the potatoes. "Dinner is served."

Kakashi sniffed the air. "Doesn't smell too bad, actually."

"Course not," I told him. "It's my mom's recipe. It was her fa--"

There was a pause, and we both realized. One of those little invisible lines that exist between friends had been crossed. A subject had just been mentioned which had never been mentioned between us before. But we both pretended we hadn't noticed, plowing on ahead bravely and blunderingly, like only two socially inept men who consider themselves sort-of close buddies can do.

"--vorite thing to make for us," I finished, feeling my voice trail off.

"Oh?" Was all he said, with all the slickness he could muster.

"Yeah," I told him, with a sheepish smile. I thumbed the spork's plastic handle thoughfully. "We used to eat this all the time. Before."

"I see," Kakashi replied. I guess something in my voice or manner plucked Kakashi's attention. He paused in his writing, but the pen was still poised in the air above his papers. His gaze has the feel of an x-ray machine, equipped with the ability to see right through me. Even with just one eye, he misses nothing.

He straightened from his paperwork, dutiful all of a sudden. "In that case, I'll try some," he sighed.

So I took a big bite and slid the plastic container his way. Then I looked away out of practiced habit. He doesn't like it when people watch him eat. "Sure," I said, forcing myself to sound bright. "Eat up, man."

He took two quick bites, and slid the box back to me. "It's good," he murmured. His eye seemed to be gazing at something a million miles away.

I wonder what kind of food Kakashi's mother used to make. I wonder what she was like. I have never ever heard about her existence, just about his father. I remember seeing his father before. He was kind of hard to miss, what with the fame and the stand-up white hair and all. His death had been hard to miss, too. It had left a giant scar in Kakashi's life, that was for sure. Everyone who has been openly important to Kakashi seems to have left him with a giant scar.

I stuffed another bite in my mouth and nodded weakly. "Yeah, it is, huh?"

I wonder if it's inconsiderate for me to be offering Kakashi some of my dead mother's potatoes. If it's rude to Kakashi for me to have my own father right there and not go talk to him. If, when viewed through Kakashi's keen eye, I am a total prick.

Kakashi grabbed another bite as I glanced away for him. "It's good," he repeated. We both sat and chewed slowly, thoughtfully contemplating potato, cheese, milk, ham.

"Yeah." I accepted the tupperware from him again and smiled down at the contents.

There's something weird about things like this. Just a smell or a taste of something can back things you thought you had forgotten or buried away. I've smelled my grandma's perfume on a passing lady, or I can hear my uncle's drawl as I walk past the tea shops, see my brother when I see a kid-- _the_ kid laughing. Sometimes when the old men are sitting out smoking their pipes in the evening sun the memories rush back like a flash flood, and I am small again, and full of many dreams.

I wonder about it sometimes. Not often. I don't think about this kind of stuff often. But every once in a long, long while, the thought crosses my mind. If they could see me now, from whereever they are, what would they think of me? Would they be ashamed? What would they say to me after all of the foolish things I've said and done?

"Asuma," Kakashi said, stabbing into my thoughts. "Why aren't you home?" The fact that he would repeat the same question again belied the fact it was bothering him for some reason. He'd only ask if he were less than fifty percent certain as to why I wasn't home. Any more than fifty percent and he wouldn't bother to ask, he'd guess. And he's always right when he guesses with me.

"I can't sleep," I laughed, through the potatoes. What a retarded excuse. I felt like a total fool. That's just not usual, for me. I sleep whenever, wherever. And I don't wake up easily. That's my nature. Things don't get to me. I'm just boring old me and I plod my way through, simple as that.

I rubbed my face, feeling chagrin. "I couldn't sleep at all. But I fell asleep on that damn, dirty, sticky couch." Face-down, too. Face-down on the couch that (if rumors are true) has probably seen more illicit action than any other horizontal surface in the village. Eww.

I sure as hell felt stupid being the one who was having trouble sleeping. My kids were all fine, for god's sake. Rock Lee, Hinata Hyuuga, Uchiha Sasuke, they were all in the hospital and damaged and full of tubes and needles and pain. They or their teachers should be the ones who were affected, not me. Why should it bother me? It didn't have anything to do with me. Was I being a drama queen? Where the hell did I get off being an ass like I was today?

"Happens to the best of us," he informed me, picking his pen back up and avoiding my gaze. "Little insomnia is nothing to make a big deal about."

I couldn't stop chuckling. "I don't understand anything," I admitted, to no one in particular. I don't know why the hell I'm here, why the old man gave me potatoes, why he let her go into battle, why I said the things I said back then. I don't know anymore why I do what I do. I used to think I knew, but now... Now I just do it. I don't think much about it, and I don't make extra effort or anything. I don't go for heroics. I just try and get my own ass through and be fine with just that. I just follow along and go with the flow and hope the tide doesn't swallow the things that are me up in the process.

Kakashi sighed, in a way only Kakashi can. It's a sigh of darkness and exhaustion held at the brink, a sigh of pity and sympathy and a desire to understand mixed with inability to relate all in one exhale.

"You shouldn't be here, Asuma." He was apparently out of patience with the baby for now. "Go be normal. Go out and make some friends or something. Get yourself laid."

"No," I said, just as stubborn as I was twelve years ago. And I passed him the potatoes.

"Aha. There you are," Gai broke in, appearing in green spandex splendor at the doorway. He must have been tired, because he didn't punctuate this statement with the usual "my eternal rival."

I looked up, and Kakashi did too. "Ah. Good. I'm saved from Happy Family Nostalgia Time."

I flinched at this, feeling embarrassment at the sting in his words. I am indeed a total fool.

Gai blinked his dark lashes. "It is much too dark in here to be writing. That can't be good for the eyes, Hatake Kakashi."

"Eye," Kakashi corrected, turning over another page and starting on a new one.

"Look at that mountain of paperwork-- Happy Family Nostalgia Time?" Mid-scolding, Gai's inexplicably smooth head of hair tilted to one side as he snagged on Kakashi's words. He shifted his eyes from Kakashi to me, quizzical.

"Want some potatoes?" I offered, feeling the intense need to distract. I really didn't need Gai to know what he was talking about. It was only sure to make that little ouch into a big stupid one.

Gai eyed the potatoes in the container. "Those smell good, but they look to be quite high in calories and fat."

"How do you think I maintain my lovely figure?" I tried to joke, with a chuckle. I gave a little pose for effect.

"What's so funny?" a silky voice asked from the doorway. There was Kurenai, her hands folded neatly in front of her. Now she peered into the lounge. "Goodness, it's dark in here."

"Oh, joy," Kakashi intoned. "Are you going to join our merry band, too?"

Kurenai tucked her dark hair behind one ear. Her ruby eyes darted from me to Kakashi to Gai, and back to Kakashi.

To my relief, even after we had sat in the hospital outside Hyuuga Hinata's room all night last night, Kurenai looked okay. Tired, yeah, but okay. The line of her lips was calm, and her shoulders were back to her usual confident posture. The expression on her face was thoughtful as she examined the scene. "I was thinking about it, maybe. Something smells good," she added, entering the room.

"Potatoes," I offered by way of explanation. I am the king of eloquent conversation with the opposite sex.

"They're potatoes from the Hokage," Kakashi informed her. He finished another page and moved it to the 'done' stack.

"Is that all you're eating for dinner?" she asked, peering over Gai's shoulder into the little plastic box.

"Um, yeah," I replied, lamely. I glanced up at her and shrugged. "I think so."

"I'll be right back," she replied, and then she breezed right back out of the door.

"How was the hospital?" Kakashi ventured, turning his attention to Gai and forgetting about poking fun at me.

"They finally kicked us out," Gai replied, rueful. With the flick of one able finger, the overhead lights were turned on. Kakashi blinked and made a hiss when this happened, expressing displeasure at the bright bluish glare now invading our eyes. "Lee is doing better, but he's in a lot of pain for now. He's..." here the man's voice wavered just a bit, "He's been heavily sedated until they can repair the damage to the spinal cord and nervous system."

I blinked down at the potatoes. Finished talking, Gai sank into a chair beside his eternal rival and propped his elbows on the table.

"I'm sorry, Gai." Kakashi offered, for once managing to sound sincere.

"Me too," I added. "Poor kid."

"Not as sorry as I am," Gai said quietly.

The silence that followed pressed down heavily on the three of us gathered there at the table.

It was hard for me to imagine what Gai and his student was going through at the moment, since the fights yesterday. The whole thing seemed a little unreal and bizarre, from Rock Lee's amazing strength and too-wholesome personality to that little monster Gaara and his weird abilities. Kind of hard to get my head around it all, I guess. It was pretty unusual for me to see Gai in any state other than explosive energy. In fact, just the saddened, hollow look on his face was enough to make me feel uncomfortable. Nothing upsets Gai. Nothing gets him down. If something does succeed in getting Gai down, I know things are really getting shitty.

At times Maito Gai is superhuman to me, someone who just appeared from nowhere on our planet and began undertaking shinobi training. He excels at almost everything he does, rocketing through life fueled by frenetic willpower. He doesn't get personal much. I don't know anything about his family or anything. He's like a big green peanut M&M, with a thick shiny sweet candy shell that you can't often see through.

But now, as he sat there before me, without silliness or challenges or dazzling smiles... he just seemed so normal, so human and fallible. Gai's eyes were tired, his mouth grave. He looked in need of a shower and some sleep. By the looks of things he had probably not left the hospital since yesterday. I knew he held himself responsible for his student's injury, and possibly also partially responsible for Hyuuga Neji's behavior during his match as well. I had no idea what to say to him. There probably wasn't anything I could say.

So I slid the tupperware and spork in Gai's direction. "Here, eat."

"Asuma," Gai said, accepting the offer of comfort food with a little smile, "You're a good man."

"He's just adorably simple, isn't he?" Kakashi muttered, his eye on the old mission reports he was now filling out. "A regular teddy bear. Take him somewhere else so I can finish this paperwork."

"It would appear that you have yet again put your paperwork off till the last minute," Gai observed, taking a modest spoonful with the plastic spork. "If you're having trouble, it's your own fault, not his."

"But it is his fault," Kakashi explained. "He's very distracting."

"How is that?" I scratched my messy head and pulled the ashtray over. "I didn't do anything."

Gai elbowed Kakashi as I felt into my pocket for my pack. It's funny, whenever my fingers find that slim cardboard box, I already start to feel better. "Cut it out, Kakashi," my green-suited coworker admonished. "He's keeping you company. You should be thankful."

"I didn't want to be kept company," Kakashi retorted, finishing another page and laying it down neatly on the 'done' stack he had piled up. "I came here to be alone, and it has somehow escalated into Jounin Party Time."

Kakashi is as cuddly as a cactus, as usual. And Gai will always prod him towards other people whether he likes it or not. I smiled at the two and lit up a cigarette.

As I was still sucking the flame into life, I was surprised to see Kurenai appear at the doorway again. She peeked in, almost shyly. The shadows of the darkened hallway played with the deep shades of her hair as she bent her head forward into the room. "A party, now, hm?"

"Hail, Hail, the Gang's All Here," Kakashi announced.

"What have you got there?" I asked, looking over Gai to where she stood. Kurenai was carrying some large grocery bags with her. I kind of wondered how she had managed to get all of that all by herself. Why had she gone shopping all of a sudden, anyway? Was that some kind of girl thing?

"What indeed?" Gai asked, rising from the table in order to help.

"Well," she said, blinking long eyelashes rapidly. Her eyes were keen as she regarded us, her words clear. The sound of her speech was kind of a welcome shift to my ears. She has a nice voice, a pleasant voice.

"It's dinner," she explained. "I went to the deli and I got some hot food. But Kakashi seems to want to be alone, apparently, so I'll just take this and--" With this Kurenai gazed down at her cargo, as though pondering taking it back to her apartment and eating it all by her little self. She opened one of the white plastic bags she had in tow, checking the contents. A delicious aroma wafted from the bag right over to tease our noses.

Kakashi twitched and then surrendered (albeit with sarcasm). "Oh, you might as well stay, Kurenai. We can all do our paperwork together. It'll be _great_ fun."

I grinned. Gai laughed. "Ah, Kurenai-sensei. You are indeed a clever lady." He strode over to her to assist with the bags. "He's hungry, I'm sure. He'll never admit it, though. And I myself am rather famished."

"I know," Kurenai said, her red eyes lifting up to his. Her face softened as she murmured, "You haven't eaten at all since yesterday. I heard at the hospital."

"That's true, I hadn't," Gai answered, smiling gallantly down at her in such a way as only a manly man in spandex can pull off. "You didn't need to go to all this trouble, though, sensei."

"I know," she replied. She nodded to him, warm. "but I was hungry, too." This is was kind of a side of Kurenai I hadn't seen before. A thoughtful side, a shyly generous side. I decided it was rather likeable. I mean, people who notice things that other people need are kind of few and far between, wouldn't you say?

"What did you get?" I asked, helping them to unpack a little from my seated position. I peered into a bag, contemplating. "This is a lot of food." Wouldn't this have been expensive?

Kurenai tucked her hair behind her left ear and passed me a small stack of paper plates. "Not really. Chicken. Salad. Drinks. Some fruit."

Gai clearly approved of the menu. "It all looks very nutritious, too."

"I'll chip in for some," I offered, helpfully. I took out my wallet to give her a couple of bills to cover the cost. God, that chicken smelled so good that I was drooling. "I'm starved."

"You were just chowing down on your potatoes, nostalgia boy." Kakashi reminded me. He moved his paperwork aside in resignation.

"Just potatoes isn't a good dinner," Kurenai pointed out. She nodded to me and pocketed the money in a discreet manner.

"Oh ho," Gai broke in. "Kurenai-sensei seems to know what kind of beer our Asuma likes best." He removed a six-pack of tall cans of my usual brew from one bag.

"Awesome," I chimed in. It looked cold, even. Ten points for Kurenai.

"Lucky guess," she shrugged. But her eyes darted back to my happy smile, and you could tell she was pleased.

Kakashi raised one sleek eyebrow. "Ah. But does she know where he keeps the grape con--"

"Those aren't mine!" I laughed, cutting him off before he could finish. I received a can of beer from Gai's manly hand and rubbed out my smoke. "And you know it."

Kurenai's eyes flickered to me and then to Kakashi, and I squirmed under her fiery gaze. Kakashi smirked, enjoying the moment. "Aha, it seems she didn't know."

"You mean the grape condoms in the silverware drawer?" she asked, cool as anything. "Those are Ibiki's."

I just about spit my beer out all over Gai's shining dome of hair. I've really got to work on this timing when drinking thing. I seem to be having trouble with it lately. "Ib-Ibiki's? How..." I couldn't bring myself to finish the question. How the hell does she know that? And why?

The huge grin under Kakashi's mask was visible. Apparently he found this very interesting. And Kurenai just smiled, knowing she had won herself a little ground.

"It was a joke, Asuma," she said, softly. She gave me a paper napkin and sat down beside me at the table. Kakashi reached over me to grab some salad and Gai gave me a plastic fork.

"Oh," I replied, relieved beyond words. Phew. The idea of Kurenai and Ibiki just is like, _no_. Okay, okay, the idea of just about anyone and Ibiki-- especially in the breakroom-- is just _no_.

Gai passed me the chicken and I accepted, gratefully. There was quite a bit of food, and it all smelled awesome. Eating with other people is always more enjoyable than eating alone. Food shared with family is most delicious, the saying goes. Perhaps this is kind of what family has become for us.

I used to think when I was younger that my co-workers and I were all the same. It's not true. We're vastly different, different abilities, different personalities, different problems and fears and hopes. I often find myself feeling inadequate when I compare myself to the others. There's nothing I'm an expert at. There's nothing I have that someone else can't already do better.

But maybe at times like this, we are all the same. We all have things that we're dealing with. We all have our pride-- and pain that lies behind that pride. But we are all together, and we are all hungry, and we all need something. And we can all share and we can all laugh a little and listen a little.

Gai munched his salad and chatted with Kakashi. Kakashi nibbled at his chicken and made his usual one-liners. I passed the rest of the potatoes Kurenai's way. As for Kurenai, she was watching me closely, with that look on her face that makes me feel like a goldfish in a bowl. I raked my fingers through my hair and tried to laugh off the self-conscious feeling of her eyes on me.

"Hey, Kurenai?" I ventured. "Thanks for grabbing food." Just potatoes for dinner is kind of lame, after all.

"You're welcome," she murmured in reply, and nodded to me in acceptance. As she looked up, our eyes met briefly, and she offered me one of those fleeting, quiet smiles. A little flash of pearly teeth behind a gentle curve of perfectly painted pink lips, shockingly red eyes meet and touch with yours and then drop away again behind long lashes, hiding from view. And I find I can't really think for a second or two, I'm just taken aback by how nice she looks. How pleasant her face is, and my god, how bad I must look to her in comparison.

But if this was so, Kurenai made no statements to this effect. She simply held a container of fruit salad out to me in one neatly manicured hand. The polish on her fingernails was exactly the color of the raspberries in the container. It looked nice on her, kind of a warm, sweet summery color. "Here, Asuma. Eat."

People are all afraid of something. People are all lonely inside. That's why we do what we do, why we fight, why we keep moving through life. We're trying to erase our fears, find something to take away that loneliness. And time passes and days overlap and bring good and bad changes, and somewhere within that passage of time we try to find the things that are really important to us, the things that really finally give us peace.

But until we really find that peace, all we have is just what makes us feel better, safer, give us a bit of warmth. Some kind of a good feeling that bites back at the coldness, that keeps the darkness at bay. We're always moving on and in a state of becoming, we'll never have a perfect world here. We have to try and find it in our everyday experience.

And so maybe sometimes the best feeling in the world is just some fruit salad in a little plastic deli container, from the hand of a person who took the time to think about your well-being for a moment. Maybe the nicest thing in the world is just sitting there with people that you like and existing for a little while together. Perhaps the most perfect place in the whole world is a place in which people are not perfect, but they're at peace with each other.

"Kakashi, I bet that I can drink more beer than you can."

"Go ahead. I don't care."

"Aha! So! Running away before the challenge even begins, again, eh? You fear my mighty liver, don't you? As well you should!"

"Is someone talking? Did you hear something, Asuma?"

Well. Make that, relatively at peace with each other.

I smiled to myself and sat back in my chair. And Kurenai just looked at me from over her can of beer, her eyes smiling and her rose-stained lips tranquil.


	17. insomnia

**insomnia**  
Kurenai

* * *

I can't sleep. Again.

I just can't get comfortable. I lay on my stomach, lay on my back. my side. I try hugging my pillow to my chest, try putting a pillow under my knees. But I'm not sinking into rest at all.

Oh, I have sleeping pills. They're in the medicine box I keep in the second cupboard over in the kitchen. But I'm afraid to take them because I know that once I start, I'll need them more and more and then I won't be able to sleep again without them. I've been through that ordeal before.

I had tried drinking a glass of warm milk to fight it, just like I have ever since I was a kid. But it's not working for me tonight. The milk just tasted stale and unpleasant in my mouth, no matter how much cocoa flavor I added to it.

I tried spraying my pillow with lavender to relax myself, but the smell was too strong and I ended up flipping my pillow over in a huff. I tried adding another blanket for that comforting weight effect. This lasted about ten minutes or so. I started to feel constricted and I kicked the blankets off. Then I got too cold, so I settled for pulling the just topsheet up.

I tried humming myself a tune and that didn't work. I tried visualizing myself a relaxing place, like a forest at sunset or a field of poppies at dawn. That didn't work either. I tried telling myself a bedtime story about a happy jounin who sleeps happily at night and has a happy day the next day because she is awake and refreshed and happy and everyone loves her for it. And as I'm sure you can guess, this wasn't effective in taking my worries away or doing much of anything other than making me feel stressed.

I tried fantasizing about that massage from a hot beefy guy I hadn't gotten to enjoy in Matsuya. Perhaps because of my mood, this train of thought backfired on me and the fact that I wasn't getting any and wasn't planning to anytime soon sank in a bit too much. I padded off to the kitchen shortly after this and drank a glass of vodka, and then another.

I tried turning on the light and reading for a bit, but I didn't get tired at all. Not even my most dry psychology text helped. Now the alarm clock is glowing 3:42 a.m. and I'm not a wink closer to sleep than I was back at half past eleven when I put myself to bed.

So I lay in my bed on one side and stare out the window at the lights and rooftops. The clouds are rolling thin and wispy through the summer sky. The full moon outside casts its blue-gray light down on me and my little bed and my pillows and my quilt.

There's a lot to think about.

Hinata is suffering.

Today I was allowed to see her for the first time. On this, her third day since the fighting, she was moved from the trauma ward to intensive care. Hyuuga Neji's attacks were almost fatal. A ninety-eight percent killing intention, a medic said at one point. Which, if true, would mean there was two percent of Hyuuga Neji that did not want to kill Hinata. I wonder if that two percent wanted to save her by not killing her, or wanted to torture her more by not finishing her off.

Either one seems likely. The left ventricle of the heart, the trachea, and the left lung have suffered strong damage, and the diaphragm below her lungs was partially severed. The girl is in a lot of discomfort. The drugs are heavy on her system so that she can't feel anything. There is an IV drip in her arm to keep her hydrated, and catheters to take care of waste matter. She has two tubes in her mouth. One tube reaches down to the damaged trachea to keep the blood draining, keep it from entering the lungs as much as possible. The other tube is hooked up to a machine that's helping her breathe. The blood leaks periodically through the drainage tube, like a coffee machine percolating in slow dribbles of gore. The machines whirr and click, and breath is taken in and out of a twelve-year-old girl's chest.

She sleeps, wakes up, looks around the room with heavy eyes, and sleeps again. I sat with her today for the long hours of the evening, after I was done training the boys for the day. I didn't bring them, I wasn't sure how they might take seeing their Hinata in this state. It's too soon. No one else comes for her. Not like I honestly expected her relatives to visit her. But maybe, deep down, I had hoped.

I stayed, but there was nothing I could do to ease her pain. Her lips were dry and chapped around the plastic tubes. I put balm on them. That was all I could do for Hinata.

The thin summer clouds in the night sky drift across the moon, hiding it from view. I roll onto my back, watching the play of light and shadow on the ceiling.

Gekkou Hayate is dead.

It's still hard to believe, even though it's been a whole day and a half now since I heard at the meeting. It feels so weird. Hayate has been ill like the walking dead for as many years as I've known him, but nothing's ever gotten to him. Nothing has ever brought him down. He always seemed to come through the most dangerous missions without a scratch. And the man could have been vomiting up his own lungs and spleen and he'd never call in for a sick day voluntarily.

The circumstances of his death are still vague. He was found dead at Kikyou Castle. This means he was killed inside the village. Which means something is afoot. Orochimaru supposedly tampered with something in the second round of the Chuunin Exams, but as to what purpose, no one has said. In fact, no one is saying much of anything. I get the feeling it's being sort of swept under the table so as not to disturb the Leaf's position with the other Hidden Villages while the Chuunin Exams are going on.

I lay there and run through the patterns of tree branches outside the window with my eyes. It makes me feel sorry for Hayate to be swept under the table.

I worked with him a little bit when I was a Chuunin. I had been assigned for a year or two under the Hokage, research and clerical section. Hayate was one of the jounin who worked with the division sometimes. I liked him somewhat. I always found him professional and polite, and he had good attention to detail and neat handwriting. He was younger than me and a hundred times more talented but he never made me feel ashamed. He was kind to me. I never really made friends with him or anything, but I respected him, from afar.

I think if I had known he would die so soon, I might have told him what I thought of him. Or maybe tried to hang out with him a bit. Or something. But it's too late for that now, isn't it?

I turn onto my belly. I trace the tiny floral print of my sheets with one finger, over and over.

He left someone behind.

She's a jounin, Anbu. She lives in my neighborhood and so I had often seen them together before. I don't know her well, but she's beautiful and tall and healthy. Thick, shiny hair like a princess in an old scroll painting and long, strong legs I'd kill for. When she moves, it's like liquid flowing down the street, dark black ink in motion. She's a born killer, a born assassin. You don't need to know anything about her to feel it when she walks by you. She's deadly.

I saw her this morning, praying bravely in front of the memorial with a big bunch of incense and a food offering for the deceased. Her shoulders square, her perfect hair shining in the sun. She looked the very picture of a courageous Hidden Village woman. Way of the Kunoichi textbook material. Respect the dead and fight on. Don't regret, and don't ask why.

I saw her later, too, when I was walking home. She was standing in front of the door of her apartment-- their apartment. An apartment they'd surely come home to together after missions. The place they had probably eaten dinner together, made love together. And now the door to the home was hanging open, and she was just standing there. She leaned heavily on the doorframe, her lovely head limp. Her eyes were empty, bereft. Haunted.

Ironic, isn't it. One of the most able women in our whole village and she's powerless against one thing.

It was only a short glimpse and then I passed on. But that look in her eyes sent little shock waves through me, right down to my toes. I have seen those eyes before. I saw them on my mother, too.

There are some things I'm scared of. Cockroaches, I hate cockroaches. And being held down by an enemy is scary. Being unable to breathe. Complete darkness. Lightning striking close by. Being lost somewhere. Yes, there are some things that I'm scared of.

There are some other things I'm terrified as all hell of.

I look up at the moon and offer a silent prayer to whoever is out there listening.

_Please._

* * *

notes from author: two things. 1- bizarrely enough, yes, I wrote this before 328. 2- is there an AsuKure C2 yet? I'm too lazy to make one, but I'll staff and help archive if someone makes one. 


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